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Tottenham 3-0 Manchester United: player ratings to the theme of things that are fast

Tottenham Hotspur scored three times in fast succession. Fast is good.

Julian Finney/Getty Images

That was fun! Tottenham Hotspur overcame a rather dour first half of football and scored three goals in six minutes to beat Manchester United 3-0 at White hart Lane. Despite a relatively good run of form against United at Old Trafford the past couple of seasons, this was Spurs' first win over the Red Devils at White Hart Lane since 2001. And boy did it feel good.

It was a weird match in a number of ways. The opening ten minutes were bad, the rest of the first half was blah. But once Spurs got going, man, they were unstoppable.

Three goals in six minutes is fast. Like, super fast. So let's rate the Tottenham Hotspur players in this match to the theme of fast things. Fast, like Pavlyuchenko! VOOOOOOOOOOOM!

5 Stars: Light

Nothing goes faster than light. Not even an Andros Townsend free kick on its way to heaven. It is the fastest thing anyone can think of, and the universal speed limit. That is until we get DeAndre Yedlin on a course of PEDs.

Erik Lamela: My clear man of the match. After a shaky opening ten minutes, he settled into the match and was absolutely magnificent from there on out. Was involved in all three of Tottenham's goals and should've had a second if that header doesn't slide right off the product in his faux-hawk.

Christian Eriksen: Imagine thinking that Christian Eriksen hasn't been outstanding this season. He has an incredible footballing brain and a knack for finding open teammates. His cross in for Dele Alli's goal LOOKED easy at the time, however it was anything but.

Mousa Dembele: Incredibly strong and assured on the ball (ignoring the first ten minutes, during which everyone was bad). Watching him with the ball at his feet hold off Carrick and Schneiderlin with his strength was a lot of fun. Had a couple of spells where I just shook my head and wondered how he just did that.

Danny Rose: I have never seen Danny's confidence higher than what it is right now. And running counter to what we've come to expect, it appears that his stint with England has made him better. He ran his butt off yesterday, and that square ball to Lamela for the assist was perfectly placed. Despite having some trouble with Fosu-Mensah, he torched Matteo Darmian repeatedly in the second half.

Toby Alderweireld: Solid at the back, as usual, and absolutely schooled Marcos Rojo to get his head to the ball on the goal. I'm hard pressed to think of a better center back in the Premier League at the moment.

4 Stars: That One Guy With the Car In That One Fast & Furious Movie

Dude, did you see that movie? That one scene with the car? I was like, whoa. That car, man. It was, like, fast. Just incredibly fast. He got in that car and that thing happened and then it was like ZOOOOOOOM those cars go so friggin' fast man, wow. That movie should, like, get an Oscar for Fastest Movie or some s**t. Also, how'd he, like, drive through that skyscraper? Wicked.

Harry Kane: Didn't score, but who cares? Kane was heavily involved in the attack from the beginning. Had a great header that was well saved from De Gea, and let's also not forget about his outlet pass to Eriksen that set up Spurs' first goal.

Kyle Walker: Very good going forward. He nearly scored on that one run into the box; he looked surprised to still be on his feet and I think that actually threw him off. Great match for Kyle. No way he sits for Trippier for the rest of the season barring injury.

Dele Alli: Weird match from Alli. He looked honestly pretty bad in the first half but showed good awareness to make the run and stay onside to receive the cross from Eriksen on his goal. Once the floodgates opened he was a thorn in United's side. Happy birthday, Dele.

Hugo Lloris: Wasn't called into action all that much thanks to an anemic United attack and a solid defensive performance, but he came up huge to deny Anthony Martial's fizzing shot that thankfully went right at him.

Jan Vertonghen: I can't think of anything particularly spectacular that he did defensively, but neither did he make any real mistakes. The good partnership with Toby was again on display, and he put in a composed performance. This was about as much as I could hope for from Jan on his first match back after injury. Poor Kevin Wimmer.

Eric Dier: I have absolutely no complaints about Eric Dier in this match. His job was to break up play and safely distribute the ball to his teammates, and that's exactly what he did. Most importantly, he avoided picking up a cheap yellow card and the subsequent two-match suspension.

3-1 stars: Things that are slower than the above

Seriously, who cares? Everything else is slow and irrelevant.

Everybody was good and fast and also goodly fast. Nobody was slow and bad.

No Rating: Nacer Chadli, Son Heung-Min, Ryan Mason

We assume these guys are fast, but they didn't have much time to show us.