Your team ISN'T getting relegated: Leicester City

Sometimes, you have to eat some crow.

Way back in August, we retired the series You're Getting Relegated. Before the retirement happened, one of the articles I did for the series was on Leicester City, our now club champions of England. It's a crazy story, given that they were bottom of the table last April. For some of us, it's going to take some time to get over coming so close to the title. For me, though, I figured the best way to eat my crow is to bring up this old article and see how many ways I was wrong.

Leicester City, we need to have a talk about your club. Do you realize how boring your club really is? I've had to do so much research on the club just to come up with jokes to make fun of you, and even then it was tough to come up with anything.

I guess the joke is on me here, because Leicester have been anything but boring this season. The Foxes had some high scoring affairs and then had plenty of 1-0 nail biters down the stretch that I found downright infuriating that they would somehow always pull out in the end. Either way, I cannot call them boring, because every match seemed to have some good excitement around it.

You know what? I'm going to be somewhat nice, because your badge isn't all that bad. Blue and white f**king rocks as colors of choice, so kudos to you for choosing obviously the best color scheme of all time. However, that thing that's in the middle. Is that supposed to be a fox? I have to believe that's the case, given that your mascot is named Filbert Fox, who is immediately inferior to Chirpy based on such a silly name.

I'm guessing Filbert Fox is somewhere in the bowels of the King Power Stadium currently chomping on some type of bird in celebration of beating out Tottenham to the title. At least I wasn't too mean here because I'll never make fun of the blue and white color scheme.

King Power are the official owners of Leicester City, with Thai billionaire Vichai Srivaddhanaprabha as the chairman, and yes, I had to copy and paste that name. Any one of you would have to as well. Apparently Vichai is so bored with his money that he also owns a polo club in Thailand. Apparently he has received a royal warrant from the King of Thailand that grants him some kind of honor. I can't make fun of this, though, because the badge is f**king Garuda looking menacing as hell. Maybe I shouldn't be making fun of this man. In fact, you're awesome Vichai. Please don't send an ancient god to murder me.

Well the good news is that Vichai didn't put some kind of hex on me and caused Garuda to swoop out of the sky and kill me. Though, if I may make a humble suggestion here: Could you imagine using Garuda as your badge? I get that Filbert Fox is the club's mascot and all, but I don't know if there's anything more menacing than having a freaking god as part of your club's badge?

Claudio Ranieri has managed so many clubs in his lifetime, I wonder if Wikipedia just lost count and started making clubs up. He started his coaching career at a small club named Vigor Lamezia, which sounds like an awesome Disney villain's name. He worked his way up the Italian division and had some high profile jobs that included Napoli and Fiorentina, where he managed to win a couple pieces of silverware. After that, he did some bouncing around Europe, including almost destroying Atletico Madrid to the point where he had to resign before the masses tore down the grounds. Most recently, he was the man in charge of Greece when they lost 1-0 to lowly Faroe Islands. If you lose to a team that you have to look up where they are on a map, you probably shouldn't be coaching anymore.

I finally have someone to blame! I blame the Faroe Islands. These little finger islands out in the middle of f**king nowhere managed to beat Greece 1-0 and cost Ranieri his job as Greece's national coach. That made him available, and when Leicester went through their own little scandal in the summer last year that I am really uncomfortable even mentioning slightly, it meant that Leicester had the opportunity to hire Ranieri and put the club through a metamorphosis the likes of which I don't think we've seen before in sports.

F**k you, Faroe Islands.

Your club also apparently likes players who have a bit of a potty mouth as Jamie Vardy breached some rules by dropping racial slurs at a casino. Danny Drinkwater also has possibly the worst last name in the history of everything. If I were him, when I hit 18 years old, I would have immediately changed my name to something far more awesome than Drinkwater.

Well...Vardy did admit to the issue at the casino, but I don't think anybody expected him to have the type of season he had. How does someone go from a semi-professional team in the darkest depths of English football to being able to call themselves Champions of England like this?

In regards to Drinkwater, putting his name aside, he was a rock for Leicester pretty much all season, albeit early on they were having trouble keeping teams from scoring on them and simply scored more to get past their deficiencies. Something changed, and Drinkwater went from "serviceable midfielder" to "undroppable warrior" in a heartbeat.

Shinji Okazaki is arguably your most notable addition to the roster. While he absolutely sucks, I will say that the first club he played for has an awesome name that makes no sense. What the hell is an S-Pulse? You also managed to get Christian Fuchs on a free from Schalke. Apparently Schalke were so bored with him they didn't even bother trying to get money for him. Robert Huth also came over from Stoke which....well, I can't blame him there. I'd want to get out of Stoke, too. All very underwhelming signings, Leicester, but what can one expect from a boring club?

I really dropped the ball here. I made absolutely no mention of Riyad Mahrez in this entire article, which might be a good thing for me given that had I actually brought him up, it would have put me far more into the wrong than ever since he won POTY.

Okazaki quickly showed he was capable of terrorizing backlines in a hurry. Suddenly, I feel like I need to watch more players on S-Pulse to see if there are any other gems on that team.

Schalke are also dumb as hell for letting Christian Fuchs go on a free and I was stupid enough to think that the transfer meant absolutely nothing.

Then there's Robert Huth. I simply just don't get this. Robert Huth was a middling, barely serviceable defender when he was finishing up at Stoke City. How in the world did a guy who only made 18 appearances last season and just 15 the year before manage to do what he did for the Leicester back four this season? I give you credit, Robert. That's pretty damn impressive.

Why You Might Escape The Drop

The game is suddenly changed to polo and Vichai immediately transfers all of his polo club's members onto Leicester to win the league.

I think it's safe to say I was dead wrong on that, given they didn't have to transfer the polo players. The good news for me is that everyone was wrong as well, so I have company.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my plate of crow is ready in the oven and I need to figure out what drink to pair up with it.