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Don't bet the farm on Zlatanham Hotspur

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha no.

Paris Saint-Germain Training Session & Press Conference Photo by Alex Morton/Getty Images

Oh transfer rumors, you slay me. Did you know that Tottenham Hotspur are linked with Zlatan Ibrahimovic? It's true! According to the ever-reliable Gazzeta dello Sport, Spurs are interested in making a move for the Swedish superstar now that it's confirmed that he's leaving Paris St. Germain on a free transfer this summer.

Let's be honest: we all want Zlatan at Tottenham Hotspur, Sure, he's 34, mercurial, and difficult to work with. He's also a bonafide superstar who scores incredible goals for fun who still has some gas left in the tank, and for a limited time, he's free. Even if it's just in a popcorn-munching watch-the-world-burn capacity, Zlatan at Tottenham Hotspur would be amaaaaaaaazing.

But no, this is patently ridiculous and everyone knows it. I know what you're thinking, and the number of Tottenham fans who are seriously entertaining this notion are probably in the single digits. Normally we we wouldn't even write about this, it's that dumb. But it's a slow news day, so let's break down exactly why Zlatan won't be bringing his North London-sized ego to White Hart Lane.

His wages are insane

According the internet (which we all know is 100% truthful in everything), Zlatan is currently making €18m/year in wages at PSG. Convert that into pounds, divide by 52, carry the 1, and that comes out to about £263k per week. While Tottenham are notoriously tight with information regarding their players' salaries, after Emmanuel Adebayor's departure the highest-earning players at Spurs earn somewhere between £70-80k week. That might get smashed this summer if the rumors about offering Harry Kane a new contract are true, but still. And while him taking a pay cut to move to a new club at age 34 isn't out of the question, if you think Zlatan is going to cut his wages by 2/3 to play in North London for a year or two, Zlatan has a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.

He won't want to back up Harry Kane

Zlatan is The Man. He has been The Man everywhere he has gone and will continue to want to be The Man wherever he goes next. To imagine Zlatan wearing lily white is to accept the possibility that he will willingly come to White Hart Lane and accept a second fiddle role to one Harry Edward Kane. Does that sound like Zlatan to you? Didn't think so.

Can you imagine Zlatan in Pochettino's pressing system?

No, seriously. Think about that.

"What is this 'press' you talk about, little Argentine man? I am Zlatan."

He's already decided where he wants to play next season

Zlatan's agent said back in March, when it was clear that he was going to leave PSG, that he had already decided on his next destination, but that he didn't want to announce it until the summer. Zlatan himself has come out recently and said "the future is already written." Now, far be it from me to suggest that maybe Zlatan and his agent might not be entirely truthful in these statements, but that does suggest that he has lots of options and that him landing at a place like Tottenham is probably about as likely as Spurs signing Lionel Messi.

He's probably going to United

The biggest rumors about Zlatan suggest that he's being heavily courted by Manchester United now that they've appointed Jose Mourinho. And frankly, this makes about as much sense as anything. Despite being, well, not that good, United still have more money than God, and their striker contingent has been pretty anemic this past season. Mourinho is also adept at dealing with huge egos, and there's no ego any larger or more gloriously imperious than Zlatan. Also, Zlatan has already worked with Mourinho when both were at Inter Milan, and the two get along swimmingly.

‘I have spoken with him (Mourinho) every day since I left Inter.

'That is no secret. I have a great relationship with Mourinho and we are in contact but not in this week.

'I am talking to him for many years so that is it. What else do you need to know, tell me?

Apart from United, there are the usual links to Chelsea, Arsenal, and AC Milan. Heck, LA Galaxy is a more likely destination at this point that Tottenham.

But Zlatanham Hotspur!

I know, I know! But it ain't happening. Deal with it.