Well, that was ugly. Like, super, seriously ugly. Delete-it-from-the-DVR-and-never-watch-it-again ugly. Tottenham went into the North London Derby at the Emirates on Saturday as favorites, and left as pariahs, limping to a 2-0 loss to the Gunners and walking out with their tails between their legs.
I’m not gonna sugarcoat it — that was bad. But not EVERYBODY was awful in that match, and it’s worth pointing out who comported themselves well in that ludicrous display Saturday night.
We’re going back to the Recurrently Generated Premier League well for this one, because why not? I’m gonna milk this for everything it’s worth. It was hinted in the video posted yesterday, but not all of the recurrently generated club names were good. Some of them were, well, pretty awful. Seems like a post NLD shellacking is a good enough time to pull some of those out and highlight them.
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of rejected Recurrently Generated Football league names.
Spelled backwards, that’s Boelgnilltrim, which is an actual place in south Wales, I understand.
No Tottenham Hotspur players put in a 5-star performance on Saturday.
I have no idea.
Davinson Sanchez: If there was one player who did the most on the pitch to make Spurs fans not want to murder him in his sleep, it’s Sanchez. He mostly held Alexis Sanchez in check in a very good performance, and definitely doesn’t deserve any stick for the “foul” on Alexis that led to Arsenal’s first goal. He was pretty great.
I feel like the time is coming, soon, when newly founded football club names will include random open parentheses. Today is not that day.
Mousa Dembele: Bless Moose, he tried, really, and his presence was one of the reasons why Spurs’ midfield wasn’t a smoking ruin by the end of the match. But he wasn’t quite able to both be a stout, physical presence and also progress the ball out of midfield on his own.
The (EW) stands for “Ewwwww.”
Harry Kane: Kane had a couple of opportunities -- a powerful shot straight at Cech in the first half and a looping header that wasn’t too far away. But he also wasn’t getting service, so it’s not all his fault that he wasn’t great and didn’t score. Also, was clearly not fully fit.
Hugo Lloris: Had no chance on Arsenal’s first goal, and was off-balance for the second.
Kieran Trippier: Clearly the better of the two fullbacks in this match, he still spent a lot of time NOT getting past Kolasinac and trying to defend.
Dele Alli: Pretty poor. I’m not sure he was fully fit either. He looked off the pace and everything he tried didn’t come off. But, it did look like he was trying.
Eric Dier: Not one of his better games. He had a number of bad passes out of the back line and seemed to have fits with Ozil, Lacazette, and Alexis throughout the match.
Harry Winks: We were crying for Winksy to start the match instead of Moussa Sissoko, but he instead disappeared into the background when he came on.
Jan Vertonghen: Somehow lost Mustafi on the free kick for Arsenal’s goal, even if it should’ve been called back. Had a couple of defensive stops for Spurs, but this was one of the worse games I’ve seen from him this season.
Moussa Sissoko: Yes, he tried to start some attacks. But rarely did he impact the match in a positive manner, was completely absent in the press, and he more often than not hung Dembele out to dry.
Ben Davies: Arsenal ruthlessly exploited the gap between Davies and Jan Vertonghen throughout the match — their second goal directly came from a pass that split that gap — and Davies’ failure to track back defensively was a big reason for that disparity. It wasn’t quite Sadio-Mane-in-that-Liverpool-match, but it wasn’t good.
Christian Eriksen: Spurs fans were fervently hoping that Eriksen would replicate his offensive heroics that he showed for Denmark in World Cup qualifying. [EXTREMELY DAVID ATTENBOROUGH VOICE] He didn’t.
Up the Haclengat? Under the Mifbridge? Shove it up your Rambrach?
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Haclengat Rambrach Mifbridge.
Son Heung-Min, Fernando Llorente