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OH NOES THE SKY IS FALLING EVERYONE RUN AROUND SCREAMING
Football fans are no stranger to crisis. Heck, there’s a recurring series on SB Nation Soccer by Andi Thomas called “Which Premier League sides are sliding into crisis this week?” Now, after a string of bad league results momentarily broken by a big Champions League win over Dortmund (who have their own crisis at the moment), Tottenham Hotspur fans are starting to look, well, a little worried.
And maybe we should, since Spurs haven’t been great! So since we’re all in a funk, let’s rate the Spurs players after their 2-1 loss at Leicester City to the theme of CRISES. Don your flame-retardant shirts and let’s go.
You say you want a crisis? How about the brink of nuclear annihilation? Even 55 years later, this is the kind of thing in American history that you read about and wonder how civilization survived the inherent stupidity of the entire situation. It’s incredible just how close the world came to global nuclear conflict and it’s a minor miracle that it didn’t happen. Thank God cooler heads prevailed.
Erik Lamela: GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS HE’S BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK. Lamela played 15 minutes and had one great assist and one stupid yellow card. (That’s a world-beater goal away from the Lamela Hat Trick™) Erik is obviously rusty, but he changed the game when he came in. We need him. He is risen indeed!
The modern societal crisis of our times. Contrary to what you may hear, this is not in question, nor is it “under review.” We are living it, and as of right now, we are failing almost every test. Want to freak out about a crisis right now? This is the one, since it may already be too late to stop it.
Mousa Dembele: I saw some going in on Moose in the comments and on Twitter after the match, but I though Dembele was pretty darned good on the whole. The knock on him continues to be that he can’t go 90 minutes, but he was a bright spot on a day where there weren’t very many of them.
Harry Kane: Practically willed the ball into the net off of that exquisite pass from Lamela. He worked his tail off at the King Power, but lordy does he need a rest.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Davinson Sanchez: Again, probably Spurs’ best defender on a day when the back line didn’t cover itself with glory. Had a number of defensive stops, tackles, and clearances on Leicester breaks.
Dele Alli: Dele wasn’t outstanding, but he also wasn’t poor in this match. I felt as though Dele’s work rate was quite good, even if some of the things he was trying didn’t fully come off. You can’t fault his effort, though.
Everything is meaningless. LOL nothing matters. Nothing is good, nothing is bad. Even this category is just... meh, without substance, form, or significance. (Which makes it perfect for a three-star category.)
Hugo Lloris: Was beaten by two worldies, but otherwise had little to do. He was fine, I guess? What can you do?
Eric Dier: Man, I don’t know with Eric. He was asked to shuffle back and forth between midfield and the back line. He was pretty good in midfield, and pretty poor as a center back. Three stars seems... fair?
Nothing brings grown men and women to the brink of hysteria like their favorite SPORTSBALL club losing a few games. It seems to provoke the worst kind of overreactions at all levels, from owners to management to the fans. Unless your club is due to be either a) relegated or b) wound up, you’re probably going to be just fine.
Jan Vertonghen: I mean, he wasn’t shocking on the whole, but he gets a bump down for inexplicably herding Riyad Mahrez onto his dominant left foot for Leicester’s second goal.
Christian Eriksen: Hot take: he wasn’t thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat bad yesterday. Lord knows he wasn’t great, and he missed an absolute sitter, but this isn’t the match in which to crucify Christian. Just rest him for a couple of games and let him get his fitness and confidence back. Also, don’t let him play for Denmark until the World Cup.
Just buy the sports car, dude, and stop trying to find a reason to justify it. It’s okay. You’re allowed.
Serge Aurier: Yeeesh, was that ever not great. Yes, he had a nice cross (that Llorente botched), but he had so many bone-headed passes and did very little to impact the match in a positive way.
Moussa Sissoko: Sissoko’s goal miss was probably the worst of the lot, since he had time to think about what he wanted to do with the ball and he STILL screwed it up. He was pretty awful overall, and I really hope Wanyama comes back soon so we don’t have to play him so often in meaningful matches.
Fernando Llorente: How in the WORLD did this guy score 15 goals for Swansea? And when will he unzip his human suit and reveal that he’s actually been Roberto Soldado this whole time?
Two things. 1) It’s not actually a “quarter-life crisis” since you’re probably not going to make to age 100, sorry. And 2) you’re 25. Shut the f—k up.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as a “quarter-life” crisis.