The sixth season of Game of Thrones started on Sunday! For those of you who don't watch the series (which probably isn't many of you), it's a show of high fantasy politics, Machiavellian machinations, and murder. Bad stuff happens to a lot of the characters on that show. It's not pretty.
On the day after Spurs dropped points to Tony Freakin' Pulis and basically lost whatever slim hopes they had at a Premier League title, we thought a good, depressing theme for the player ratings would be major deaths on Game of Thrones.
Let's revel in misery! But don't worry, late-adopters, we took care not to include any spoilers. #yourwelcome
5 stars: [REDACTED]
One of the most shocking moments in television history. I mean did anyone really expect [REDACTED] would be [REDACTED] by [REDACTED] after so much time was spent developing the character? Especially when it was such a talented actor like [REDACTED].
Christian Eriksen: Was the brightest player on the day, in my opinion. Came close a number of times off of free kicks and was very involved in the offense. His delivery that led to Spurs' goal was magnificent.
Toby Alderweireld: Hardly put a foot wrong the entire game and wasn't involved in Dawson's equalizer. The best central defender in England right now.
4.5 stars: [REDACTED]
Even though we all hoped that [REDACTED] would bite it, who would've guessed the implications of how [REDACTED] would resonate throughout the series? Also, did [REDACTED] do it, or was it [REDACTED]?
I don't think any other Tottenham players quite made it up to this level, but I had to include this category because [REDACTED].
4 stars: [REDACTED]
As soon as they started [REDACTED] you just knew that bad things were happening to [REDACTED]. Great acting from [REDACTED] but still very difficult to watch.
Harry Kane: Very unlucky not to score and deserved at least one goal. Was mostly marked out of the action in the second half because Pulis.
Dele Alli: Take away his petulant nutting of Yacob for a second and he played a solid match. I hope this isn't the last time we see him this season.
Mousa Dembele: Mousa's midfield play was a big reason Spurs dominated the first half, and he had some beautiful moments of skill. But he trailed off when put under pressure in the second half.
3 stars: [REDACTED]
For a little while there, you thought [REDACTED] was going to be a power player in the series. Nope! A super creepy death once you realize that [REDACTED] was behind the whole thing using [REDACTED]. But poor, poor [REDACTED].
Jan Vertonghen: Was fine for most of the match, but probably should've done better with Dawson's equalizer.
Hugo Lloris: Wasn't called into action that much and couldn't do much on the goal, but had one HOLY CRAP HUGO WHAT ARE YOU DOING moment.
Erik Lamela: Well, Erik was probably due for an off-match and he got one. Industrious, linked up well, but missed a good goal scoring chance and just looked... off.
Danny Rose: Not as brilliant as last week's match, but he took what West Brom gave him going forward. Might have clinched himself a spot in the Euros now.
Kyle Walker: Had a game much like Rose. Kept Sessegnon in his pocket for much of the match but looked shaken after the break.
2.5 stars: [REDACTED]
We all thought [REDACTED] would make it to the end of the series, so we couldn’t believe it when [REDACTED] stabbed [REDACTED] right in the [REDACTED]. Could be rated higher but a half-star is taken off here because we all know [REDACTED] is really [REDACTED]
Ryan Mason: Spurs' midfield really suffered once he came on for an injured Eric Dier. It's not all his fault, though -- asking Ryan Mason to play as a defensive midfielder isn't really fair.
1 star: [REDACTED]
THAT WASN'T IN THE BOOKS! I can't believe the show runners made [REDACTED] kill [REDACTED] just so [REDACTED] could [REDACTED]. That was the worst!
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as [REDACTED].