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Stoke City 0-4 Tottenham: player ratings to the theme of McDonald’s breakfast items

Spurs were as good as an extra-crispy hash brown.

McDonald's All Day Breakfast At the 58th Annual Grammy Awards Photo by Vivien Killilea/Getty Images

I’ll let you in on a little secret: I rarely eat breakfast. I’m never hungry in the morning, so I generally just grab a quick cup of coffee in the a.m. as I check CFC and look for relevant news stories, then head to work.

But I have an abiding love of McDonald’s breakfast. I very seldom eat there, so when I do have the opportunity to grab a sausage muffin with egg sandwich with a few extra hash browns, I take it. Now that McDonald’s has all-day breakfast, it means I can get my McGriddle fix any time I want. It’s probably shortened my life span by a few years, but it’s totally worth it, and incredibly enjoyable.

Much like a 4-0 Premier League away win, amirite? Tottenham crushed Stoke City at the bet365 for the second consecutive year, and it felt awfully good. I thought I’d take the time to rank the players to something that brings most of us joy.

Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of McDonald’s breakfast items.

5 stars: Bacon, Egg & Cheese McGriddle

The McGriddle is the pinnacle of Mickey D’s breakfast offerings. Egg, cheese, and sausage sandwiched between what’s basically syrup flavored pancakes? What’s not to love? The only thing that would make it better is if they used the whole eggs from the McMuffins and not the scrambled egg mix. I would eat this all day if I wanted to live past 45.

Son Heung-Min (MOTM): Welcome back to English club football, Sonny! Son put in a man of the match performance against Stoke, firing in two goals (the second an absolute beauty) and setting up a third. He was clearly Spurs’ most dangerous attacker, getting forward into space with regularity. This is the guy I remember from Bayer Leverkusen two seasons ago.

Christian Eriksen: Eriksen started the match (ostensibly) on the right side of midfield and was bad for the opening 15 minutes of the match. He was brilliant afterwards, looking like the Eriksen we remember at the peak of last season. He got the assist for both of Sonny’s goals, and was an instrumental part of Spurs’ offense.

Dele Alli: Alli played a number of roles in this match and excelled in all of them. He even looked good as a box-to-box midfielder after Wanyama’s substitution. Got a goal and appeared to finally shake off all the rust from the opening part of the season.

Kyle Walker: Walker continues to display his importance to Tottenham’s attack, going straight at Erik Pieters the entire match. Found Kane for the assist. A marvelous match.

4 stars: Sausage and Egg Biscuit

I almost made this category a tie between the sausage egg biscuit and the sausage egg McMuffin. Biscuits are almost always >>> English muffins, but those whole eggs are way better on the McMuffins. That said, because the combination of the biscuit and the cheese and the sausage is so incredibly addictive, the sausage and egg biscuit wins the day. I’m docking a star, though, because every single time I order one the biscuit crumbles into my lap while I’m eating.

Ben Davies: I was a little concerned about what we’d see out of Davies with Rose out injured. I shouldn’t have worried. Davies doesn’t bring the same set of skills to the position but he was a solid defensive presence, effectively negating Jonathan Walters, and his passing game was solid. He was great.

Harry Kane: You could see the relief in Harry Kane’s face when that goal went in. Kane looked more like his old self than in any other match this season, and it helps when his supporting players behind him are playing well too.

Janby Alderweirtonghen: Both rock solid in defense. If you want to separate them out for whatever reason, you can highlight Toby’s passing from deep over the top of Stoke’s midfield. It wasn’t always effective, but it did keep Stoke on their back heels.

Erik Lamela: Didn’t appear to show any ill effects from his late return to London after the international break, or the jet lag associated with the return. Pressed the heck out of the midfield, as usual.

Hugo Lloris: How do you effectively evaluate a performance where your goalkeeper really didn’t have to do that much and almost all of his saves were routine stops? Four stars sounds about right. Welcome back, Hugo.

3 stars: Breakfast Burritos

Controversial? Yep. A lot of people hate these things. Me, I think they’re a perfectly acceptable delivery mechanism for scrambled eggs, diced bell pepper, cheese, and some sort of vaguely sausage-like substance. The best thing is they hold together when you take them out of the wrapper and hold in heat well so you can eat them easily while driving, and possibly leave them in the bottom of the bag for last. Wish they’d make the picante sauce hotter, though.

Eric Dier: He was fine today, but not great. Part of it was, I think, Dier’s continued discomfort with playing in the pivot alongside Victor Wanyama. He looked much better when Alli moved back beside him in the second half.

Vincent Janssen: Came in as a relief option and was fine, if not spectacular. There continues to be absolutely no reason to worry about the fact that he hasn’t scored yet. He’s fine.

Moussa Sissoko: For a debut, this was a pretty decent one. Sissoko looked good going forward, had a decent shot attempt, and actually tracked back on defense. Is he worth £30m? Too early to say! But based on this small sample size there’s no reason to think he can’t help the team.

Victor Wanyama: Victor wasn’t bad against Stoke, but he also wasn’t particularly effective. Picked up a cheap yellow early and didn’t effectively control the midfield when paired with Dier. Spurs improved significantly after he was subbed off for Lamela. With Moose back, I want to see him as the DM paired with another CM... he might be better in that role.

2 stars: Hotcakes

Pancakes for breakfast usually sounds like a really great idea at almost all times. Not at McDonald’s, and here’s why. Most people who order breakfast order the fast-eating handheld sandwiches because who wants to actually sit down and eat in a McDonald’s? Consequently, not many people order the hotcakes, and they end up sitting there until the very end of their lifespans until some poor schmuck decides, hey, I’ll try the pancakes. Bad idea, friend. At their best, the hotcakes are mediocre. At their worst, they’re downright inedible.

No Tottenham players were poor or bad against Stoke City, so they don’t get hotcakes.

1 star: Fruit ‘N Yogurt Parfait

While I salute the corporate overlords at McDonalds for at least trying to offer some healthier menu options in their establishment, let’s be honest: you don’t go to McD’s because you want to eat well. You go there to mainline grease and calories straight into your bloodstream. These parfaits (which aren’t really parfaits) are terrible. If you want yogurt, you’ll go elsewhere and get some actually good yogurt, rather than slum it with this, the worst thing on the breakfast menu. Plus, with apologies to N’Koudou and N’Jie, I automatically dock points from any food item that has a ‘N in the title. Skip it.