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Recurrently Generated Football League: Abbey & Telper Amlesonians

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Football is for the little people. And these guys.

Abbey & Telper Amlesonians crest Tyson Whiting, designer

Because it’s the international break and we’re bored, the writers of Cartilage Free Captain have been experimenting with machine learning and recurrent neural networks. The Recurrently Generated Football League is an outgrowth of that experimentation: a collection of generated fictional English football club names. The stadiums and SB Nation blogs are also recurrently generated. This is a fictional biography of a fictional football club generated by a computer. For science.


Founded by Telper Lardson, a butcher working at the famous Grumbleburgh Abbey estate in the south of England, Abbey & Telper Amlesonians has been supported by some of the most blue-blooded aristocrats in England, even if those aristocrats didn't always realize it. Consisting of tanners and servants at the old Manor, The Amlesonians used a relationship between a butler and a romantic heiress, Amlee Tidilson, to secure funding. Though she didn't dare tell her daddy, Lord Finkelheiner, the money found its way to good use. Amlesonians were one of the first clubs to pay its players, even though the FA was still technically an amateur league. Their investment paid off, and under the leadership of Two Hands Mickey Stoneston, they won several cups.

By virtue of not being cricket team or a discreet abortion, the Lords and Ladies funding Amlesonians were blissfully unaware of what they were paying for. They simply assumed their daughter was spending lavishly on discreet sexual dalliances in London. It was only when dining with a local MP, who congratulated them on a recent Cup triumph, that they discovered what had been going on. They were incensed that this money was being spent not on escapades with Turkish diplomats but on a sport for the working class. However, they were determined not to be outdone by these proles, Lord Finkelheiner formed his own team of amateurs, consisting entirely of the aristocracy. They took to the field to prove that they were the betters of society in all aspects of life. They would play and win and not do it for something as crass as money. Unfortunately, as a result of centuries of inbreeding, the majority of the team suffered from hemophilia. It was here that the team earned the name that sticks with them to this day: the bleeders. It is ironic that the only goal scored by this team was off the Hapsburg Chin of Lord Pierre Du Chamberlain-Fontebleu the Third. He died shortly thereafter from internal bleeding.

This defeat was the end of the Amlesonians climb up the table. They have lingered in the lower leagues ever since, refusing to shed the amateurism that their rich patrons have found so virtuous. Ironically, while they refuse to spend on the squad itself, they have spent lavishly on their stadium. Whit Lale is the only stadium in England to have a steeplechase track around the pitch and a fox hunt during halftime.

They have recently climbed up the table due to their latest manager, Lord Finkelheiner the Seventh, paying players under the table, but he was relieved of his duties when his parents found out. Ownership has come to grips with needing to pay players in the wake of this decision but could not tolerate keeping secrets. Lord Finkelheiner the Sixth has expressed an interest in fielding a team worthy of the ancient Olympians. He has since begun signing several Greek bodybuilders to the roster. One imagines this will go as well as the family's first foray into management.

abbey & telper amlesonians kits	Tyson Whiting, designer