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By the end of the day today we will have seen all 20 of the 2018 Premier League teams in action for the first time. That’s enough for us to be able to form some basic opinions of each team and the way they play.
Have you heard the expression “There’s a @dril tweet for everything”? It’s true. @dril is the undisputed king of “weird Twitter,” an anonymous internet celebrity who posts brilliant nuggets of foul-mouthed, intentionally (?) misspelled, bizarre content. The tweets are perfect non-sequiturs that, his followers believe, you can apply to virtually any situation.
So why not test that theory? We (and by “we” I mean mostly The Sleeper’s Sleep, but also me and a few other Carty Free staffers) scoured @dril’s timeline and found what we think are the perfect tweets that represent each of the 20 teams in this season’s 2018-19 Premier League. Why? Well, mostly because we were bored one day. But also because we could.
Enjoy, or we will slowly shrink and transform into corn cobs.
Arsenal
the fool tries to make one million dollars.... but the wise man knows that its much easier to make $0.000001 dollars one trillion times
— wint (@dril) September 3, 2016
Bournemouth
i love thinking about shit that is "Asethetic" and looking at it and saying how much of good it is
— wint (@dril) June 3, 2018
Brighton & Hove Albion
football?? Pfuh. while you sweathogs are pounding off to grievous injury porn i'll be experiencing life at the car wash, with shorter lines
— wint (@dril) February 1, 2015
Burnley
this codger is an absolute mate... the lad is a flintstone
— wint (@dril) July 21, 2018
Cardiff City
pain man
— wint (@dril) June 17, 2018
Chelsea
accosted by several of my followers last night.. would nnot fuck off, awful, screeching voices..overpowering urine smell. Terrible. Terrible
— wint (@dril) November 3, 2016
Crystal Palace
THe Eagles is a team of football who i respect & admire. Their commitment to touchdowns is good. They are athletic when it comes to sports
— wint (@dril) July 14, 2015
Everton
i will tell you about the two types of diaper. there's the Functional diaper, worn inside the pants. and the Aesthetic diaper, worn outside.
— wint (@dril) October 22, 2015
Fulham
the numa numa man just bougt a $70million house and im here at the library trying to photocopy a fruit roll up
— wint (@dril) December 19, 2014
Huddersfield Town
never knew that anything was good or bad until i got on the computer, i had always assumed that everything was Average until i got yelled at
— wint (@dril) July 11, 2015
Leicester City
pissed off because people are watching their precious football instead of asking me why im pissed off
— wint (@dril) September 27, 2015
Liverpool
it is official. im taking my football to prom and im going to kiss it and the nerds will never stop me. i cannot wait to savor their anguish
— wint (@dril) May 25, 2013
Manchester City
there is NOTHING wrong with having 1 Million Doallrs
— wint (@dril) October 26, 2016
you are NOT defined by your one million dollars...
having 1 Million Dollars is normal
completing my "Dip Shit" look by donning a humongous bib with a picture of a sailboat on it
— wint (@dril) February 24, 2018
(I couldn’t decide)
Manchester United
"im not owned! im not owned!!", i continue to insist as i slowly shrink and transform into a corn cob
— wint (@dril) November 11, 2011
Newcastle United
yea i torched the dennys. and i woudlve gotten away with it, if i werent the only guy in town with a custom jersey that says "My Wife" on it
— wint (@dril) September 24, 2016
Southampton
gathering data on various of bastards
— wint (@dril) May 9, 2018
Tottenham Hotspur
a football jersey with "BAD SON" as the player's name found in a dumpster
— wint (@dril) August 30, 2013
Watford
no
— wint (@dril) September 15, 2008
West Ham
extremely frail man, tasked with gathering hundreds of dildos thrown onto the football field by overzealous fans— booed incessantly; Reviled
— wint (@dril) December 2, 2016
Wolverhampton
the wolf represents chaos. the eagle represents order. knuckles the echidna represents myself #tatchat
— wint (@dril) January 27, 2011
BONUS — Non-Premier League @dril tweets
It’s not just Premier League clubs that have perfect Dril tweet matches. We found a couple of others that seemed appropriate to share.
Real Madrid
it is nothing short of miraculous that all the rich people on this website are personal friends of mine, and care about me, and know my Pain
— wint (@dril) April 26, 2018
Aston Villa
Food $200
— wint (@dril) September 29, 2013
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Millwall
concerned about t he health of my followers, many of whom appear sickly and have chapped, unwashed elbows, stained with grime
— wint (@dril) June 1, 2018
LA Galaxy
it is with a heavy heart that i must announce that the celebs are at it again
— wint (@dril) September 24, 2014