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Monday Hoddle of Coffee, Time Warner Rant Edition, July 3, 2017

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Time Warner can’t stop this Hoddle.

Tottenham Hotspur v Chelsea - FA Cup Semi Final Photo by Clive Rose/Getty Images

Story time with ticked off Jake:

So on Thursday our home internet stopped working. Given that I work from home several days a week this was... sub-optimal.

Where would I go, if I could go, who would I be, if I could be, what would I say, if I had a voice, who says this, saying it's me?

I called Time Warner (here we go) because they provided customer support and maintenance for the small local internet provider we worked with. TWC (I refuse to call them Spectrum) informed me that their contract with said provider had expired, they had sent out letters alerting us to this in April (they didn’t), and that I would have to switch over to TWC for internet service.

Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

I signed up for TWC internet.

Reluctantly.

We now have the privilege of paying $5/month for slower internet. Hooray!

Where I am, I don't know, I'll never know, in the silence you don't know, you must go on, I can't go on, I'll go on.

Unfortunately, my modem did not work with Time Warner even though it had been working for the past nine months ever since we moved and were getting internet through the exact same infrastructure we always had. So I had to get a new modem—cue two hour wait at the local store since all the other customers from the aforementioned provider were in the same spot I was.

So I get home, plug in my modem and... it’s not working.

I call TWC customer support.

To be overly conscious is a sickness.

I spend an hour on the phone with three different reps, none of whom can help me. I make an appointment for a tech to come Saturday afternoon to fix a problem that did not exist 24 hours before.

By Saturday at 12:50 the tech, who was supposed to arrive no later than 1pm, still had not arrived. Customer service, an achievement in euphemism that Big Brother couldn’t best, called to inform me he would be late. I called back to inform them they would discount my internet or I would cancel. They apologized, did nothing to lower my price, and then informed me that apparently the only problem with my internet was an out--of-the-box setting that needed to be switched off. They turned it off. My internet worked.

I want to leave, to go somewhere where I should be really in my place, where I would fit in . . . but my place is nowhere; I am unwanted.

My internet has been working sporadically for the past 48 hours. The soonest a competitor to Time Warner will be in our neighborhood is the summer or fall of 2018.

But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Time Warner Cable.