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Tottenham Hotspur 2-1 Burnley: player ratings to the theme of Pantone Spring 2017 colors

This, apparently, is a thing. And we’re going to rate players to it.

Visitors Explore The Ideal Homes Show Photo by Matthew Lloyd/Getty Images

Did you know there are Colors of the Year? I just discovered this fact, but in hindsight it doesn’t surprise me. The people at Pantone regularly release a series of color swatches that they deem are the “Fashion Color Reports” for the upcoming year. Because Pantone are hugely influential in everything from design to clothing and fashion, their color reports have a huge impact on everything from colors in new avant garde art to the fashion runways in Paris, Milan, and New York. (Who are these people and how can I get their job?)

The 2017 Spring color swatches are apparently chosen to be evocative of nature that is all around us. Based on the brightness of the hues, I’m guessing the actual location of these colors location is somewhere in a Venezuelan rainforest.

That said, color and color theory is so arbitrary and subjective. So what do we at Cartilage Free Captain do when we find an online collection of things arbitrarily chosen and without any real methodology behind it? Why, we rank them to Tottenham Hotspur player performances, that’s what.

Tottenham got the win on Sunday against Burnley, but it was neither the comfortable win many expected nor a continuation of the tactical dominance that we saw against Hull City. Spurs were clearly the better side, but gave Burnley a few chances to settle into the game and even gifted them an away goal, something that’s been as rare as a unicorn for the Clarets this season.

That said, it wasn’t as though Spurs were bad exactly. They weren’t. But it was a bit of a weird match with some amazing performances mixed in with a few that were a little more... divergent.

Let’s dive into color theory and rank the Tottenham Hotspur players to the theme of Pantone’s Spring 2017 Fashion Color Report swatches. Because why the hell not, you people will argue about anything.

5 stars: Pink Yarrow

I love pink and I don’t care who knows it. This is the kind of forward, in-your-face pink that looks great on both genders and perks you up as soon as you encounter it. It’s described as “whimsical, unignorable, and tempestuous.” I can buy that. Dear Nike: 2017-18 Spurs third kits in this color, please.

Danny Rose: This, and I say it without hyperbole, might just have been the best all-around match I have ever seen Danny Rose play. He was delightful to watch. He abused Burnley’s back line on the regular, and was firing in gorgeous crosses and passes to his teammates. His goal was supremely difficult, but he made it look very easy. That. Was. Superb.

4 stars: Flame

Another impossibly bright, progressive color, Flame is described as “gregarious, fun loving, flamboyant and vivacious.” Yes, exactly. This color is that one gay friend we all know that we love to death but only hang out with once a month or so because we have kids and a busy life and never mind, how have you been? I want this color to take me out some night to the best drag show in town while we sip tiki drinks out of hollowed-out coconuts and talk about nothing in particular.

Christian Eriksen: Wow, was Eriksen good today. He continued the kind of form he’s been showing in recent matches, and while he didn’t score he tested Heaton a number of times and was fully involved in Spurs’ offensive chances.

Dele Alli: Missed one good chance, finished another one. Alli was very good and looked a little more engaged, but you still get the sense that he’s not quite on his game for whatever reason. Still, a slightly off game is still worth four stars in my book.

Hugo Lloris: Got down to parry away a couple of Burnley shots, and saved them very well. His distribution was again suspect at times, but on balance, you’ll take a shaky kick for the ability to tip away close-range shots on target. He was good.

Jan Vertonghen: I have no real complaints about Jan, who maybe looked a little lost on the broken play that led to the goal but otherwise marshaled the defense effectively in Toby Alderweireld’s absence.

3.5 stars: Greenery

Pantone apparently picked this color as the Color of the Year for 2017. It is, according to Pantone, a “tangy” color. “Illustrative of flourishing foliage, the fertile attributes of Greenery signals one to take a deep breath, oxygenate and reinvigorate.” And I guess it is evocative of the smoothie I made this morning. “Spinach-Banana Smoothie Green” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, though.

Mousa Dembele: Moose was playing a little higher on the pitch than usual, ahead of Wanyama and maybe slightly behind Winks. It suited him, I thought, though he was obviously affected by the knock he picked up. This wasn’t a true double-pivot, and I think he worked better with Wanyama this time, but I still like him better beside Dier.

Harry Winks: My chips are already all-in on Harry Winks, and I see nothing to dissuade that move as of yet. Winks was again a stabilizing presence in midfield. He wasn’t trying to do anything fancy except make safe linking passes, and despite that he dragged a shot just wide and could’ve scored again after making a great run into the box, only to be ignored by Son Heung-Min. Keep playing him.

Moussa Sissoko: Sissoko really seems to be coming along, albeit against mostly trash opposition. But he looked lively in this match, taking (and frequently bypassing) defenders, and getting into dangerous positions. His pass to Rose for the second goal was marvelous, though he maybe should’ve been sent off for a stupid tackle just prior.

3 stars: Hazelnut

This is an understated color, but every color palate needs at least one neutral hue. As far as neutral go, this one is actually quite interesting and pairs nicely with the bolder swatch colors. “A transitional color that effortlessly connects the seasons.” All that said, it’s still, essentially, beige.

Kyle Walker: This was a... rather schizophrenic match for Kyle, and uncharacteristically so. He ended the game well and was quite good going forward, but that cancels out the two disastrous giveaways around Tottenham’s box that led to one goal and another big chance for Burnley. He also had some very good moments in this match, including his fizzing assist that found Dele Alli. All in all, three stars sounds about right to me.

Harry Kane: Kane was fine, but he still feels a little bit off his feed at the moment. Thankfully these moments are coming against bad competition where we don’t desperately need him to take over, but it’s still a bit odd.

2.5 stars: Kale

Kale is good for you. It’s also pretty tasty. But at no time in my life have I ever looked at a plate of kale and thought “I would like that on my living room wall.” The description says: “Evocative of the great outdoors and a healthy lifestyle, Kale is another foliage-based green that conjures up our desire to connect to nature.” To me, it reminds me that I need to have my prostate checked next month at my annual physical.

Eric Dier: OK, so Dier made a couple of very good last-ditch tackles playing in central defense on Sunday, but as good as they were (and they were good, if not supremely dangerous) that papers over the fact that he was a half-step slow almost the entire game. If he’s playing well, he doesn’t need to make those kinds of tackles because he would’ve positioned himself to blunt the attack instead. Not his best game.

Son Heung-Min: Not a great outing for Sonny here. He was trying stuff, but got himself into trouble more often than not. Got a save out of Heaton, but he also ignored a wide open Harry Winks on a breakaway.

Victor Wanyama: Victor was infuriating in this match. For every time he’d make a solid defensive play or break up a promising Burnley attack, he’d misplace the silliest simple pass in the midfield, or make a dumb foul. He’s a good defender, and I like him, but I’m just not sure we’re using him right.

1 star: Lapis Blue

Under most circumstances, I’d consider this to be a very attractive shade of blue. The Pantone description says that “this intense blue shade is imbued with an inner radiance.” However, it’s a lot closer to Chelsea Football Club blue (Pantone Reflex Blue) than Tottenham blue (Pantone 2768). That’s enough for me. In conclusion, f**k Lapis Blue.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Lapis Blue.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating: Ben Davies