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The Hoddle of Coffee: Tottenham Hotspur News and Links for Monday, January 15

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We must address the important topic of footballers in movies.

2018 EPL Premier League Football Tottenham Hotspur v Everton Jan 13th Photo by Shaun Brooks/Action Plus via Getty Images

Hey, Hoddlers!

Harry Kane can’t stop breaking records and the Australian Open is back! (I realize only some of you may care about this, but I just had to share my excitement, even though Venus Williams is already out.)

Anyway, it’s time for another movie themed ramble.

Ramble of the Day

Yesterday, I allocated approximately ten to fifteen minutes to watch the beginning of xXx: Return of Xander Cage, now that it’s on Hulu. Why, you may ask? You may remember that this is the film Neymar had a small cameo in last year.

I will summarize the whole thing for you nice people. The film opens with Samuel L. Jackson at a restaurant talking about the Triple-X (perhaps xXx — not sure) program in front of the kitchen, and guess who he’s explaining it to? That’s right, the world’s more expensive player, Neymar!

After about a minute, perhaps less, Neymar and Jackson make their way to a table, and a card comes up with information about the now-Paris Saint Germain man. They obviously mention his profession and the fact that he “thought he was being recruited by the Avengers.” (The film clearly does not take itself that seriously.) Neymar then delivers standard lines about how he’s “not a hero,” he’s “just a footballer” in his native Portuguese.

Then he and Jackson ended up near the entrance of the restaurant, just when a man trying to rob them shows up. Neymar uses his famous skills by using a napkin dispenser and kicking it at the guy’s head, leading Jackson to say something like, “you can be a hero!” Then a satellite hits the restaurant and they die. That’s it. The end.

That may have sounded exciting, but it was the most underwhelming three minutes of a footballer in a film ever. I enjoyed David Beckham’s cameo in King Arthur: Legend of the Sword even though I only watched the YouTube clip Warner Bros. released. (I laughed at it, if I am being honest.) Neymar’s napkin dispenser moment lacked drama and excitement, and he did not even get to show if he can act with a proper death scene. Nothing to enjoy — and certainly nothing to laugh at because it was so bad. (Sorry, Beckham.)

It was probably seven minutes better spent elsewhere.

Anyway, let’s get to those links.

Links of the Day

Wales are set to hand Ryan Giggs his first job as a manager.

RB Leipzig say Naby Keita will not leave the club in January.

In other managerial news, Malaga have fired manager Michel after four consecutive losses.

A referee kicked Nantes defender Diego Carlos before sending him off in the team’s 1-0 defeat to PSG this weekend.

Borussia Dortmund has suspended Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang for the second time in two months.

The Guardian’s weekly selection of the 12 best Premier League photos. Son Heung-Min made the cut.