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Tottenham 2-1 Manchester United: player ratings to the theme of rainbows

These rainbows ain’t got nothing on the Lanebow.

Tottenham Hotspur v Manchester United - Premier League Photo by Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images

The moment when the rainbow appeared in the sky above White Hart Lane, I was literally rendered speechless. You could kind of see it on the TV screens, but the moment the first pictures showed up on Twitter, that was the point where we realized that there was something amazing going on.

I couldn’t have imagined a better way to say goodbye to the Lane than what happened on Sunday. It was truly unforgettable. It’s a million star rainbow.

But we still have a match to evaluate. So let’s rank the Tottenham Hotspur players after their last-ever match at White Hart Lane to the theme of rainbows.

Who didn’t grow up watching LeVar Burton and Reading Rainbow? Even millennials know this show, and for good reason: it’s the best. As a kid, I loved watching my favorite Star Trek character, Geordie LaForge, talk to me about books through my television screen, and the impact that this show has had on youth reading is incredible. The best thing about it was that Burton didn’t talk down to kids, and interacted with them naturally. Apart from the White Hart Lanebow, I can’t think of a better bow. Together now: Butterfly in the skyyyyyyyyyyyy...

Harry Kane: You knew he was going to score in this match, and his goal didn’t disappoint, either. His goal was a classic reaction shot from Kane, something that he does very, very well. A great goal, and a great way to send off the Lane.

Christian Eriksen: Had a couple of chances to score, but again his strength was in his distribution and passing into the box for his teammates. His free kick to Kane for the second goal was phenomenal. He’s just so, so good.

There’s a reason why this song has melded so perfectly into American popular culture. It’s a great song with thought provoking lyrics that are powerful, hopeful, and meaningful. Plus there’s just something about the image of a frog playing a banjo.

Janby Alderweirtonghen: Both Belgian backs were again mostly imperious at the back. Toby let Martial get a half step on him in the first half, but otherwise, both center backs let very little past them throughout the match.

Victor Wanyama: I still don’t like Wanyama paired with Eric Dier, but Big Vic has been playing well of late. He was once again very solid in midfield, and made Wayne Rooney look like a chump by towering over him for his headed goal. A very nice game.

Dele Alli: Didn’t score, probably could’ve except for De Gea being very good at football. Still an all-around very good and dangerous performance out of Alli. Worked hard to get under Phil Jones & Chris Smalling’s skin.

Hungrybear9562 didn’t set out to achieve internet fame. He was just a slightly batty guy, living by himself out in the wilderness, who saw something profound in nature that made him cry and that he wanted to share with people. And then Jimmy Kimmell found it. He got made fun of a lot, which isn’t really fair. Sure, it’s weird and a little creepy, but I’ve had a similar revelatory moment with nature myself. (I just didn’t film myself while experiencing it. But whatever.) Nature is great. You be you, Hungrybear9562, and thanks for sharing.

Son Heung-Min: Missed a sitter in his only real chance of the game, but otherwise lively and dangerous for his entire shift. He’s found his footing under Pochettino this season, and it’ll be interesting to see him battle Erik Lamela for minutes next year.

Eric Dier: Stable, dependable. Recycled possession well and served as an effective link between the defense and the attack in the absence of Mousa Dembele.

I know people who really like this album. I know people who hate it with the force of a thousand suns. I think it’s fine, but not my favorite Radiohead album — that’s reserved for “Kid A” and “A Moon Shaped Pool.” Still, it’s a perfectly fine record, and worthy of a place in this illustrious rainbow ranking.

Ben Davies: A surprisingly solid match from Davies, who has a lot of wear on the tires this spring and hasn’t had the best of times in recent games. Got forward well, had a number of good balls into the box, and looked good in defense.

Hugo Lloris: Had no chance on Rooney’s equalizer, and otherwise wasn’t given a whole lot to do, with United putting just two shots on target. Has there ever been a world-class goalkeeper called into action as infrequently as Hugo?

Mousa Dembele: Was unfortunate to enter the game right after Wayne Rooney scored to halve Spurs’ lead. The entire team looked nervous after that point, and Dembele didn’t really make as huge an impact as what we all expected. That said, Moose was fine. No complaints.

Kyle Walker: Came in for the injured Trippier in the second half and reminded me why we rate him so highly. Looked bright and direct, though he didn’t really assert himself as much as I expected coming on so late, and also put a couple of decent crosses in during his brief cameo. Let’s not sell him — instead, put him and Poch into couples counseling.

MarioKart is one of the best platform games of all time, but Rainbow Road can go get f**ked. It’s wicked hard. So hard that I rarely can get past the third curve without flying off into the inky blackness. It’s the kind track that separates the MarioKart wizards from the mere pretenders, which I happily acknowledge that I am. Unsurprisingly, my nine-year old son has it pretty much mastered.

Kieran Trippier: Was directly responsible for United’s only goal after being skinned by Anthony Martial on the right flank. Substituted early after landing on his back thanks to a bad challenge. He’s had his moments this season, but this wasn’t one of his better matches.

This guy. I mean, not only does he not write for the site anymore, but I heard it said that he’s way more interested in #growthhacking his LinkedIn #brand than busting out the .gifs for a cheeky Tactics Tuesday article. He’s not even on Twitter! An utter trash lad. Tweet all complaints to @skipjack0079.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as trash as Brett Rainbow.