Bring in retrospective bans for goal celebrations pic.twitter.com/7O9lzYBSNt— Andy Ha (@_AndyHa) March 5, 2017
By the reaction online, Dele and Harry not only murdered the entire sport of football, they also spat on the memory of the original Old Etonions and kicked a couple of puppies, probably. They CERTAINLY weren’t a couple of twenty-something guys having fun after scoring an awesome goal for their professional football club.
I’m not sure what prompted this display of #funpolice in action, but goal celebrations and handshakes are a thing and have been a thing forever. They’re also apparently acceptable for everyone except if you’re a person who plays football for Tottenham Hotspur.
So darn it, we’re going to celebrate this as the elaborate art that it is. Here are the player ratings to the theme of secret handshakes. Suck it, haters.
Meet Barry White, Jr. Not only does he have about the dopest name possible for a grade school teacher, he also greets each of his students every morning with their own, personalized secret handshake. This guy is the best. All my grade school teachers were middle-aged white women. I would’ve loved a secret handshake in fifth grade. BONUS 4.9 star rating goes to the girl in the salmon-colored shirt who just fires off a salute as she saunters in the door. Don’t try and conform, Number 07. You be you.
Harry Kane: Five goals in two games is pretty damn good. Harry probably should’ve had a third, as well. He’s probably outperforming xG right now, which makes his purple patch in the past ten games so much fun to watch. Watch out, Shearer.
There’s something to be said for an intricate secret handshake like what Dele and Harry did on Sunday, but I’m more of a fan of a simple, but very well executed handshake. Jake and Kyle accomplished that a few years back, and it’s fantastic. They should make this the Official Handshake of Tottenham Hotspur Football Club.
Toby Alderweireld: The most withdrawn CB in the back three, Toby was tasked with keeping Romelu Lukaku quiet. And for the majority of the match, he did. An extremely solid defensive performance against a very good striker. Fell asleep a bit on Everton’s second goal.
Kyle Walker: It is so much fun to watch Walker play as a fullback with fewer defensive responsibilities (though he tracks back on the regular as well). He was again a menace on the right flank, and gave a creaky Leighton Baines all kinds of trouble.
Dele Alli: Dele was a little quieter than what we are used to for much of the match, but came through with a nice run into the box to get on Winks’ free kick and score the third goal. Nicely done, Dele.
Vincent Janssen’s butt: Janssen might have only had a short cameo, but his ass won Spurs two key fouls in the dying moments that helped kill off the game. That deserves a mention.
Are you a Traveling Man/Woman? We know how hard it is to find true believers when you’re a stranger in a strange land that is not yet woke. Use these tokens to find like-minded brothers and sisters who have immanentized the eschaton, but also have their third eye open. So mote it be.
Jan Vertonghen: Super Jan was given license to bomb forward in support of (or in replacement of?) Ben Davies, and it was super fun to watch him make a couple of mazy, Vlad Chiriches-esque forward runs into the box. Probably should’ve scored, too. Dinged slightly for the slip that led to Lukaku’s goal, but it was wet out there.
Ben Davies: We’ve talked a lot on this website about Davies’ shortcomings in comparison to Danny Rose, which is probably a bit unfair of us. Sunday, Davies was very good, pushing farther forward and keeping Seamus Coleman locked up pretty tight. A solid match.
Victor Wanyama: He’s good in the 3-5-2! A solid match for Big Vic, who dropped back to help shield the defense when required and wrecked crap in midfield the rest of the time. No real complaints about his game.
Harry Winks: A solid, no-frills stint in relief for Dembele, elevated slightly for that beautiful free kick to Dele. Great ball.
This is good because it’s the Simpsons doing a secret handshake, but it’s also good because it’s Mark Cuban on the Simpsons doing a secret handshake. Plus, we can all believe that Cuban probably does have a secret handshake that he uses with his billionaire friends, right? I believe it.
Eric Dier: Dier was quite solid with the ball on Sunday, with most of his passing miscues coming via speculative long balls. He also connected quite well with Walker on the right wing. However, he totally fell asleep on Everton’s second goal.
Mousa Dembele: Dembele didn’t dominate the midfield the way he usually does, and that’s mostly down to some excellent marking from Morgan Schneiderlin and Idrissa Gana Gueye. He wasn’t bad, he just wasn’t dominant.
Christian Eriksen: Much of what I said about Dembele can also be attributed to Eriksen. Everton identified him as a major threat and worked hard to neutralize him. Hence, a quieter game than we’ve come to expect. Credit to Everton.
Hugo Lloris: Should probably be a little miffed at his back line for allowing two unstoppable shots to go at him. Nothing he could really do about either goal, and he had a couple of nice stops in an otherwise quiet match.
The NBA is secret handshake heaven (thanks, LeBron!), but we have to make room on this list for a super awkward one. Kevin Love and Wes Johnson are teammates but holy smokes neither one wants to commit to the hand slap here. Whatever’s going on, hug it out, bros.
Please for the love of God don’t do any of these handshakes in public. No, I don’t know that person. No idea who they are. They’re not with me.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as that triple scoop ice cream secret handshake.