On Monday, Spurs beat Watford 2-0 and put themselves in the driver’s seat for a top four finish. It wasn’t the best performance, and Harry Kane despite a goal remains off the pace, so these ratings ended up less than stellar despite the clean sheet victory. Still, it was a fun game.
To match a game that was fun, but short of great, we decided to rate the players in relation to werewolf height, but only the height of shorter werewolves. Werewolves are everywhere these days. You can’t have a discussion with your spouse and family without werewolves becoming involved. And while many werewolves are tall, it’s commonly accepted that werewolves may also be short. Among short werewolves, fascinatingly, there is still much variation in werewolf height. And thus begins our journey.
The most important question that we grappled with was this: is five stars the tallest of the short werewolves, or the shortest of the short werewolves? This is a complicated metaphysical question that sparked intense discussion, but in the end we decided that if we are rating according to short werewolves, clearly lack of height is the distinguishing feature. Therefore, ranking from shortest to tallest most perfectly captures the essence of this category.
Here, then, are the Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of not-very-tall werewolves. Are there short werewolves we missed? Tell us in the comments!
5 stars: The werewolf from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The werewolf from Buffy is super short and this brings up all sorts of questions that I don’t have time to answer, including why a werewolf would bother biting someone so short, as it seems like an evolutionary shortcoming. However, as a werewolf, Seth Green is very clearly the shortest of all short werewolves and is therefore at the top of our rankings.
Hugo Lloris: Quite easily Tottenham’s MOTM, this was the kind of assured performance from him that makes us all remember that, yeah, he really is one of the best keepers in Europe. Made some absolutely key stops including one heart-stopping (and excellently executed) run off his line. Not hyperbole to say that he was the primary difference between a win and dropped points.
Jan Vertonghen: Yet another assured, outstanding defensive performance and was unlucky not to score late in the game when his header caromed off the post. I’d be on board to try Jan as Kane’s backup if doing so wouldn’t completely torpedo Spurs’ defense.
4 stars: The werewolf from Teen Wolf
Michael J. Fox is also a very short werewolf, though slightly taller than Buffy’s werewolf. This is fine, however, as the extra inch no doubt helped turn the Teen Wolf into a slightly better high school point guard.
Christian Eriksen: Was one of the few bright spots for Spurs in the first half. Got his assist to Dele, nearly scored himself, and was one of the few midfielders who could actually keep the ball at his feet. One of the stand-out performers in the match.
Dele Alli: Got his goal thanks to a heads-up decision on a spilled cross, and spent much of his time making late runs and being a nuisance to Watford’s back line. Solid match, more of that, please Dele.
3.5 stars: The guy who sang Werewolves in London
Warren Zevon is 5’7.5” which is an oddly specific height for a werewolf. Clearly this is a wolfman who is cognizant and tetchy about his place in the short werewolf hierarchy. Good song, though.
Son Heung-Min: His scoring has cooled off a lot since he hit his high water mark earlier in the spring, but he still works hard enough to keep defenders honest and open up opportunities for his teammates. Still has some questionable finishing decisions in the final third, but we kinda know what we’re getting with him now, right? He’s there because he has the potential to be unplayable by defenders.
Erik Lamela: Lamela was ferocious with the ball at his feet, and you could really tell he wanted to do something amazing. It... didn’t really come off, but his work rate is just fantastic. I love him so much. I wish he’d score.
3 stars: The werewolf from Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
Here we do not refer to Michael Sheen playing a werewolf of only moderate height in the Underworld movies, where they were actually Lycans. Rather this rates the werewolf height of his character Wesley Snipes on 30 Rock. Although it was never part of the text of the show, Sheen’s actor’s secret for playing Wesley Snipes is that Wesley Snipes was a not a very tall werewolf.
Harry Kane: His ankle is clearly still bothering him and it’s affecting Spurs’ overall offense. That’s a problem. Still, he’s scored three goals in his last four games, so what do I know?
Victor Wanyama: Was a late substitute for Dembele and performed pretty well. Didn’t make any major mistakes, didn’t do anything super outstanding.
2.5 stars: The werewolf from Twilight
The Twilight werewolf is not only short, it is also an incredibly handsome werewolf. All else being equal, this would normally tip the scales, because what’s better than a short werewolf? An extremely HOT short werewolf. Sadly this hot werewolf is still pretty tall, at least for a not very tall werewolf. 2.5 stars.
Kieran Trippier: I will get yelled at for this, but whatever. Trips was pretty good going forward, got an assist for his pass to Kane, and was very good at putting balls into the box. But defensively he was a hot mess, as he got torched multiple times by Watford attackers. That’s a problem when Spurs are playing in a back four and the press isn’t working well, and only Watford being terrible and Hugo being amazing prevented Spurs from conceding at least two goals. I’ll die on this hill.
Davinson Sanchez: Sanchez supposedly has the defensive ability to play a suicidal pressing high line and the recovery speed to get back when needed, but he sure didn’t show it against Watford. He got beat like a drum numerous times on Monday.
2 stars: The werewolf from “Teen Wolf Too”
Jason Bateman? More like Jason Bite Man, amirite? Also, he is too tall for a short werewolf and his movie sucked.
Eric Dier: One half of the calamity duo in midfield. His defensive work was okay, but his profligate passing got Spurs into trouble time and time again, and he wasn’t able to make the midfield press work. Not great, Bob.
Mousa Dembele: I’ve been wrong about Moose potentially being crocked before, but he sure looked his age out there against Watford. Maybe potentially fitness related, but the press wasn’t working and he was unusually loose with his passing. #DiawaraByDaybreak
Ben Davies: See the description for Kieran Trippier, minus the “good going forward” bit.
1 star: The werewolf from NBC Sports’ soccer desk
This sportscaster exists perpetually in the interphase of a glacially slow transformation from man to wolf. As the tallest of the short wolves, he is inevitably the shortest of the tall werewolves. Neither wolf nor man, tall nor short, he is a wolfman truly trapped between worlds.
None of our players were as not-tall and not-short and not-werewolves and not-not-werewolves as the werewolf from NBC Sports’ soccer desk.
Lon Cheney Memorial Non-Rating
Moussa Sissoko (he was fine, for a tall werewolf.)