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Tottenham 5-2 Southampton: player ratings to the theme of porgs

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Porrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgs!

MLB: Seattle Mariners at New York Yankees
There are no porgs in the Getty editor, so here’s a photo of Chewbacca.
Adam Hunger-USA TODAY Sports

What a day! Tottenham Hotspur hosted Southampton on Boxing Day at Wembley Stadium and emerged as emphatic 5-2 winners in the Premier League. Harry Kane got his second consecutive hat trick, broke a couple of records, and fired Spurs to within six points of second place. It was fun!

Now that we’ve all seen Star Wars: The Last Jedi (we have, right?), let’s talk about the most important thing to come out of that movie: porgs. These critters aren’t just the Ewoks of 2017 — they were awesome. Porgs are great. Let’s rank the Tottenham players to porgs, because yes.

(Warning: I guess there are some super minor spoilers here for anyone who still hasn’t seen the movie, but trust me when I say that nothing here is anything that you probably wouldn’t have seen if you watched any of the trailers. Plus, they’re porg spoilers, so they’re awesome. Sporglers.)


Sad porg is sad because Chewie is mean.

Harry Kane: I don’t know how anyone can deny that Harry Edward Kane is the best #9 in European football right now. Clinical finishing against Soton, and he could’ve had five goals on the day. He is an absolute joy, and if he doesn’t get injured he’s going to score 30+ goals and win the Golden Boot... again.

Dele Alli: Someone ate his Wheaties this week. Dele was, for the second consecutive game, amazing. He linked up with Kane and Sonny very well, and was an absolute terror to Southampton’s defense. Lovely stuff from Dele, who is back to playing like he did at the best of last season.

Erik Lamela: Whaddya mean he only played “a few minutes?” He’s Erik Lamela, he’s awesome, and he gets five stars because yes.


Scared porg isn’t as awesome as sad porg, but scared porg will no doubt live on for eternity as an internet reaction .gif. So, is it all that bad, really?

Son Heung-Min: Spectacular. Got a goal, wreaked havoc on Soton’s back line, and put in some lovely crosses. His interplay with Dele and Kane for Harry’s second was divine.

Eric Dier: The running theory in the Carty Free Slack room is that the reason Spurs have been so dominant the past two games is in no small part because Eric Dier is back in midfield. He changes the dynamic and makes the midfield work. Outstanding.

Christian Eriksen: Another semi-quietly brilliant outing from Eriksen. His free kick for Kane’s first was spot on, and he was again the most creative player on the pitch.


Can you put that in the Instant Pot?

Jan Vertonghen: Despite giving up two goals, Tottenham’s defense coped will with Soton’s counterattacking threat. Jan had a great last-ditch sliding block and did well to make a number of solid tackles and clearances.


Porgs are the new parrots.

Davinson Sanchez: Had a couple of minor defensive hiccups especially in the second half, but nothing that Jan couldn’t handle. Otherwise, pretty solid. His return freed Dier up to return to the midfield, and I’m not sure it’s a hot take to suggest that Sanchez might be a better central defender than Eric right now.

Danny Rose: He was good! Showed a few more glimpses of the dominant Rose that we loved from the past two season. Got forward with aplomb, had some lovely runs into space. But oh, that back-pass header that almost got past Hugo...


It’s true! They couldn’t shoo them away or edit them out, so they turned them into the best Star Wars aliens ever.

Serge Aurier: He was fine. Had some good moments going forward and appears to be getting better, but also left some holes behind him in defense. There’s still room for improvement, but with Poch being the fullback whisperer, I’m optimistic about him.

Mousa Dembele: Not his usual dominant self. I don’t think he had an especially great game and looked less physical than usual. Might have carried a knock, and was subbed off in the second half. He wasn’t poor, though.

Moussa Sissoko: Ran around a lot, got forward, didn’t do anything noteworthy, either good or bad. He was fine.


Porgs are great, but porgs in every single #brand product out there from now until Episode IX is not so great.

Hugo Lloris: A dominant performance from the team as a whole masked what was a really bad game for Hugo. Had a couple of nice stops, but was equally complicit in Rose’s near OG in the first half, and let in two balls that he really should’ve stopped. Apparently Tuesday was his birthday? Maybe he was hung over.


Jar-Jar is 100% emphatically not a porg. Hmmm, maybe that was his problem...

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Jar-Jar Binks, who is not a porg.


Harry Winks