Well, wasn’t THAT an exciting North London Derby? Tottenham Hotspur didn’t just beat Arsenal, they rolled over them, winning 2-0, creating a bunch more chances, forcing Petr Cech into nine saves, and banishing St. Totteringham’s Day for the first time in 22 years.
It was fantastic! The best thing ever! So how can we possibly rank this performance to anything but the Muppets?
Full disclosure: Rowlf is my favorite Muppet of all time. The wisdom-dispensing philosopher piano player of the Muppet world, Rolf always had a great head on his shoulders, and his chill “aw shucks” demeanor resonated with me as a youngster and beyond. But he also had great comic timing, as evidence by his role as Doctor Bob. If there’s one Muppet whom I’d like to have a beer and talk about life with, it’s Rowlf.
Harry Kane: Kane was fantastic in the Derby, buzzing everywhere, collecting flies in his mouth, and drawing penalties. He scored, because of course he did. I can’t think of a single thing to criticize from Harry’s play.
Dele Alli: Dele was an absolute nuisance across Tottenham’s front line, disrupting Arsenal’s defensive shape and drawing players out of position. I’m not sure how he managed to be the first to react to the deflected ball on his goal, but I’m glad he did.
Hoo cun yuoo nut lufe-a thees gooy? Nut oonly is he-a a breelliunt cuuk boot he-a elsu knoos hoo tu interteeen, es hees sketches ere-a cunseestently sume-a ooff zee foonneeest in zee Mooppet Shoo's inture-a roon. Bork bork bork!
Christian Eriksen: Please don’t go to Barcelona please don’t go to Barcelona please don’t go to Barcelona please don’t go to Barcelona please don’t go to Barcelona please don’t go to Barcelona
Son Heung-Min: Sonny worked really well with both Kieran Trippier and Ben Davies as they tried to advance the ball up Arsenal’s flanks throughout the match. He looks way more comfortable in his natural position than as a left back.
ARSENAL BAD! ARSENAL BAD! WE GO NORTH LONDON? WANT TITLE! WANT EAT ÖZIL! BANG DRUM! BANG DRUM! BANG DRUM! BANG DRUM! BANG DRUM!
Victor Wanyama: Had a couple of scary moments early in the match but rebounded and was absolutely dominant, especially in the second half. His defensive pinch and resulting counterattack was glorious.
Eric Dier: The Wanyama-Dier midfield scared me a little before the match, but after some opening jitters Dier found a way to work well with Big Vic, and Dier’s passing range was helpful in opening Arsenal up.
Hands down, the two funniest Muppets ever. “Every week, Arsenal looks better to me.” “Every week, your eyesight gets worse!” “AAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Toby Alderweireld: Solid as a rock at the back, and should’ve scored in the first half after having an open header at goal. No chance Arsenal were getting through him in this match.
Jan Vertonghen: Again extremely solid in defense, and had a couple of amazing chances to score with powerful shots from distance. He wants to score so bad. I hope he gets the chance this season.
When you think of the Muppets, you think of Kermit. He’s the kindest, accepting of all, willing to find the good in everybody, a talented musician, and a promoter willing to give everyone a chance, whether or not they deserve it. He might be a bit of a doormat, but he’s still endearing that way.
Ben Davies: One of his better performances on the year. Ben didn’t necessarily have as much defensive duties, and got forward well. I didn’t have too many complaints about his game.
Kieran Trippier: A little scary in the first half, his crossing was virtually nonexistent, and had to stay deep quite often defensively. But he did a good job on Alexis and we won the Derby so he gets five stars too.
Oooooohhhhh! Hello. Yiiiiiip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip. Greetings. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip. Gooner! GOONER! Nope-nope-nope-nope-nope-nope-nope. Oooooohhhhhhhh!
Hugo Lloris: Wasn’t always busy, but was called into action on a couple of occasions, and made at least two quality saves on the day. Hard to think there are many keepers better than Hugo.
An endearing but hopeless stand-up comic, nobody does dad jokes better than Fozzie. His never-say-die spirit is inspirational, and he’s always there to back up whatever Kermit does. Three cheers for Fozzie, he’s the best. Waka-waka-waka!
Mousa Dembele: Remarkably, Spurs didn’t need him to help win the midfield against the Gunners. Which is fine by me — the late cameo gave Moose a bit of a breather, but I expect he’ll be back destroying West Ham’s midfield on Friday.
Kyle Walker: A late substitute to run against tired legs. Didn’t show us much, but he didn’t have to -- we know how good Kyle is. Please stay, Kyle.