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Life Ain't Fair and the World is Mean: how Spurs will miss the 2016-17 Champions League

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"I guess it could be worse, it ain't that bad, at least I ain't sitting in ole Baghdad, in the middle of the hot damn desert, sitting in a tank"

Shaun Botterill/Getty Images

After yesterday's drudgery, it is all but certain that Tottenham Hotspur will fade into football abyss. The 2016-17 Champions League, a hope so tangible mere hours ago, has been whisked away like a dandelion seed in the wind, with only the UEFA Europa League, the bastard of European football, left in its void. While its not entirely assured that Spurs will fail to qualify for the Champions League, the team's outlook seems ominous at best. Let's explore the chain of events, numerous and likely to play out, that will oust Tottenham Hotspur from Champions League contention.

Spurs are faced with an enormous task in their final two Premier League matches. They will square off against Southhampton (resurgent, petty, vindictive, God implied to be on their side) at White Hart Lane before heading north where, after a brief encounter with a band of wayward White Walkers, they will meet Newcastle United. A caged, cornered, and rabid beast in need of a result, anything other than a lopsided defeat seems unlikely at St. James Park.

Manchester City are slated to play Arsenal and Swansea City, while the Gunners are set to face-off against City and Villa. The fact that our two closest competitors play each other might seem like a good thing, but the result, either way it goes, should propel one side to form and belief, with the other driven to instinctual survival, catapulting them to glory in the season finale.

Yet Spurs need to worry about Europe too. Liverpool seem to be toying with Villareal by gifting them a 1-0 lead heading into the second leg at Anfield, while City only need a draw and an away goal to advance to the Champions League Final. Trophies are but a formality for both sides at this point.

With this in mind, let's look at the probable scenarios for the final two weeks of the season.

Scenario #1

Manchester City and Liverpool win the Champions League and the Europa League.

That is two spots right there. Leicester City has already wrapped up the Premier League title — say goodbye to spot #3. This leaves one spot open for Spurs and Arsenal. Tottenham have a 3 point cushion against the Gunners and a slight 14 goal edge in differential, but we all know that Spuds fold late. There are a plethora of ways that this can play out, below are the most reasonable predictions.

  • Spurs lose to both Southhampton & Newcastle, Arsenal take 4 points from City & Villa
  • Spurs lose to both Southhampton & Newcastle by a 3-0 scoreline in each fixture, Arsenal loses to City, but defeats Aston Villa, however resilient they may be, by a 9-0 score.
  • Spurs somehow muster a draw against both Southhampton and Newcastle, Arsenal take 6 points from City & Villa

SPURS OUT

[Editor's note: Thanks to rule changes, this scenario only works if both City and Liverpool finish outside of the top four. But Spurs would almost certainly find SOME way to f**k it up, I have faith in them.]

Scenario #2

Liverpool wins the Europa League

Madrid is Madrid and Weezus plays for them and his value is more than the Premier League Champions combined, so while there is a possibility that City win the Champions League, it is farfetched. Liverpool, on the other hand, are a club of stature. GIANTS one might say. If City can't bring home a trophy, Liverpool certainly will.

While there is an extra Champions League spot open in this scenario, don't be foolhardy and expect Spurs to claim it as their own. No, that position is destined for the Citizens. Yes, Tottenham have a 6 point edge on the Sky Blues, yet their plus 9 goal differential on the Manchester side is dubious at best. The future is now below:

  • Spurs lose to both Southhampton & Newcastle to the tune of 3-0 in each fixture, Arsenal loses to City, but defeats Aston Villa, however resilient they may be, by a 9-0 score.

AND

  • Spurs lose to both Southampton & Newcastle to the tune of 3-0 in each fixture. City win their final two matches against Arsenal and Swansea by the scorelines of 2-1 and 4-1.

SPURS OUT

Scenario #3

City win the Champions League.

Jurgen Klopp's Liverpool™ spits in the face of the gods and fails to claim what was rightfully theirs; the 2015-16 Europa League crown. Manchester City though take care of business against the two Madrids and earn an automatic birth to the Group Stage of next year's Champions League competition.

It is mathematically impossible for Tottenham Hotspur to finish 5th this season, so as the gegenpress stutters on the world stage, so does the likelihood that Spurs will miss the 2016-17 Champions League. Yet with Arsenal poised to, at the very least, to erase a +14 goal differential in two matches, it is safe to say that Spurs will finish fourth.

August in Donetsk is a lovely time for the squad to say hello to Vladimir Putin, before their inevitable ignominious defeat against the Ukrainians / Russians / Soviets. (Ukrussiets)

Spurs Crash Out of Champions League Before the Group Stage

Scenario #4

Daniel Levy Match-Fixing Scandal Unearthed

The image of Vlad Chiriches' crooked teeth, overwhelmed by the remnants of cheap Romanian hot dogs, can only stay with a man for so long before he becomes mad. Ravings in the night and a constant shake in his bones, Tottenham's chairman could never really forgive himself for the purchase of the our former Eastern European defender. A slave to the hauntings of the Romanian, Daniel Levy bribes officials and opposing goalkeepers in nearly every game this season. For a fleeting moment, Vlad's memory stopped its harassment. That moment is gone.

SPURS RELEGATED TO LEAGUE 2

[Editor's note: Yes, this is parody. dealwithit.gif]