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Chelsea 1-3 Tottenham: player ratings to the theme of Chelsea fans in the background of this Dele Alli photo

We kinda had to do this and we regret nothing.

Chelsea v Tottenham Hotspur - Premier League

Happy Easter Monday, everyone! And one day after Tottenham beat Chelsea 3-1 at Stamford Bridge, the first win at the Bridge in 28 years, it certainly is a happy one, isn’t it?

Christian Eriksen might have scored the best goal of the day with his 35-yard thunderblast right before halftime, but it was Dele Alli who stole the show with his scrappy brace, and not least because he followed up his first goal by thoroughly trolling the Chelsea supporters.

Now, I’d like to think that we at Cartilage Free Captain are above that kind of trolling of a rival fan base and that we’d never stoop to that level. After all, we’re not that juvenile, right?

Oh, who am I kidding, we’re TOTALLY that juvenile. And because we’re that juvenile, and since there’s SO MUCH GOING ON in that photo, we have enough to identify a Chelsea fan in the background for every single Tottenham player. Here are your player ratings to the theme of Chelsea fans in the background of this article’s header photo.

This photo is appropriate because out of all the Chelsea fans in the crowd, this lady is the only one who knows how to properly pull off a double-bird.

Christian Eriksen: That goal was positively FILTHY.

A tale of two coffee cups. These two aren’t sitting together, so they’re probably not married, but I’d hazard this is most certainly a visual depiction of a Craigslist “Missed Connections” ad. You: holding a coffee cup, staring with bemusement at Dele Alli on the Stamford Bridge end-line. Me: likewise. Are we soulmates?

Jan Vertonghen: That was a seriously impressive defensive performance from Vertonghen that included a couple of heroic tackles in the box. He was monstrous.

Davinson Sanchez: If you want to quibble, he was out of position on Morata’s goal. But who wants to quibble when Davinson’s speed and positioning was good enough to cut out a number of promising Chelsea attacks on the break? A very encouraging match from (sob) Toby’s long-term replacement.

My personal favorite. These are the three secret Spurs fans who somehow got tickets in the away end and just can’t contain their glee. The perfect trolls.

Dele Alli: It had to be him, right? On a night where Spurs were overturning all the #narratives, who else to score a brace than the Chief Troll himself? Dele was masterful, especially in the second half when he ran riot. Suck it, haters.

This is the guy who isn’t hard enough to actually jump over 15 rows of Chelsea fans to confront Dele on the pitch, but he’ll sure make you think he is. Bonus points to his buddy who will gamely go along with it. “I’LL FOOKIN’ MURDER YA, LEMME GO I’LL KILL YA HOLD ME BACK M8 HOLD ME BACK”

Erik Lamela: Pochettino’s tactical shift to move Erik to CF allowed Sonny to help out Davies in defense, and his hold-up play was surprisingly stellar. Erik led the team in tackles, too. He gets a bonus star for all of his epic, uncalled sh*thousery.

I know this guy’s flipping the bird, but the way it’s shot it totally makes him look like the human English equivalent of the “thinking-guy-emoji.” Hmmmmm.

Eric Dier: That long ball from deep to Dele’s foot was positively Toby-esque. Ran around breaking things, which was good on a day when Moose was a little less effective against Fabregas and Kante.

If you want the pure, crystallized essence of the aggro Chelsea fan, here you go.

Mousa Dembele: Slightly less “Moose-ish” than we’re used to, but he was going up against Kante and Fabregas, and more than held his own in midfield. I was quite happy.

What is this guy doing with his hands? And is he actually a concert pianist?

Kieran Trippier: A solid match. Good crossing, tracked back and defended pretty well considering Chelsea’s weaponry. I have no complaints — he did well.

When you have a huge ginger beard and are also very Dele-curious.

Son Heung-Min: Rather ineffective as a CF in the first half, but thrived in his natural wide position in the second. Forced a very good save from Caballero, and helped track back and help Ben Davies defensively.

Imagine thinking that the guy in the Oakland (sorry, Las Vegas) Raiders hat isn’t actually the worst person in that crowd. Or is American. Could be both, really.

Hugo Lloris: Okay, so he rushed out badly for Morata’s goal, and that wasn’t great. He also bailed out Spurs on a couple of occasions with some very good stops.

This guy is 18, an old-money trust-fund kid, and is headed to Oxford next fall. Convince me otherwise.

Harry Kane: It was his first match back after a few weeks out with an ankle injury, so I didn’t expect much from him. It was great to see him out there and he was moving well but didn’t exactly do much. And that’s fine. He was perfectly used as a human victory cigar by Mauricio Pochettino.

I will leave this comment to the masses. It just feels... appropriate.

Ben Davies: I know he has six assists this season and that’s great, but holy moly, until Poch fine-tuned the tactics, Davies got absolutely smoked several by Willian and Victor Moses and left acres of space behind him. This continues to be a problem.

There’s one in every crowd: that guy who’s too busy taking pictures to actually notice what’s going on around him. Also, why does it look like he’s trying to look through the viewfinder of his phone?

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Chelsea phone guy.

Victor Wanyama, Moussa Sissoko (he was fine)