The Hoddle of Coffee: Tottenham Hotspur News and Links for Tuesday, March 6

Hi, all!

Let’s return to the world of Tottenham players’ Instagram stories.

Ramble of the Day

We must all face it: most of these Instagram stories are about Uno, and Moussa Sissoko’s latest 24 hour entry is no different. I have done the very difficult task of taking screenshots of said Instagram story so we can analyze them to their core. Shall we?

Let’s begin with the fact that Sissoko’s Instagram story is, thankfully, not a poorly coordinated boomerang that exists for the sake of being a boomerang. It is actually a well directed video, with clear shots of the words and clean transitions to the next set of information. Now, for the actual content:

• It is smart of him to include the rules of the tournament in the video for the audience to see.
• Seeing as the format is best two out of three, I am convinced this was designed to extend the length of the tournament.
• They chose to include goal difference, but did not explain how goal difference works in a card game in which the word “goal” is not part of the instructions.
• I wonder who’s handwriting that is.

It has been revealed that this is in the traditional football tournament format, which includes the necessary group stage. Sissoko and Christian Eriksen advance out of Group 1, and Son Heung-Min and Ben Davies do so from Group 3. Let’s break it down:

• Sissoko is clearly very good at Uno.
• I am a bit surprised that Jan Vertonghen is bad at Uno (he did not do well in the last Uno tournament). I suppose he’s only good at beating toddlers.
• Vertonghen’s teammates clearly adore him.
• Why are they calling Davies “Ben D?” There are not any other Bens on the squad.
• The tournament’s name is the Ivory Coast Open, presumably named after Serge Aurier’s home nation. That’s not how you name tournaments, though, as evidence by all of the Opens in tennis and golf that are named after their geographic location, not the origins of people hosting it or participating in it.

Now, for the final photo. There is quite a lot to look at from Groups 2 and 4. Before I dive right in, I have done the proper investigating to figure out that the second name in Group 4 is Victor Wanyama.

• Perhaps the most pressing question of all: Who is Cheat 3? Is that implying that there are two other cheats that did not make it into the tournament?
• What did Dele Alli do to be disqualified?
• Similarly to the Davies question, why is Danny Rose “Danny R?”
• Group 4 looks incredibly tight. From what I can gather, it seems that Wanyama, Rose, and Harry Winks are all tied with three points and a +1 goal difference. Who advanced out of the group?

Sissoko also failed to mention who won the whole tournament, which is a shame. We are only left with more questions.

Links of the Day

Pep Guardiola has accepted the FA charge for wearing the yellow ribbon in support of imprisoned Catalan politicians.

The Attorney General of Ohio and the City of Columbus are suing Precourt Sporting Ventures and MLS in an attempt to keep the Columbus Crew in Columbus.

Today’s long watch: on BT Sport, Jermaine Jenas opened up about what he did not achieve as a player