No seriously, hold the door. The transfer rumors are trying to get in. Hold the door. Hold the door. Can't you see they're everywhere, I've got to get the click fiends away from their computer before they fall down the rabbit hole and feed the rumor beast. Hold the door. Time is too precious to fall into that type of vortex. Hold the door. Hold the door! Hold the door!!
And now for the "news":
Ryan Mason now a four million dollar target for Bournemouth| Mirror
Mason's transfer value is falling faster than Diddy on stage at an awards show. I don't care if it was last summer. Time is not linear and my jokes won't be either.
Tottenham are trying to sign Marlos| talkSport
Another game for Marlos? Another game for Marlos! One might say Milos only existed so that I could make this joke, right here, right now.
LVG out and Mou certainly in at Manchester United| NBC Sports
Finally Mourinho can correct a wrong of the past and manage Wayne Rooney. And Wazza's even bald again, so it's like a double time warp bonus round for ol' Jose.