Christmas is coming, Tottenham Hotspur fans! That means a lot of games to watch. That also means a crazy stretch with only 2-3 days max between games, which is somewhat terrifying considering the spate of injuries at Spurs right now.
But never mind that, we won a game against Burnley! Sure, it took us 90 minutes to do it, but three points are three points and we were playing almost literally a child in midfield. So take those points and run.
Staying with the holiday themes for now, here are your player ratings for the win over Burnley to the theme of Christmas tree decorations. And yes, as always, we have TAKES.
5 stars: Harry Kane’s Golden Boot tree topper
There are lots of really good things you could put on the top of your Christmas tree: stars, angels, your child’s papier-mâché... thing they made in school. Conversely, if you’re Harry Kane there’s only one thing you SHOULD put on top of your Christmas tree: your World Cup golden boot trophy.
Christian Eriksen: He came in late, changed the way Spurs played, and won the game. Of course he’s getting five stars.
Toben Aldaviesweirled: Look, Burnely got almost nothing going offensively. Part of that was because they suck, but the other part of it was due to the defensive solidity of Toby Alderweireld and Ben Davies. Special shout-out to Davies, playing as an emergency center back and doing pretty spectacularly well.
4 stars: Colored, twinkling lights
Traditional, yes. But there’s a reason for that: they’re pretty and classy as hell. Note that I’m differentiating between twinkling lights and the ones with the gazillion programmable strobe settings that induce seizures. Don’t use those.
Erik Lamela: Had seven shots against Burnley. Seven! He’d be higher if he’d manage to actually convert one of them, but that’s still a pretty good performance.
Danny Rose: The second straight good match for Danny after finally coming back to the team. Dribbled well, looked good going forward, never let Burnley’s attackers do much down his flank.
Harry Kane: Should’ve earned a penalty after getting hauled down in the box, and had the presence of mind to lay off to Eriksen for the winning goal. He does so much more than shoot, and it’s lovely.
3.5 stars: Candy canes
They look really classy and pretty on the tree, and the best part is you get to pluck one off and eat it whenever you damn well feel like it.
Dele Alli: An excellent facilitator. Had Spurs finished better, he might have ended up with a couple of assists but otherwise a very respectable, if not exceptional, match for Dele.
Fernando Llorente: Came in to do a job at the end and used his height, hold-up ability, and giant, handsome noggin to help set up the winning goal.
3 stars: Colored glass baubles
If you don’t know what to put on your tree, stick with the colored glass baubles in various sizes, They’re fun, classic, and look really, really nice. They’re also not very creative, but that’s okay too. Just don’t drop one.
Oliver Skipp: Skippy was perfectly acceptable in midfield playing alongside Moussa Sissoko in his first Premier League start while still being 18. And that is not a criticism: we should not expect youth prospects who are making their first league start to do any better than what Skipp did. It certainly helped that Burnley decided to not put any pressure on him at all the entire match.
Moussa Sissoko: He was fine.
Kieran Trippier: He was also fine.
2.5 stars: Fake snow/icicles
People actually like these things. I have no idea why. They are garish, don’t look anything close to the real thing, and might give you cancer if you accidentally ingest some of it. Plus you’ll be sweeping that shit up off the floors in June.
Hugo Lloris: Didn’t have much to do, except apparently nearly gift Burnley a goal with a terrible distribution. Ugh, Hugo.
Lucas Moura: Nearly got the opening goal with his boot in the first few minutes, that was more or less the extent of his contributions the entire match. Hooked early. Maybe not a player you throw on against a team parking the bus.
2 stars: White lights
I will get angry comments about this. White lights are boring. Colored lights are superior in almost every application except in specific color themed combinations. See, for example: Harry Kane’s Christmas tree at the top of the page. White and gold are a good combination, but if you’re just throwing white lights on a green tree, you’re a monster.
No players here, I’m just throwing this category in for the trolling.
1 star: Tinsel
No one who actually and unironically likes tinsel on their Christmas tree has ever had to pick a string of tinsel out of a cat’s butt. Tinsel is trash.
No Tottenham Hotspur players are as bad as tinsel on a Christmas tree.
Tom “Christmas” Carroll Memorial Non-Rating