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The Hoddle of Coffee: Tottenham Hotspur News and Links for Thursday, April 19

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Crying children!

Brighton and Hove Albion v Tottenham Hotspur - Premier League Photo by Mike Hewitt/Getty Images

Hi, everyone!

I just got finished Googling what human kidneys look like. That, though, has nothing to do with today’s ramble.

Ramble of the Day

Let me introduce to you Steve Harvey. He’s the guy that flubbed the Miss Universe winner a few years ago, sure, but he has other claims to fame. He is the soon-to-be father-in-law of Memphis Depay, who is engaged to his daughter, Lori. (We must never forget the outfit he proposed in.)

For today’s purposes, though, Harvey is relevant because he has a talk show called Steve. He recently invited a seven-year-old girl named Ariana, who is good at football according to him, onto his show because he had a surprise for her. This is what happened.

In case you do not feel like watching, this child opens up the video by insulting Harvey’s goalkeeping skills. She then went on about how she makes boys cry when she beats them on the soccer field, something Harvey finds very important. After about a minute and a half of chatter, we learn that Ariana is a savage young person, kicking butt and taking names. She will not stop until she makes everyone cry, it seems.

Then Harvey says “Neymar.”

Ariana admitted that she sometimes cry when sees Neymar. Naturally, the people behind Steve had to put a picture of Neymar up on the screen, and this kid just loses it. She stops briefly to show off a move she invented and named after the Brazilian, but worry not, she resumed her crying as soon as possible.

This is mostly because Harvey says “I know Neymar,” which I doubt, and then shows young Ariana a video message from Neymar himself. She cries some more after she gets a signed jersey from Neymar, and finishes out the four-minute segment in tears.

There’s a follow up video that airs on the next episode of Steve in which Ariana has put on her new Brazil jersey and has stopped crying, but admits she’ll probably cry for the next week. After getting over the fact that this girl could not stop crying at the thought of Neymar, I wondered if she was actually any good at football.

Unfortunately, I have no answer. Harvey met Ariana on his other show, Little Big Shots, where little kids demonstrate their talents. Ariana’s talent was playing football, so I watched that, too. On that show, she claimed that she, at age seven, had been playing the sport for seven years, with Ariana now possibly being an unreliable narrator. She also has a move named after Diego Maradona, but Harvey didn’t test her abilities enough, so I have no scouting report.

I did get proof that Harvey is bad at goalkeeping, though, which will certainly not impress Memphis.

tl;dr: Memphis Depay’s future father-in-law made a girl cry because he brought up Neymar.

Links of the Day

Gaëtan Bong has defended himself after the FA could not prove his claim that Jay Rodriguez had racially abused him.

The World Cup will have VAR with a twist, as each decision made by referees using video will then be explained in words on the stadium’s big screens.

Joey Barton will become the Fleetwood Town manager once his betting ban ends in June.

Today’s longer read: Bleacher Report’s Dean Jones on the 17-year-old who has become the personal shopper for several Premier League players, including Dele Alli and Érik Lamela