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Tottenham 1-0 Newcastle: player ratings to the theme of Spurs-branded Bravo TV shows

A very bad game with a very good result.

The Painted Nail Flagship Store Launch Photo by Joshua Blanchard/Getty Images for The Painted Nail

You are forgiven if, 24 hours after Tottenham Hotspur banished their demons by beating Newcastle and clinching top four, you are still celebrating. But let’s not pretend that this was an objectively good soccer match.

Because it wasn’t. In fact, it was pretty terrible football, if the kind of terrible football that is of massive importance and keeps you either glued to your TV or behind your couch for the duration.

So the ratings are going to be bleak despite the significance of the win. We have a reputation to uphold here, after all.

Today NBC announced their television lineup for the last matchweek of the season, which it calls Championship Sunday despite the championship being decided weeks ago, and like they have done in past years every single match will be broadcast across the family of NBC networks. The Tottenham vs. Leicester match? None other than Bravo TV.

And if you know this website you know this got us thinking. If Bravo is the home of Tottenham, what would happen if Tottenham actually took over Bravo?

Here are your player ratings to the theme of Spurs-branded Bravo TV shows. You’re welcome.

5 stars: Van der Vaart Rules

Hugo Lloris: Good Hugo is back! And good thing, too -- we really needed him in the last two games. His save on Jamal Lascelles diving header was outstanding, and his distribution was also very good. He saved Spurs’ blushes on more than one occasion.

4 stars: Real Housewives of North London

Erik Lamela: Just a few days after his somewhat disastrous outing against West Brom, Erik was at his best vs. Toon. His energy and pressing as an impact substitute gave Spurs a jolt of fresh energy, and should’ve had an assist for playing in Danny Rose. He was great.

3.5 stars: Sahas of Sunset

Christian Eriksen: He didn’t have the impact that he often has, but he had a lovely curling free kick that forced a good save, and worked his tail off to create space and try to play in others.

Harry Kane: Yeah, I know, he still doesn’t look on top form and missed a couple of chances that Healthy Harry buries on instinct, but his goal was sweetly taken. He won the game for us. It’s hard to stay mad at him, he’s one of our own.

Dele Alli: Dele had a low-key solid match, though like Christian he wasn’t as impactful usual. Still, had a couple of looks at goal, and was sneaky good at drawing defenders away.

3 stars: Married to Eriksen

Davinson Sanchez: The better of the two Spurs CBs, which is difficult to type. And he wasn’t all that spectacular — had a few decent stops but was beaten for pace on a number of occasions due to Spurs’ overall failure to press.

2.5 Stars: Project Sonway

Moussa Sissoko: Nope, he wasn’t good, but as Michael Caley put it Sissoko’s problems were more that he didn’t fix anything, not that he was necessarily creating issues. And, as we pointed out, at least he tried. He was (not) fine.

2 stars: Girlfriend’s Guide to De-Vorm

Jan Vertonghen: Hooo boy. I guess it took rushing back from a twisted ankle to get a really bad game from Jan. It’s hard to get mad at him since he’s arguably our player of the season, but he was clearly off the pace and hobbled by injury. Newcastle torched him and he lost confidence. I’m not worried.

Son Heung-Min: Got an assist for his ball to Kane, but otherwise this was a bad game for Sonny, especially in the first half. He couldn’t keep possession, and his attacks frequently bogged down. He’s a boom-bust player, and it sure seems like he’s in a bust cycle at the moment.

Victor Wanyama: As I mentioned in the other article, it sure seems like Vic might have been playing through a hamstring injury, which makes me feel bad about this review. But holy smokes, he wasn’t great.

Kieran Trippier: The problems with Kieran Trippier are well known: pretty good offensively, more often a problem on defense. That’s true in this match as well, if you also take away the “pretty good offensively” part.

Ben Davies: I’m not sure I can point to anything that Ben Davies actually did against Newcastle. That’s how much of a passenger he was in this game. Oh, I guess he nutmegged someone late. Still two stars.

1 star: Watch What Happens Levy

No Tottenham players were as bad as the idea of a Daniel Levy-hosted talk show about finance.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non Rating

We had a bunch of other shows that we just couldn’t fit in, so we’ll drop them in here:

  • 100 Days of Sonny
  • I Dream of Dele
  • Lads of London
  • The People’s Crouch
  • America’s Next Top Moura
  • Top Chirp
  • Levy’s Million Dollar Transfer Ka-Ching!

Toby Alderweireld, Danny Rose