Player ratings are a bit late this week, apologies. But after spending 28 hours at a high school pool from Friday through Sunday, I was only able to fully watch Tottenham Hotspur’s match against Huddersfield last night. My verdict: Spurs are good.
The theme this week is one I’ve been sitting on for a while, and it’s one inspired by these tweets.
maybe everyone should be more concerned with the vampire who lives there pic.twitter.com/7MGkUqOpRG— DMW! (@damnyouwillis) February 13, 2018
I am 37 years old. I grew up with Sesame Street. It has NEVER occurred to me that a MUPPET VAMPIRE needs MUPPET BLOOD TO LIVE https://t.co/OZL0XYGaC5— Guillermo El Topo (@jephjacques) February 13, 2018
I’m in the same boat. Count Von Count is a Muppet vampire and all I can think about are those plush Muppety fangs and how they seem designed to sink into Muppet flesh.
Once down that rabbit hole, I remembered that there have been Muppets that have mysteriously and conveniently disappeared over the course of Sesame Street’s nearly 50 year history. Poof — gone, without a trace. Nobody talks about them. They avert their Muppet eyes when their names are mentioned.
Now, I’m not saying that Count Von Count has anything to do with this rash of Sesame Street disappearances. He appears to be a friendly purple guy with a funny accent who counts things (like his victims ZOMG?!?!?!?!?!?111) and can seemingly control the weather. I’m only saying there’s a freakin’ vampire on Sesame Street and I’m just asking questions.
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of Muppets who have suddenly disappeared from Sesame Street with no real explanation. I want to believe.
With thanks to CFC user Snoho who alerted me to the above tweets. Your favorite Muppet will be killed last.
Remember Roosevelt? Back in the ‘70s he was the jive-talking, purple-hued “ethnic” Muppet kid with the shock of black hair. He loved to rhyme, sang the blues, had a distinct accent, and was kind of rowdy. He also came under some criticism from parents who thought that his character was too stereotypical of African-Americans (which is ironic considering he was voiced by the first actor who played Gordon). One day, Roosevelt just... vanished from the show, though his image continued to show up in Sesame Street books and literature for decades afterwards. A smokescreen? A distraction to cover up that his desiccated Muppet corpse currently resides in a trophy case in Castle Von Count?
Son Heung-Min: Sublime. That’s really the only way to describe Sonny’s match vs. Huddersfield. With the Terriers trying the high press, that left acres of space for Sonny to exploit, and he torched them repeatedly. He had seven successful take-ons in this match, and both of his goals were magnificent. Dare I say that’s his best-ever match in a Tottenham shirt?
Janvinson Sanchtonghen: Huddersfield never got anything going offensively, and that’s down to Jan Vertonghen and Davinson Sanchez, who were outstanding at the back, cutting out and negating anything that looked even remotely like it might be a scoring opportunity. They played with intent and a familiarity that is reassuring considering the continuing absence of Toby Alderweireld in this side. Jan also had a nice headed goal that was called back for offside.
The Muppet archetype of the tortured musician, Don Music was a failed songwriter who was frequently depicted not getting nursery rhyme lyrics correct and banging his head on the piano in frustration. I loved Don Music as a child and frequently banged my head against the piano in imitation. It’s no wonder that parents looked a little askew at his behavior. His disappearance raised no eyebrows, as I’m sure most on Sesame Street probably thought he had simply vanished in a puff of artistic ennui. The perfect cover story.
Harry Kane: Kane did absolutely everything in this match except score. His movement was stellar, his work rate outstanding, his passing impressive. That assist for Son’s second might be a candidate for assist of the season. And yet, he missed a number of shots that normally he buries. Some of those were good saves from Lössl, others were ones he just mishit. I can’t quite justify giving him five stars, but he came darned close.
“Psst. Hey bud, ya wanna buy a letter O? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.” It’s only after I have grown up that I realize that Sesame Street had its own version of shady drug dealers and pimps personified by Lefty the Salesman, who existed to sell letters and numbers to the always-gullible Ernie. His disappearance from the show makes sense in the context that creatures of the night are most comfortable with and find the easiest prey in the grimy shadows of the back alleyways of Muppet society.
