Bournemouth 1-4 Tottenham: Player ratings to the theme of current Spurs player songs

Hey, another league win! Tottenham Hotspur didn’t exactly play well at the Vitality Stadium, but got three second half goals en route to a 4-1 win over Bournemouth. The result is probably flattering to Spurs, but thanks to Liverpool’s loss this week it got Spurs up to third in the table.

The other thing we got after the Bournemouth match was the debut of a new Tottenham player terrace song! The repurposing of the 1970s-era “Nice One Cyril” for Son Heung-Min was both appropriate and touching. Sonny said in a post-match interview that he loved it. The song hasn’t been used in what feels like forever, and even though it’s basically “Goodnight Ladies” I think it has the makings of an instant classic.

This got me thinking: we haven’t yet ranked the players to Tottenham player chants, and this seems like as good a time as any to do it. In order to put some constraints on it, for the sake of this article I’m limiting it to current players only.

Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of current Spurs player terrace chants.

---

Yes, this is a template song. You’ll find variations of this tune at a lot of different grounds. But this is Tottenham, and this is Harry Kane. It’s singable, it’s easy, and it’s a perfect encapsulation of how Spurs fans feel about their homegrown wonder-striker. He’s one of our own.

Son Heung-Min: Normally this space is reserved for Harry Kane, but Sonny has made the five-star rating his own the past few matches. While Kane had been on a scoring slump even before his injury, Sonny has more than picked up the slack. He had two goals (one nice, one shinned into the net) and his one-on-one play has improved dramatically. Let’s have another one!

---

If this is a repurposed song, I don’t know what the original is. It gets knocked down some for referencing a rival player (something I’m not fond of, see below) but the lyrics work, it’s clever, and it’s a hell of a lot of fun to sing. But when did “Came to play for AVB” turn into “He’s a Yid like you and me”?

Hugo Lloris: Was rooted for both of Junior Stanlislas’ chances, but had a couple of nice stops, and marshaled his area well.

Christian Eriksen: His lovely defense-splitting through ball set up Sonny’s second goal, and he continued to work hard to bring others into the action.

Dele Alli: His second straight strong match, though his press was off, possibly due to fatigue. Had an assist and played well.

---

Never in my life did I think that I would actually both enjoy and willingly sing along to the White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army.” But I have, and I do. Simple, repeatable, and most notably — in a minor key! A terrace chant! It’s wonderful.

Erik Lamela: The surprise substitute for Harry Kane after his injury, and for the most part it worked well as he slotted into the position formerly occupied by Son. Not as effective on the offensive end but was pressed well and was a nice conduit in midfield.

Kieran Trippier: Was a late substitute for Danny Rose (moving Aurier to the left) and looked bright. Had an assist and looked comfortable.

---

Yeah, I know. I know! But look, this is really clever and I wish Sissoko was worthy of it.

Victor Wanyama: Had a decent shift filling in at DM for the injured Eric Dier. I don’t think DM in a 4-2-3-1 is best use of his unique skill set, but he was effective enough running around breaking up attacks.

Jan Vertonghen: The entire back line struggled at times in this match, Vertonghen included. I’d still say he was the best of the bunch.

Serge Aurier: Bear with me, because this is a weird one. Serge was a bit brain-dead defensively against Bournemouth and made a couple of boneheaded mistakes. His crossing wasn’t that great either... until it was. He had an assist and a goal thanks to a demoralized Bournemouth defense and good positioning. I wanted to scream at him and hug him at the same time. Three stars seems fair.

Mousa Dembele: Only attempted 62 passes in this game, completing 59 of them. That’s a good return, but it’s about half of the passes he attempted against Huddersfield. Spurs did a poor job in the center of midfield, to the point where they started bypassing it. Dembele did... okay, but it was distinctively un-Moose-ish.

---

Unpopular opinion alert! I’m not a huge fan of Dele’s song. Firstly it references another player in the chant, which I’m not a huge fan of. Secondly, it’s a Billy Ray Cyrus song, and Billy Ray Cyrus is bad. Finally, the final line (“We’ve got Dele Alli”) completely screws up the rhyming nature of the previous four lines. It should rhyme with “understand.” It’s like whoever wrote this got all the way through to nearly the end, hit a creative wall, and just said f—k it. Sorry, Dele. (Please direct all hate-tweets to @skipjack0079)

Davinson Sanchez: While he undoubtedly improved in the second half, Sanchez looked scary versus Bournemouth’s transition attack, especially in one on one situations. His pace bailed him out of a couple of situations, and was out of position on the early Junior Stanislas chance that he caromed off the bar.

---

I’m as big a fan of “Pomp & Circumstance” as the next guy (I was a big “Macho Man” Randy Savage fan as a kid), but this doesn’t feel like a good fit for Eric, and the lyrics assume a lot, to be honest. “I love Eric Dier, Eric Dier loves me” — does he? Does he really? Are you sure? And have you asked Dele about it, m8?

Danny Rose: A bad day for Danny. His crosses were pretty awful, and he looked completely out of sorts on the left flank. Former Spurs trainee Adam Smith blew past him on a number of occasions. Can I have 2015-16 Danny Rose back? I want that guy back.

---

“Jan Jan Jan Jan... Jan Jan Jan Jan... JAN JAN JAN VERTONGHEN TOBY... Toby Toby...” I’m of the opinion that each player deserves their own chant. This one is rhythmically catchy, but it just feels... cheap. Janby Alderweirtonghen aside, these are individual people with their own thoughts and feelings, you can’t just lump them together like this.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as the Jan/Toby chant.

---

For the honorable mention: a Victor Wanyama song? Featuring spaghetti? Set to “La Bamba”? Yes. I have never heard this coming from the terraces, but boy oh boy I think it should be sung there.

Harry Kane, Moussa Sissoko (he was fine)