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Stoke City 0-4 Tottenham Hotspur: player ratings to the theme of one-hit wonder songs

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Let's argue about music.

Stoke City v Tottenham Hotspur - Premier League Photo by Michael Regan/Getty Images

Popular music is littered with one-hit wonders. Some of them are terrible songs by terrible bands that somehow tapped into the collective unconscious of the populace. Others were individual masterpieces that caught lightning in a bottle and that hit such dizzying heights that the bands were never able to duplicate it. A one-hit wonder song can make your career, or at least give you a somewhat comfortable living for a while.

There are waaaaay too many one-hit wonder songs out there, and so the usual statements apply: yes, I missed your favorite song; yes, I'm a Old who likes songs that were recorded before you were born; yes, I'm an idiot with bad opinions. There. Feel better? Moving on.

Tottenham Hotspur are not one-hit wonders. Harry Kane is not a one-season wonder. On the heels of what was quite possibly Tottenham Hotspur's finest performance of the season, (but was certainly not the first time they've played well), let's rank the individual performances to the theme of one-hit wonder songs.

5 stars: Take On Me (A-Ha)

Ask ten people what the best pop song is to come out of the 1980s and seven of them will say "Take On Me." (The other three will probably say "Come On Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners, and fair play, I guess.) This is a masterpiece of a song, and the only pop song I can think of that spans two and a half octaves in the chorus. The only negative thing about it is that you invariably end up listening to your roommate try and hit that high note on the word "two." STAAAAHP.

Harry Kane: That first goal of his was one of the better goals I've seen from Kane all season, and that's saying a lot. And it wasn't just his offensive output that impressed me: Kane has quietly turned into one of the most complete strikers in the league, and his ability to drop deep, press (two successful tackles) and put in a good pass (one additional chance created) was on good display on Monday.

Dele Alli: My oh my. Dele was fantastic. Everywhere in the attacking third, he completed 25 of 27 passes, created three chances, and scored three two goals. How he missed that sitter is anybody's guess, but you know Eric Dier won't let him forget it, ever.

Christian Eriksen: Though he didn't score, he's a very strong candidate for Man of the Match. Two assists, one additional chance created, and he should've scored after thwacking the ball off the crossbar with only Shea Given to beat. Magnificent stuff.

Erik Lamela: My goodness, I love watching Erik Lamela play. His press was outstanding on Monday, and he was constantly looking to pass to his teammates in dangerous areas. Three big chances created, one assist, lots of pressing triggers, and one elbow to the head of Arnautovic. I'd call that a five star performance.

4.5 stars: Safety Dance (Men Without Hats)

I know, I know. I'm a child of the 80s. But come on, this song is amazing, and one of the best dance hits from that era. I don't care if you were born in 1990, you know this one, and you probably think "That old geezer song is actually not so bad." You damned Millennials.

Danny Rose: Rose's evolution from a player who most of us wanted shipped out two seasons ago to one of the best fullbacks in England is remarkable. Rose had a very solid game on the left flank, bombing forward with frequency and keeping Shaqiri in his pocket. He's improved his crossing, too.

Mousa Dembele: Might just be Tottenham's most important player, if he isn't their season MVP. He covered so much ground on Monday and was great at making late runs out of midfield, which stretched Stoke's defense. Blocked three shots, and had an assist, too.

4 stars: It Takes Two (Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock)

The song that took the James Brown/Bobby Byrd "Yeah! Woo!" loop and made it mainstream. It's also one of the greatest hip-hop songs ever recorded. And this is coming from a guy who listens to mostly bluegrass these days.

Janby Alderweirtonghen: HE'S BAAAAACK! Both Belgian defenders had solid games, working well together and allowing Stoke precious little in the way of offensive statistics. Arnautovic gave them a little trouble in the first half but there's not much to complain about here.

Kyle Walker: Kyle was excellent going forward on Monday, and put in some great defensive tackles, but he was let down by his final ball. A little better end product and he'd be much higher in these rankings. But a solid game nonetheless.

Eric Dier: Another very good match. His ability to drop deep when required and to break up play was a big part of how Mousa Dembele was able to move forward into the attack.

3.5 stars: Flagpole Sitta (Harvey Danger)

This is a criminally underrated song that is both a wonderful example of proto alt-rock and also a cutting vivisection of the 1990s Seattle-area grunge scene. There's a lot of angst in here, but it's also telling the flannel-wearing Cobain-clones to f**k right off. I like the video too because the lead singer looks like a guy who got beat up a lot in junior high and is just killing it on the vocals.

Hugo Lloris: One decent save, one hospital ball in the first half. Otherwise, he didn't have much to do.

2 stars: Who Let the Dogs Out (Baha Men)

The first time you hear this song you think "oh, that's a great hook." The 25th time you hear this song you think "holy crap that's annoying af." The 500th time you hear this song, often during time-outs in mid-season NBA games, you want to pierce your ear drums with an ice pick.

Thankfully, all of Tottenham's players were better than this song.

1 star: Butterfly (Crazy Town)

Come my lady come come my lady be my butterfly... sugar... baby... come my lady you're my pretty baby I'll make your legs shake you make me go crazy. HOW WAS THIS A HIT? Not to mention the lyrics reference being like Sid and Nancy... like that was ever a good thing. Kill it with fire.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as "Butterfly" by Crazy Town. However, Charlie Adam is significantly worse than this song, so take that for what it's worth.

No Rating: Nacer Chadli, Ryan Mason, Son Heung-Min