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Tottenham 1-1 Burnley: player ratings to the theme of Dum Dum flavors

Spurs got sucker-punched on Sunday. So we’ll rank the players to suckers.

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Who doesn’t love a good sucker? (That’s “lolly” to you Brits.) Dum Dums have been a staple of children’s sugar intake in the United States since 1924 and are now essentially part of American popular culture. The name has nothing to do with being stupid, but was just something that the creator I.C. Bahr thought that very young children could say.

These paper-wrapped suckers come in a big bag of mixed flavors that have varied over the years, but there’s usually something for everyone to like. If you’re like me, as a kid you’d fight your friends or siblings for your certain flavors and hoard your favorites like a dragon’s gold. Particularly rare Dum Dums also had a use as a barter currency.

Tottenham Hotspur had a miserable end to what was overall a pretty good performance against Burnley, and while that’s frustrating, perhaps using a sweet, recognizable ratings theme might take the sting out of the match result.

Here are the Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of Dum Dum flavors.

I know, it sounds gross, right? Well, you’re wrong. Cream soda Dum-Dums are a delight: a non-fruit sucker that manages to hit all the right pleasure sections of my brain. It’s funny: I almost never drink cream soda in real life, but as a kid I would plow down my older brother to get one of these.

Hugo Lloris: Hugo came up with some absolutely heroic stops down the stretch, including a terrifying (but ultimately amazing) rush-out tackle on Chris Wood that probably prevented a sure goal. Not at fault for Burnley’s equalizer.

Mousa Dembele: The big story of this match, apart from Spurs’ shambolic defending down the stretch, was how Spurs dominated the midfield over the entire match. A big part of that is due to Dembele, who was amazing yet again with his passing and strength on the ball.

If I’m honest, I’m not a fan of this flavor, but a lot of people are. My problem with it has as much to do with the color as anything else — I have strong feelings about why people seem to find the need to associate the color blue with what is a red (and delicious) fruit. Plus it makes your tongue change color (which, again, might be considered a feature to some). But hey, it’s the #1 ranked Dum Dum flavor on Ranker, and who am I to argue?

Jan Vertonghen: Easily Spurs’ best defender on the day. Had a couple of mazy forward runs and was stout in defense. Happy to continue to see that out of him.

Dele Alli: While Dele looked extremely frustrated against a very stout and organized Burnley defense in the first half, he kept at it and his persistence paid off for his 30th career Tottenham goal. Still don’t feel like he’s hit his top gear yet.

Harry Kane: If this match were on September 3, he would’ve had a brace. Deserved at least one goal, and had a number of chances that normally find the corner of the net. Still super dangerous and workman-like. He’ll be fine. So will Spurs.

Orange isn’t amazing, but it isn’t trash, either. And when you have a bag filled with all sorts of flavors, most of which have been thoroughly picked over by the time you get to them, you know you’ll always be able to find an orange Dum Dum. Orange won’t wow you, but you’ll never be hard-done by. It’s just dependably tasty.

Christian Eriksen: A surprisingly human performance from Christian, who likely found his creative efforts thwarted by a bunkered Burnley defense. Could’ve done better with his scoring chances, too. Still, an average performance is still pretty good.

Toby Alderweireld: Generally solid defensive output from Toby, with a couple of small but noticeable hitches. Maaaaaybe could’ve done better on Burnley’s equalizer, but that’s nit-picky.

Ben Davies: Ben still suffers from Not-Danny-Rose-itis in a match where extra pace up the left side would’ve been a good thing. Pretty good defensively, and had a couple of nice balls that he fizzed in across goal.

Eric Dier: Swapped back and forth between midfield and defense and wasn’t especially great in either location. Surprisingly, I missed Victor Wanyama’s marauding defense in this match. Dier was fine, but not much more than that.

Fake apple flavor is usually gross. From the apple-tini to various green apple candies like Jolly Ranchers, they rarely taste like, y’know, apples and more like slightly more acidic turpentine. Strangely, if the choice comes down to a Sour Apple Dum Dum or no Dum Dum at all... well, I guess I’ll take the Sour Apple.

Moussa Sissoko: Hey guess what — Moussa Sissoko did some good things on Sunday! He ran a lot, had a couple of nice through balls, even tracked back on defense! He also killed several attacks and still has the touch of a marble column, and we’ve set the bar ridiculously low. But his performance was... what’s the phrase I’m looking for? “Pretty good?” “Not abject?”

Son Heung-Min: A disappointing match for Sonny in his first full start. He looked bright for a bit on the left but frequently swapped flanks and never really got into the flow of the match. Looks a bit off the pace too, which makes sense as he’s probably not fully match fit.

For years I would eat one of these and think “what the hell IS that?” Turns out the Mystery Flavor is made when ends of one flavor batch meets the beginning of a new flavor batch, which allows the machines to run continuously without having to stop and clean them. Think of the Mystery Flavor the Russian Roulette of Dum Dums: you might get lucky, but more often than not it’s going to be something you REALLY hate.

Kieran Trippier: Ponderous on the ball, absent in defense. Trippier was awful even by Kieran Trippier standards. The number of times he ignored his man and got caught too high up the pitch in this match... ugh. I mean, even MOUSSA SISSOKO made a gut-busting run to get back and make a defensive play to cover Trippier’s ass. Directly responsible for Burnley’s equalizer. He is the Ryan Mason of fullbacks. Play Kyle Walker-Peters.

Opinion is so sharply divided on Root Beer that roughly half of Dum-Dum eaters rank it first and the other half last. Well, come at me. This, Butterscotch, and Cotton Candy were the only three Dum-Dums as a kid I would ever try and give away. Usually nobody wanted them, except that weird kid in homeroom. Traaaaaaaash.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Root Beer Dum-Dums.

Harry Winks, Davinson Sanchez