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Everton 2-6 Tottenham: Player ratings to the theme of Christmas candy

Merry Christmas! Don’t eat those things in Grandma’s candy dish.

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Berlin Christmas Markets Open To The Public Photo by Sean Gallup/Getty Images

Merry Christmas, everyone! IDK about the rest of you but I’m still buzzing over that 6-2 win over Everton. That was a match in which I expected to drop points. Tottenham continue to confound me with actually being good, despite all evidence to the contrary.

For today’s theme, we’re going back to the Christmas well, and why not? It is (at the time of writing here in the midwestern United States) Christmas Eve, so before you open your presents, explodify crackers, and mince your pies or whatever it is you Brits do at Christmas, let’s first take a look at the Spurs player ratings to the theme of Christmas candy.

And since I may not get another chance to say it, happy holidays to each and every one of you, and thanks for reading this ridiculous Tottenham Hotspur blog.

5 stars: Rum balls

Every winter our family makes a seasonal trip to the next city to visit the local German import store to purchase two things: a wedge of this incredible soft New York cheddar cheese, and a huge-ass bag of rum balls. Oh, candy of the gods! Chocolate covered, but when you bite into them they release an explosion of ambrosia — actually sugared rum cordial. I’m the only one in my family who likes them, which is fine because more for me.

I mean, duh. Who doesn’t like these things? Okay, people who don’t like mint. But they have other flavors, too. They also make great decorations and

Son Heung-Min: There’s no question who put in the Man of the Match performance. It’s Sonny, who with two goals and an assist is not only hitting his stride, he’s turned himself into quite possibly Spurs’ best attacker. And that’s in a team that includes Harry Kane.

Harry Kane: Two well taken goals — a poacher’s strike after Trippier’s free kick caromed off the post, and another in the second half. Nearly had another one but his chipped ball early in the first half was wide. My Christmas gift is watching Harry Kane play.

Dele Alli: Spurs have never lost a match when Dele Alli scores, and he was excellent again at Goodison Park before Jordan Pickford injured his hamstring. Hopefully he’s okay, because Spurs are much better when he’s on the pitch.

Christian Eriksen: On a day that all of DESK scored, I feel compelled to give all of them five stars. Eriksen’s passing was exceptional all game and his goal at the start of the second half was exquisite.

4 stars: Mint M&Ms

You know which relatives are the GOOD relatives because they’re the ones that have a huge bowl of the red and green mint-flavored M&Ms on the end table for when you come over to visit them during the holidays. I can’t stay out of these — if I’m near them I will eat these little bastards by the fistful. You can bake with them too, but bags never actually make it to the oven in my house.

Erik Lamela: A lovely pass to Son to set up Sonny’s second goal of the match. Expect him to start Boxing Day vs. Bournemouth. He’s playing very well now, and only second fiddle because Son has been amazing.

Toby Alderweireld: You can be picky and say he could’ve done more to keep out Sigurdsson’s second half goal, but otherwise he had a solid defensive outing.

Moussa Sissoko: Tottenham’s tactical gameplan was essentially “LOL what’s a midfield” but Sissoko was strong with the ball and even passed pretty well, especially in the buildup to Spurs’ second.

3.5 stars: King Leo soft peppermint candy sticks

OK, so these are basically candy canes, right? And candy canes are great. But these are thicker, softer, and without the curl. They’re also better than candy canes because they have a toothsome bite to them that won’t shatter your teeth, and you can actually enjoy the peppermint flavor without your hands getting all sticky from sucking on super thin candy canes.

Davinson Sanchez: Looked a little rusty in his first match back from injury. Did an excellent job falling over from Dominic Calvert-Lewin’s shoves on Everton counterattacks — one led to a goal being called back and another led to a yellow card on Calvert-Lewin.

Kieran Trippier: Had some trouble containing Richarlison in the first half, but Richarlison is a handful. Pretty good going forward, and that free kick he plonked off the post was a good strike.

3 stars: Any candies that are basically the same thing as non-Christmas candies, just in “holiday shapes” and colors

Look, there’s a lot of great candy out there. I love Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups but I don’t need ‘em in the shape of f—kin’ jingle bells or whatever. Christmas is a time for candy that actually tastes like Christmas, not to repackage what you sell all year round and pass it off as “holiday.” I’m lookin’ at you, Reindeer Corn.

Hugo Lloris: Couldn’t really do anything about either of Everton’s goals and had little do do otherwise.

Ben Davies: Struggled with Theo Walcott in the first half, but we sort of expect that from him by now, don’t we? Improved in the second half.

2.5 stars: Gumdrops

Gumdrops SHOULD be good, but they’re not, especially the “spice drops” that have weird flavors that don’t match up to the colors. Seriously, who puts “clove” as a gumdrop flavor, and why is it friggin’ orange? It ain’t right.

Harry Winks: Was under very little pressure in midfield and consequently was very good with his passing, but most of that was sideways and backwards with very little progressive balls. And still managed to get lost on defense frequently. I almost hate to say it but I’d rather see Oliver Skipp in there at this point.

2 stars: Those random hard candies you find in your Grandma’s dish at Christmas time with the weird colors

These are the candies you buy when you can’t afford to buy REAL Christmas candy. Overly sweet and impossibly hard, they taste like absolutely nothing and result in nothing but disappointment and tooth decay. Get them near any heat source for any length of time and they stick together forming a single mass with the hardness of diamond. Avoid.

No Spurs players in this category.

1 star: Christmas Tree Nougat candies

You know what they are — they’re those impossibly sticky candies with the green tree looking thing in the middle that she no doubt bought at Publix for like $2.99 and that tastes like spackling paste with a hint of mint. No, they will NEVER come fully out of your teeth and are risks to pull out your fillings. They’re like poker chips for seasonal depression.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Christmas Tree Nougat candies.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating

Lucas Moura, Oliver Skipp