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Tottenham 3-2 West Ham: player ratings to the theme of old Harry Winks tweets

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It’s Harry Winks Day at Cartilage Free Captain.

Tottenham Hotspur v West Ham United - Premier League Photo by Dean Mouhtaropoulos/Getty Images

Harry Kane may have gotten two last minute goals in Tottenham Hotspur’s 3-2 win over West Ham on Saturday, but it was another Harry that stole the show. Harry Winks, making his first ever Premier League start, poked a second chance ball past Darren Randolph and straight into our hearts.

But it wasn’t just the goal: it was the CELEBRATION. Oh God, the celebration! The joy on that young man’s face as he raced to the sideline to hug his Argentine dad Mauricio Pochettino. It was amazing. I’m tearing up just thinking about it.

The good news about nascent Premier League stars is that they haven’t gotten famous enough to get smart and periodically delete their Twitter history. (We’ve gotten endless entertainment from Dele Alli.) So we have four years of @HarryWinks tweets to savor, at least for now. It’d be a shame not to use them.

Here are the Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of Harry Winks tweets.


5 stars:

Nope, no there most certainly isn’t.

Unfortunately, no Tottenham Hotspur players were the equivalent of this Harry Winks tweet. Not even Harry Winks.

4.5 stars:

Do you remember that ‘80s satire book Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche? Of course you don’t, you friggin’ Millennial. Well, it was a thing 34 years ago that parodied stereotypes of masculinity, and threw shade on those “Sensitive New-Age Guys” who dared buck the trends of early 1980s manhood. Well, times have changed. Based on his West Ham performance, Harry Winks is every bit a man, and he’s not afraid to let you know that he loves him some savory egg-based custard tarts. You go, Winksy.

Harry Winks: Harry Winks was Tottenham’s best player on Saturday, which is both a fantastic compliment but also a commentary on just how bad overall Spurs were against West Ham. He had great composure on the ball, passed well, and had the foresight to get in good positions, especially for his goal. He gets a half-star bump for his incredible goal celebration, and the fact that his middle name is Billy. Harry Billy Winks. Take a bow, son.

4 stars:

Teenage Film Critic Harry Winks is a film aficionado. Teenage Film Critic Harry Winks has TAKES. You can take your Cinema Paradiso and your La Dolce Vita and shove it. Harry Winks doesn’t need art house films in foreign languages. Teenage Film Critic Harry Winks needs the Wayans brothers in white face and blonde wigs.

Son Heung-Min: Sonny saved the game. Earning your team two goals in 20 minutes is normally a 5-star performance, but he’s docked a bit for how profligate he was with the ball when he first came in. That said, without Son, Spurs don’t win the game. His cross for Kane was inch perfect, and he won the penalty by virtue of a good run and some dark magic.

Harry Kane: Did Harry Kane things in his first 90-minute match since his injury. Was he ridiculously amazing? No. But scoring two goals in two minutes has to count for something, and even without the goals he played very well.

Eric Dier: We’ve been a little harsh on Dier in the center back role lately, but this was easily his best match in central defense. He was solid positionally, defended well, and even pinged some Toby-esque long balls from deep (like the one to Eriksen for his offside goal). And that stop on Dimitri Payet in transition was amazing.

3 stars:

I like this tweet. And I like this tweet because it was posted back in 2012 when Winks (and Dele) were 16. Both were in the England U17 setup (along with Brendan Galloway, an Everton product on loan at West Brom this season). These guys knew, liked, and respected each other well before they came together as Tottenham Hotspur teammates. That was evident as Dele was one of the first Spurs players to congratulate Winksy after his goal on Saturday.

Danny Rose: Rose was fine, if not amazing. Spurs were playing extremely narrow, so the width was ostensibly provided by the fullbacks. Rose’s crossing was decent, but not great. He also picked up his fifth yellow which means he misses the Chelsea game.

Kyle Walker: Pretty much what I said about Danny, minus the fifth yellow card. Good game, not great.

Christian Eriksen: The raft of “Christian Eriksen needs to be dropped” takes I see right now is flabbergasting. Eriksen has been good this season, and sometimes sublime. Today he was merely good, but I get the sense that his performances have mirrored that of Tottenham’s overall midfield. Either way there’s no f**king way you drop him.

Hugo Lloris: Had no chance on either of West Ham’s goals. I have no strong takes on Hugo. He was fine, I guess.

Jan Vertonghen: Vertonghen was fine if not superb against West Ham. I don’t think there was much he could have done to prevent West Ham’s first goal, and was pretty sound otherwise.

Victor Wanyama: Considered giving Wanyama a 2.5 star rating but couldn’t find another appropriate Winks tweet. Lost his man on the set piece that led to WHU’s goal, and his passing ranged from decent to maddening.

2 stars:

There are an inordinate number of Teenage Film Critic Harry Winks tweets on his timeline. This one is pretty good because it’s also true. Get on it, Brad Bird.

Mousa Dembele: Moose had a bad game and it’s really strange because this seemed like the kind of match he should’ve dominated. Weirdly ineffective, and subbing him off for Son was the right call. We know how good Moose is, so I’ll just call this a bad day at the office.

Dele Alli: I get that Alli’s just back from injury, but he looked super out of sorts out there in relief of Janssen. Hopefully he shook off all that rust because we’ll need him for Monaco.

Vincent Janssen: Vincent, my goodness. This was a match he’d want back. Conceded a penalty, looked lost for much of the first half, can’t seem to find the confidence to get good shots away. He had that blast that was saved by Randolph (and followed up by Winks) but I’m starting to think that he just isn’t ready for the Premier League yet. I still think he’ll get there.

1 star:

Success depends on... what now? The letter ‘U’? What does... oooooohhhhhhhhh. That sounds like the kind of saccharine platitude that you expect to see on the walls of the break room at Staples. (True story: I worked at Staples for a summer in college and there was ACTUALLY a poster of a kitten hanging from a tree with the words HANG IN THERE on the wall in the break room.)

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as tweeting a text-based inspirational poster at Dele.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating: Kieran Trippier