Tim Sherwood should be banned from talking about Harry Kane

It's a slow news day in a slow week for Tottenham Hotspur news that just got a little bit weirder. The Daily Express, that paragon of news and highly reliable transfer rumor reporting, has an EXCLUSIVE from Tim Sherwood, who's advising Harry Kane that he should not, under any circumstances, move to Manchester United.

"Why would he want to leave Tottenham?" Sherwood said. "Why would anybody? It is the club to be at.

They have got the best training ground in the league and they are building a new stadium for a group of great young players, the nucleus of which are English.

"Daniel Levy [the chairman] has got it right on and off the field and they are playing with a great identity. They are young and moving forward.

Gee, thanks, Tim!

This is an absolutely epic troll job. So good, in fact, that I'm torn between two competing impulses: hatred for Tim Sherwood, and revulsion at the idea that Harry Kane could leave Spurs for Manchester United. The resulting cognitive dissonance is making my brain ache.

Harry Kane leave for United? Never! So Tim Sherwood must be right. But crap I hate Sherwood and I don't want him to be right so therefore... auuuuuugh! *head explodes*

I do love that this is an EXCLUSIVE. No other newspaper in the UK has unemployed manager Tim Sherwood dishing out advice to the Barclays Golden Boot-leading striker.

And not only that, but in the same article Sherwood also has the most self-serving compliment of current manager Mauricio Pochettino of any I've ever seen.

"What I love about [manager] Mauricio Pochettino is that he does not pick players on reputation or price tags. It is based on what people are doing in training.

"If anybody had to take over that job when I left, I wanted it to be somebody like him.

A different manager could have ripped it up and started again and that would have been the worst thing ever.

"But it has been perfect - he has taken it on."

So Mauricio Pochettino has the Tim Sherwood Seal of Approval™? Fantastic. I'm sure Poche appreciates the vote of confidence from the guy who played Kyle Walker as a #10 and Nacer Chadli in central midfield in actual football matches.

Excuse me while I go scrub my brain out with bleach.