A draw to a league opponent like Liverpool, especially when it has the importance of a league title run tacked onto it like this one, can get everyone up in a tizzy. So what's a (currently reviled, persona non grata) blog manager to do? Why, distraction! So let's argue about my taste in sandwiches instead of how I single-handedly killed Tottenham's title ambitions. Never let it be said that I didn't do anything for you people.
Here are the Tottenham Hotspur player ratings, to the theme of sandwiches. #yourwelcome
5 stars: Hot dog
Is a hot dog a sandwich? The eternal question, answered definitively on Cartilage Free Captain. I don't care what the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council says, that's just a fake pro-business public relations hack-job. Meat in tube form on a bun with various accoutrements is most definitely a sandwich, and it is glorious. Hot dogs forever.
Harry Kane: A heroic performance from Kane. He did all the Harry Kane things that Harry Kane does well. His goal, from the initial touch to the turn to the finish, was exquisite and he could've had more but for dragging a couple of shots wide.
Hugo Lloris: It's tempting to make Hugo the Man of the Match, because without him Spurs lose this game easily. He was immense in this match, especially in the first half when he made five saves including a ridiculous fingertip touch on Lallana's shot and a good block on a possible own-goal from Son Heung-Min.
4 stars: Reuben
The reuben is a near perfect sandwich. Salty corned beef and tangy sauerkraut mingle with slightly sweet Russian dressing and swiss cheese on grilled rye bread. What's not to love here? A reuben is one of those sandwiches where, even if you get a bad one, it's still a good sandwich. And if you get a really good one, it's sandwich nirvana.
Christian Eriksen: Christian was very good again today, attacking the goal early and providing some of Spurs' best chances on the day. On another day that low fizzer gets past Mignolet and Spurs go up early.
Toby Alderweireld: Another very solid and composed performance from Toby. The defense as a whole had some scary moments but it's tough to pin any of those moments onto anything that Toby did in particular. He was good.
Kevin Wimmer: Another solid outing in defense. Had a few excellent tackles and looked calm and assured despite a Liverpool front line that was at times pretty scary. I'm really starting to love this guy.
Mousa Dembele: My colleagues all rank Dembele a lot higher on this list than I did. What I saw was Adam Lallana rolling over Moose a few times early in the match. To my eyes Moose had a little trouble with Liverpool's press, though I did think he had a very strong second half and would not begrudge anyone who thinks he should be given another half star or star.
3.5 stars: Cheesesteak
Philadelphia natives (hai, Mechanick) are likely plotting my murder at the moment, which is fine, I'm already dead to many for burying Spurs with six games to play. The cheesesteak is a fine sandwich (but not as great as the reuben), with paper-thin slices of beef, onions, peppers, and real cheese. Yes, Philadelphians, I said REAL cheese. Keep your "Wiz" out of my sandwich.
Danny Rose: Very solid defensively against Clyne, I thought, but Danny didn't seem to get forward as much as usual, perhaps due to Liverpool's press. His passing seemed to be an issue as well. Tough game. Maybe I'm being overly critical.
3 stars: PBJ
A staple in school lunch boxes and for recently-graduated college students everywhere, the peanut butter & jelly sandwich is about as simple a sammich as you can make. My eight year old son has been making them since he was four. Is it a great sandwich? Nah. But it's an indelible part of most of our childhoods, and completely inoffensive as far as sandwiches go. You may not love a PBJ, but I know precious few people who don't like them.
Kyle Walker: A mixed bag for Kyle. Did okay going forward when given the opportunity, but he was terrorized on multiple occasions by Coutinho in defense.
Eric Dier: Dier's failure to track Coutinho in the box that led to Liverpool's goal was a large blemish on what was otherwise a decent performance against a very good pressing side. I'm still afraid we're running Eric into the ground.
2.5 stars: Patty melt
A diner staple, the patty melt isn't pretentious and doesn't try to be. It toes the line between sandwich and hamburger, but between the low-quality ground beef, the grilled onions, and the cheese, it's essentially a cardiac arrest between two pieces of grilled bread. It's not the sandwich you love, but sometimes, usually at 3 a.m., it's most definitely the sandwich that you WANT.
Dele Alli: The second off-game for Dele in a row. I'd like to blame the international break and tiredness for this, but I think he just didn't have it today. He picked it up some in the second half, but Spurs need him to get back to good football if they're going to finish the season well.
Nacer Chadli: I was all set to write a glowing review of Nacer Chadli here – Chadli! playing defense! tracking back! what! – and he did have a couple of very good moments both defensively and going forward. But then he started drifting out of play and doing typically Nacer Chadli things and I started getting mad again. Stop making me mad at you, dolphin.
2 stars: Tuna salad
Canned tuna fish, mayo, sweet relish, maybe a little celery for crunch, set between standard sandwich bread on top of some weird piece of extra-frizzy lettuce that adds absolutely nothing to it. Nobody actually ever ASKS for a tuna salad sandwich, it's usually just the only slightly palatable thing available at bad cafeterias or conference lunch tables and you've gotta eat SOMETHING, right?
Son Heung-Min: This was not a good game from Sonny, at all. Nearly scored an own-goal, missed a very good chance on the volley, and his passing was wayward all game. I'm coming around to the idea that, right now, Sonny just isn't a very good Premier League player. Yet. I've seen what he can do in the Bundesliga and think, like Lamela, he'll get there.
1 star: Bologna on white
Remember when you were nine and still thought that bologna was actually good? I ate a lot of these sandwiches (and I use the word loosely) when I was a kid out of my Lone Ranger lunchbox in grade school. Somehow I didn't think it was so terrible back then. There's no accounting for taste when you're nine, I guess. (Yes, I did have a Lone Ranger lunchbox when I was a kid. It was metal. It rocked. I wish I still had it.)
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as a bologna and ketchup sandwich on white bread.