Christian Eriksen: This was a match of “almost” for Christian -- he smacked the post and had a couple of nifty moves and passes that nearly went off to spectacular effect. He looked frustrated at times, which is surprising considering that he had a really nice match overall.
Dele Alli: Dele hasn’t scored for a while, but he’s starting to make up for his lack of goals with improved performances in other areas. I though he was very involved in the attack on Saturday, grabbing an assist for Son’s first goal and working hard in the first half.
Eric Dier: Just another workmanlike, solid defensive game from Dier. His passing was very good throughout, and his ability to drop deep and disrupt Huddersfield’s attacks were a big reason why they barely got anything going. He also kept Alex Pritchard in check early before Pritch picked up a knock.
Is it any wonder “The World’s Greatest Detective” suddenly disappeared from the show despite routinely helping solve mysteries like the Case of the Half-Eaten Sandwich and the Case of the Broken Window? Clearly Hemlock’s investigations got him too close to something big. That’s one! One bloody deerstalker hat! Ah-ah-ah! *thunder*
Ben Davies: If I’m going to quibble, I can say that Ben still looks a little flat-footed on defense, but he had one impressive tackle in the second half, his passing was good, and he looked fine going forward. He had a nice game.
Mousa Dembele: Moose got swarmed a little at the very beginning of the match, but shook it off quickly and dominated midfield for the remainder. It wasn’t a dominant performance from Dembele, but he still completed 92/99 passes
Serge Aurier: Serge still has that quality of looking like he’s liable either to haul off on a terrorizing forward run with the ball at his feet or pass directly to an opposition striker. He was good in this match, though, and mostly cut out the dumb errors. And no foul throws!
Did you ever wonder how Oscar the Grouch was able to get around Sesame Street when he lived in a trash can? Well, for a number of years he was carried around by Bruno the Trashman, who I can only imagine was a mute stooge happily paid by Oscar in, IDK, banana peels or something. After Bruno “left Oscar’s employ,” Oscar started walking on his own power, with legs coming through the bottom of his trash can. Bruno’s a pretty big dude, so I’m inclined to think that his disappearance might have more to do with a Grouch-related mob hit and less with the supernatural. Are there gambling debts in Sesame Street? Did Bruno see too much?
Hugo Lloris: Another day, another match where Hugo didn’t have to do much. He did have a couple of decent stops, though nothing that would trouble him too much.
Erik Lamela: Came in as a late substitute for Son Heung-Min and provided a fresh influx of energy as Spurs took their foot off the gas late in the game. Wasn’t exactly outstanding, but he wasn’t actively hurting Spurs out there. Whatever.
An opera singing flamingo, he was Sesame Street’s answer to Placido Domingo, and even appeared with the singer on the show. He was “retired” in 1992. Was there Thanksgiving dinner at Castle Von Count that year?
In a testament to how emphatic a performance this was, there were no Spurs players that were even this bad against Huddersfield.
Big Bird may be a child in a gigantic avian body, but Sesame Street thought he needed a tiny buddy early in the series. Enter “Little Bird” who was a comedic foil to Big Bird’s childlike wonder. Children apparently liked him, but I found him annoying. His disappearance is hand-waved away by saying that he “returned to the park.” I’m sure that’s exactly what happened. Is that a pile of feathers by the big pipe organ over there?
There wasn’t anyone who performed this poorly against Huddersfield. Except maybe match official Mike Jones, who pulled a muscle pre-game and had to sit on the sidelines in a chair while Kevin Friend took over.
In the early 1970s, robotics was a new field and robots were bleedin’ cool. Enter Sam the Robot, who was a “perfect robot” that frequently made mistakes and went haywire on the show. A strong candidate along with Abby Cadabby and Elmo for Most Annoying Muppet™, Sam didn’t last long on the show. Seeing as how he’s made of metal, I think this is one disappearance that we probably cannot lay at Count’s feet. More likely he was beaten up and sold for scrap behind Hooper’s General Store.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Sam the Robot.
Moussa Sissoko, Lucas Moura