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Everton 0-3 Tottenham Hotspur: player ratings to the theme of fictional captains

Captains hold a special place in our pop culture. Here are a few of the best (and worst) of the bunch.

Actor Patrick Stewart Visits London
Make it so!
Photo by Sion Touhig/Getty Images

A three-nil win at Goodison Park! That’s a pretty fantastic result for Tottenham Hotspur, both in that they got the three points and also the way that they dominated the Toffees pretty much from the opening kick.

It certainly makes ranking the players a lot more fun when you can talk about positive performances from people like Moussa Sissoko. With that in mind, I chose a particularly fun theme that I’ve had in my back pocket for a while. Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of fictional captains.

Now granted I’ve only ever read “Master and Commander” but Is there a more bad-ass sea captain in fiction than Jack Aubrey? An exceptional leader, plus well versed in mathematics, and music, the exploits of “Lucky Jack” in the Aubrey-Maturin series of novels are wonderful reading. Aubrey is a flawed human, but one unparalleled on the Napoleonic high seas. A captain’s captain.

Harry Kane: Thank God August is over. Kane was back to his usual self in his first Premier League match in September, scoring a brace that probably could’ve easily been 3 or 4 goals on another day. Mark my words, he’s going to score 30 this season.

Christian Eriksen: At this point I’m not sure I can put into words just how good this guy is without continually repeating myself. He controlled the match and should’ve had two goals on the day. We’re lucky to have him.

Jan Vertonghen: Hands down Spurs’ best defender on the day, and that’s saying something. He barely put a foot wrong the entire match. Simply outstanding.

Piss off, Kirk. Sisko may have him beat in pure bad-assery, but Jean-Luc Picard is the best Star Trek captain of all time simply because of his excellent melding of bravado, philosophy, and empathy. Picard thinks through problems, isn’t afraid to ask his support staff for help, and especially in later seasons shows an openness to new ideas, but maintains a core of steel. He even eventually learns to like children!

Ben Davies: An outstanding performance from our left back. Against Everton, he was able to fizz a number of good balls into the box (including an assist), and was a capable defender as well. His lack of pace scares me against Dortmund, and he won’t always be this good, but he was excellent on Saturday.

Captain Planet as a cartoon is cheesy has hell. It’s also awesome and I will hear no contrary opinions. That cartoon had one of the best Saturday morning cartoon theme songs of all time, and his message was dope and one that I wish we all took to heart more. Plus he totally rocked that green mullet. Name me another captain on this list that could do that. BY YOUR POWERS COMBINED!

Davinson Sanchez: That was a pretty exceptional debut. Far from looking out of his depth, Sanchez was composed with the ball at his feet and was a solid anchor in a back three. He looked great out there, and will continue to get better as he learns to work with his all-ex-Ajax defensive teammates. That assuaged a lot of my fears that he is a project.

Toby Alderweireld: It’s not that Toby was bad on Saturday. He wasn’t — at all. But he had that one derpy yellow card, his second of the season, as many as he had all of last year, and he looks like he’s distracted by something. (Memo to Daniel Levy: pay the man his money.)

Moussa Sissoko: I’ve given Sissoko (rightfully) a lot of crap since he signed. Well, he was great on Saturday in his first stint as a central midfielder. Yes, he mistimed a few runs from deep and his first touch is still pretty awful, but give the man some credit: that was easily his best performance in a Tottenham shirt since that match against Man City last year. If he can do that consistently, then I will be extremely happy. If.

Admit it, we all pretty much loved him. Name me one child of the ‘80s who didn’t, at some point, run around his/her back yard holding a stick yelling CAPTAIN... CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVEMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! You can’t.

Hugo Lloris: He didn’t do much, and was only forced into one save all match. Which, y’know, is great! But the other thing we remember about his performance in this match is that horrible hospital ball straight to Idrissa Gueye’s feet. Hugo, what’s going on?

Eric Dier: Stayed mostly deep, wrecked things in midfield, should’ve picked up a yellow card early but didn’t. That’s exactly what you want the deeper of your two midfielders to do in a Pochettino system. He’s also a delightful s—thead and I love him to death.

His cereal is tasty. He is colorful, and charismatic, and looks like he probably runs a really awesome ship. And when you finally get to eat his product... crunchmouth. Why do you do this, Captain Crunch? Why won’t you let us love you?

Kieran Trippier: He was fine and didn’t really screw anything up, which is a nice change from the previous two matches. Long may it continue.

Dele Alli: Dele still hasn’t really gotten on track this season. Part of it has to do with Premier League opponents trying to foul him at every opportunity, but I also think part of it is mental. He just hasn’t clicked into form yet. Not worried... it’s not like he’s been poor.

Mousa Dembele: Was a mid-second half substitute and didn’t really do much of note. Presumably he’s saving it all for a dominating performance against Dortmund on Wednesday.

Captain Morgan rum is... ok, I guess, though it’s probably the most basic choice you can make if you’re buying rum. However, I strongly object to its marketing to frat bros and other dips—ts as basically a means of getting people (and especially women) drunk off their asses. Also, there isn’t a pirate captain in history that dressed like that. I guess the one thing you can say about Captain Morgan is that it CAN kick your ass.

Everyone did better than Captain Morgan. Whew!

Captain and Tennille, the husband-and-wife musical duo, had their biggest hit in 1975 with “Love Will Keep Us Together.” They divorced in 2014. So much for that.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Captain and Tennille.

Harry Winks, Son Heung-Min