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West Brom 1-0 Tottenham: Player ratings to the theme of screw this, I’m going home

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Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope

Edvard Munch's The Scream Goes On Display Ahead Of Auction Photo by Oli Scarff/Getty Images

Tottenham Hotspur played a match of football on Saturday. One thing we can definitely say is that it was most assuredly a football match that happened, complete with players on the field, a match official, and everything.

This is the extent of my analysis today.

Because honestly, do we really WANT to take a close and in-depth analysis at what happened during that certainly not a fake football match that didn’t really happen? I don’t. I suspect you don’t either, but we do have these comments at the bottom of the article that you are free to use if you would like to examine the finer details of this actual event that happened within the framework of space and time.

Let’s just say this: Not great, Bob!


0 stars: LOL this match sucked


Everybody: You know what? We lost to f—king West Brom. In the 92nd minute. To JAKE LIVERMORE. Everyone was terrible. Some (Toby Alderweireld, Jan Vertonghen, Christian Eriksen, Lucas Moura) were less terrible than others (Erik Lamela, Victor Wanyama) but this was a crappy loss to a crappy team and everyone was crap and I’m still angry about this so I’m not going to even bother to write out how all the players were crappy in unique and distinct ways. They just were. Where’s my bottle of bourbon? I put it down here somewhere...

-0 stars: The Null Set


Mauricio Pochettino: [eternal screaming into the void]

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating


Fernando Llorente: Hilariously, Fernando stays out of the fray here, only because he didn’t play enough to warrant a rating. Also, I think he had a header on goal, at least.