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Tottenham Hotspur 1-0 Middlesbrough: player ratings to the theme of ways to eat eggs

Dang it, now I’m hungry.

German Health Ministry Advises On Egg Preparation Photo by Ralph Orlowski/Getty Images

One of the apocryphal stories about cooking, which has been attributed to untold numbers of chefs through the years, is about eggs. The story goes that the amazing, four-star French (or Italian, or American, or whatever) chef who is looking to hire on a new cook will give his/her prospective sous-in-waiting a simple test: make me some eggs. If he/she can make good eggs in their chosen format, it’s said, then they are good enough to cook in the restaurant.

I have no trouble believing this old chestnut of a story, because eggs are one of the great things about fine cooking. Or any cooking, really. They are self-contained parcels of wonderfulness, chock full of proteins, silky textures, and infinite ways to prepare them. And nearly all of them are delicious.

However, eggs can also be easy to screw up if they’re not cooked properly. I know several people who say they dislike eggs because of poor preparation, which is a shame, because a culinary world without eggs is a dark, cold place.

Here are the Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of ways to make eggs.

You can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs. Well, actually, you CAN, but it’s just a really crappy omelette. And why would you want that? There is no better, nor in many ways easier, way to make eggs. Whip them until frothy with a little whole milk and salt, pour into a hot buttered pan, stir gently, and leave them alone. Add a few key ingredients like cheese if you desire, black pepper, and remove just before fully set. Fold over and sprinkle with chives. Heaven on a plate.

Despite the overwhelmingly dominant performance, there weren’t any Tottenham Hotspur that reached the omelette level.

Fried eggs are one of the great additions to the Western culinary tradition. Try and imagine a good American breakfast without a fried egg. You can’t. Fried eggs also enhance just about every other kind of food as well. Got a really good burger? Put a fried egg on top. Boom, it’s now better. And for an even more idiot proof way to make them, make them “in a hole” — use a glass to cut out a circle from a piece of bread, crack an egg in that space, and you have eggs and toast in one dish. Over easy? Over medium? Sunny side up? Ultimately, it’s all just an egg cooked in grease, and it’s all good.

Son Heung-Min: A very strange match for Sonny. Unplayable at times against a pretty bad Boro defense, Son was probably Spurs’ brightest star on offense, but he had moments of questionable decision-making and probably should’ve scored at least one goal in the first half. Can’t fault his effort or his ability, though. He’s still my Man of the Match.

Mousa Dembele: Dominated Boro’s midfield. As one does.

Victor Wanyama: Victor continues to impress me in the pivot, and so long as he continues to simplify his game, play outstanding defense, and doesn’t try to get too fancy, I feel comfortable with him continuing to start every match.

Toby Alderweireld: Dealt capably with the attacking threat and pace of Adama Traore, and never really put a foot wrong. Should’ve scored with that glorious noggin of his, too -- damn you post!

Christian Eriksen: Industrious, creative, and visionary, once again. Perhaps not his best ever match, but he easily gets an extra star for that pass to Dele. You know the one.

I love a good frittata, because it’s an egg dish that’s a whole meal. The addition of meats, potatoes, and other veggies ups the egg game, and the time under the broiler browns the top and makes the whole thing puff up like a cloud. Just make sure you make it in a non-stick (or well seasoned cast iron) pan.

Harry Kane: Boro were set up to frustrate and Kane didn’t get his usual raft of chances, but he was there to step up and bury the penalty kick when it mattered the most.

Dele Alli: Looked good overall — certainly better than against Sunderland — but appeared to be snatching at chances now and then. Really should’ve scored but hit side netting instead. And next time, Dele, sell it better when you get your nose picked by an irate opposition keeper.

Eric Dier: Another solid performance in defense, and looks extremely comfortable as Alderweireld’s partner. Desperately waiting for Jan to get healthy so we can see him in the three-at-the-back formation again.

I know, okay? I KNOW. Poached eggs are wonderful. They’re also a pain in the neck to make and ridiculously easy to screw up. I know this because, while I consider myself a highly competent cook, I still screw up a poached egg as often as I get a good one, and usually end up with what looks like an eggy jellyfish. 6 stars for deliciousness, 2 stars for ease of cooking.

Ben Davies: Had a perfectly fine match, especially on the defensive end, but Davies still suffers from the permanent disadvantage of not being Danny Rose.

Kyle Walker: With Davies not the same sort of fullback as Ben Davies, a lot of the width came from Kyle Walker. He was fine, but I wasn’t particularly impressed with his crossing against Boro.

Hugo Lloris: Never really had to make a stop. But if he had, y’know, I’m sure he’d have been right on top of it.

I like a good egg salad sandwich as much as the next guy and I’ll cook a bunch of eggs up for my kids to color at Easter, but there are so many wonderful ways to make eggs, why would you possibly choose to boil them within an inch of their lives? Unless you’re making deviled eggs, in which case never mind, proceed. And save me about six.

Despite how scary the ending was, that had more to do with Boro than Spurs. No Tottenham players were especially poor.

Hard scrambled eggs are crimes against humanity. Never, NEVER use high heat to cook eggs. You end up with hard, rubbery lumps of congealed protein that aren’t fit for human consumption. And yet for so many people this is the default way to cook them. Shame on you.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as a hard scrambled egg.

Moussa Sissoko, Harry Winks, Vincent Janssen