Tottenham Hotspur 4-0 Bournemouth: player ratings to the theme of OMG I WAS AT THE LANE

So there’s a heck of a lot to unpack from Tottenham Hotspur’s 4-0 win over Bournemouth at White Hart Lane on Saturday. As an experience, being there for it was by far the highlight of my Spurs fandom. From the Overground train to White Hart Lane station, to picking my tickets up at the StubHub booth (no waiting!), to the tour of the interior of the Lane (of which I’ll write more later) — everything was fantastic.

I did not have my analytical hat on while I was at the match. I’m a soccer blogger, and I almost always watch football matches through that lens. But this time, I wasn’t watching with an eye towards analyzing players, or tracking the tactical nuances of the match. I was there as a fan, and I reveled in the freedom afforded me because I knew the site was being taken care of.

So here are my Tottenham Hotspur player ratings based on my experience at White Hart Lane, to the theme of GUYS GUYS GUYS GUISE I WAS TOTALLY AT WHITE HART LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE

What can I say? White Hart Lane is an old stadium, but what it lacks in modern amenities it makes up for tenfold in charm. The corridors and concourses are narrow, the doors in odd places, the seats small and cheap, and the construction around the stadium makes it look like you’re in an industrial zone. Outside, the High Street is narrow and lined with random shops, and looks like the residential neighborhood that it actually is. I loved it. The pitch is immaculately taken care of, and the seats are right there by the pitch, which means the stadium itself is LOUD. It reminded me a little of old American baseball stadiums like Wrigley Field. An unforgettable experience.

Hugo Lloris, Kyle Walker, Toby Alderweireld, Jan Vertonghen, Ben Davies, Mousa Dembele, Eric Dier, Son Heung-Min, Christian Eriksen, Dele Alli, Harry Kane, Vincent Janssen, Victor Wanyama, Mauricio Pochettino, Ledley King, Chirpy: THESE GUYS WERE THE BEST I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS ABOUT ANY OF THESE GUYS EVERYONE WAS INCREDIBLE SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Seriously, this was like the only negative thing. The turnstiles are like literally a foot wide. I had to turn sideways just to get through them then spent about ten seconds frantically pushing at the locked gate trying to get and tamping down panic like they suddenly figured out that I’m not really supposed to be here or something. Eventually I heard someone to my left yell “MATE! TICKET!” and realized that there’s a gate agent side-eying me through a window and holding out his hand like I’m an idiot. Those turnstiles made me look dumb. They are trash.

Moussa Sissoko: He dribbled into the right corner while being triple teamed and promptly coughed up the ball. That pretty much sums it up.