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Tottenham Hotspur vs. Everton: player ratings to the theme of Little Debbie treats

Snack food is mostly bad, but Spurs were very, very good.

Walmart shelves selling junk food. Photo by: Jeffrey Greenberg/UIG via Getty Images

Yay, another big win! Tottenham Hotspur rolled out to a 4-0 home win over Everton on Saturday, taking what had the potential to be a tricky tie against a revamped opponent and basically saying “psyche, lol” before stepping on their necks.

This was a fun match to watch. Towards the end it was the equivalent of eating junk food — it was gluttonous, delicious, and made you feel just a bit guilty by the end. So for today’s theme, we’re ranking the Totteham players to the theme of junk food — specifically, Little Debbie brand snack cakes.

With apologies to our British readers and those from other parts of the world who might not be familiar with this particular brand of processed food dessert items — these are the kinds of snack cakes that you can find easily in convenience stores and at gas/petrol stations. They come individually wrapped, are way too expensive for their quality, and guaranteed to shorten your life span.

They are both terrible and the best. Much like Tottenham! So without further ado...

Bow down to the king. Crispy, crunchy, chewy, and covered in chocolate (okay, “chocolate”), Star Crunch are the pinnacle of Little Debbie snack bakery. If they’re even baked, I’m not even sure. But I know they’re really good and I’m considering leaving work early to go pick up a box. Or three.

Son Heung-Min: Kane might have gotten two goals (to Sonny’s one), but Son was quite clearly the best player on the pitch at Wembley on Saturday. He was everywhere, popping up both as an attacker and in a creative support role. Smacked the post to go along with his goal and assist, and absolutely murdered Jonjoe Kenny with a turn-and-burn for Spurs’ second. I think it was his best ever game for Tottenham, and he is un-droppable now.

Harry Kane: Had a quiet opening part of the match but came alive in the second half. His goals were clinical, but what really impressed me was his passing and ability to bring others into the game.

Mousa Dembele: In a season where we’re all quietly wondering if this might be close to the end for Dembele in a Tottenham shirt, he quickly reminded us just what he’s capable of when healthy and given a little room to move in midfield. Simply outstanding.

I waffled a long, long time between Fudge Rounds and Oatmeal Creme Pies, both of which are basically variations on a chewy cookie and creme theme. While the oatmeal gives a (slight) textural element in the mouth, in the end I gave the nod to Fudge Rounds because all else being equal, chocolate >> no chocolate.

Christian Eriksen: His goal came from a masterful bit of team play, but that was also a hell of a strike. He’s playing with confidence and joie de vivre at the moment, and long may it continue. At Tottenham. And nowhere else.

Serge Aurier: Had acres of space to work with on the right flank and put in one of his best performances in a Tottenham shirt. His tendency towards dumb errors is mitigated when he has that much time to think. His decision to cross to Son for an easy instead of shoot from a bad angle was one example of this. He was great on Saturday, and it seems like he’s jumped ahead of Kieran Trippier in the pecking order.

The chocolate is crap, but the combination of overly sweetened peanut butter and crispy wafer is a celebration in your mouth, if the “celebration” involves eventual treatment for diabetes. No, but seriously, try them fresh out of the freezer. You’ll thank me later.

Dele Alli: His finishing let him down a bit on Saturday, but was still a critical part of Tottenham’s offense against Everton. That backheel flick to Kane... oh my! *fans self*

Janvinson Sanchtonghen: Everton were completely anemic in attack, but that’s in part due to the defensive solidity of Vertonghen and Sanchez. Apart from an offside Rooney heading the ball into the net, neither defender ever really let the Toffees get anything going.

Eric Dier: Sometimes a good performance just means doing your job and not trying anything too fancy, and that’s just what Dier did. Except he did a fancy thing too when he put in a nice cross that led to a goal. In conclusion, Dier is awesome. Eat more artichoke.

There are lots of cakes that could’ve gone here — Cosmic Cupcakes, Cocoa Creams, Devil Squares — but I went with the non-chocolate version because... well, IDK, they all taste pretty much like a cocktail of industrial chemicals, and these look cooler.

Hugo Lloris: Didn’t have to make a save all game, barely touched the ball. The only time he was beaten was Rooney, and it was offside. Job done.

Ben Davies: I will be accused of being harsh on Ben here, but I wasn’t all that impressed with his game, after watching him get beat a couple of times on defense in the first half. Didn’t get forward as much as I expected, either. He got better in the second half, and it’s not that he was poor — just something I noticed.

These cakes have their devotees. I’m not sure why, because they’re trash. The “chocolate” flakes away too easily, the cake is dry as the Mojave, and the ratio of cake to filling is way, way off. Plus, they’re tiny, so even if you liked them they end up being a bad value. Hard pass.

No Tottenham players had a bad game, so this category is superfluous.

Nothing says “re-evaluate your life choices” like biting into an artificially banana flavored block of polystyrene foam. These should not exist.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Little Debbie Banana Twins snack cakes.

Victor Wanyama, Erik Lamela, Moussa Sissoko (he was fine)