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Inter Milan Interested in Christian Eriksen

The Italian giants want to... hahahaha I can’t even finish this.

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Tottenham Hotspur v West Bromwich Albion - Premier League Photo by Julian Finney/Getty Images

This is obviously a dumb story that isn’t going anywhere. It doesn’t matter that Eriksen’s former manager at Ajax, Frank de Boer, is now the head man at Inter.

We know this because we are not stupid and because we may have bugged the phones and recorded the conversation when Inter reached out to our Danish playmaker:

Inter: “Hi Christian. This is Inter Milan. We want you to play for us.”
Eriksen: “What will my pay be?”
Inter: “Yes, we know that’s a concern and is probably why you’re negotiating a new deal with Spurs. We will pay you 75% of what the five-time defending champions were paying their best player last year who they are about to sell to Manchester United for a world-record fee.”
Eriksen: “OK, how much is that?”
Inter: “Well, Juventus were paying Paul Pogba €4.5m per year, which is about £60,000 per week. So we are offering you £45,000 per week. By the standards of our league, that’s a lot of money.”
Eriksen: “A team that may get relegated in England just offered their captain £50,000 a week. The team I’m currently with can probably offer me at least £60,000 per week and probably closer to £70,000 or maybe even £80,000.”
Inter: “Oh, well then. But we can offer you European football!”
Eriksen: “You’re in the Champions League?”
Inter: “Well, sort of. We’re in the Europa League.”
Eriksen: “So I would have to play in Helsinki and Qarabag on Thursday nights and rush home to play Crotone the following Sunday?”
Inter: “That is a possibility, yes. But you’ll get to play with Mauro Icardi, Geoffrey Kondogbia, and Marcelo Brozovic.”
Eriksen: “Wait. Those names are familiar. Didn’t we just play you guys last week?”
Inter: “Maybe.”
Eriksen: “And we beat you 6-1?”
Inter: “We fired our manager after.”
Eriksen: (click)

Seriously y’all. This is straight-up bat country. Yes, Christian is still negotiating an extension with the club after rejecting their last offer and yes he is ludicrously underpaid and yes he only has two years left on his current deal.

But with this rumor none of that matters. There is no scenario in which it makes sense for one of the five most important players on an English team in the Champions League to move to an Italian team in the Europa League. This isn’t going anywhere.