I’m not one for hyperbole, but Doritos are the best flavored tortilla chips ever made, full stop. Honestly, if you’re looking for a flavored corn chip and you don’t come home with a bag of Doritos, there’s something seriously wrong with you. (If you’re looking for PLAIN corn chips to load up with salsa or guacamole, then it’s Tostitos all day, but that’s not the criteria here.)
A couple of weeks back we got into a Slack argument — as one does — about the best Doritos flavors. I had my takes. Others had theirs. Mine is correct, however, because they are mine and I’m writing the damn article.
Tottenham Hotspur had a pretty great win on Saturday over Fulham in their first “home” match of the season at Wembley Stadium, so it’s time to rank the players to something good — Doritos flavors.
For the record, there are plenty of one-off or hard-to-find flavors that have since disappeared into the mists of time. These rankings are the best of the ones you can most commonly find on supermarket shelves today, excluding the CRAVERS, LATE NITE, or any of the super gimmicky varietals.
5 Stars: Chile Verde
I had a different take on the top ranking, but a former staffer who hangs out in the chat told me I was wrong and that Chile Verde was the best flavor. So I went out and bought a bag. And you know what, he was right. Chile Verde blends herbacious notes with mild heat and a savory flavor that is just wonderful. My house will never again be without a bag.
Hugo Lloris: Magnificent. Made several key stops at good times to keep Fulham from completing their comeback and was a vocal leader. Couldn’t do anything to prevent Fulham’s equalizer.
Dele Alli: Deployed in a deeper-than-usual role in the 3-5-2, and it seemed to really suit him well. He was at center of Spurs’ offense on Saturday, pressing very well, buzzing around the pitch, and creating havoc. Just about the only thing he didn’t do was score.
4.5 stars: Jalapeño Popper
Boy do I love these chips. It’s like Chile Verde, but cheesier. These aren’t in any way, shape, or form a “spicy” chip which is kind of ridiculous considering “Jalapeño” is on the front of the bag, but I’m willing to overlook it because they’re so tasty. Plus, I’m a spice wimp, so that works for me.
Harry Kane: F—k off, August curse. Harry finally got his goal in the first month of the season, and damn right he’s going to start scoring hat tricks now. Still looked to be snatching at chances a bit in the first half, but ended up with four shots, hit the crossbar, and followed that with what looked like a vintage cross-goal toe-poke. Welcome back, Harry.
Toby Alderweireld: An extremely confident return to action. It looked like he had never left and he was pinging long balls from deep positions throughout the match. Didn’t create any opportunities, but he stretched the defense with his passing and was solid positionally.
Erik Lamela: One of two mid-second half subs made by Pochettino, and he changed the game. It was delightful watching him run directly at Fulham’s defense, which clearly had no idea how to handle him. His run to set up Kane’s goal was a thing of beauty. I’m in love with the Coco.
4 stars: Spicy Sweet Chili
There are CFC staffers that have this flavor ranked as their top choice, and it’s not hard to see why. There’s a good balance between the sweetness and the spice that makes it hard to put the bag down. It’s got a Thai spice vibe to it, though in all honesty it’s more of a “this is what Americans think Thai food tastes like” kind of thing. Still tasty, though. I once ate a whole bag of these while watching Spurs lose to Manchester United. Cathartic.
Lucas Moura: Boy, was he fun. And the only reason that he isn’t ranked higher is that he pretty much squandered two really good chances in the first half. His goal was magnificent, though, and I don’t think I’m going to miss Sonny nearly as much as I thought I would.
Mousa Dembele: Fulham made a tactical adjustment in the second half and played havoc with Spurs’ midfield. Enter Moose, who not only stabilized Spurs’ midfield press, but overran it. He was exactly what Spurs needed against a tiring Fulham squad. He changed the match.
3.5 stars: Cool Ranch
In life, you’re either a Nacho Cheese person or a Cool Ranch person. I am on the side of the angels. If you can’t find one of the more exotic versions above, you can’t go wrong with a bag of Cool Ranch. Try making nachos with them.
Christian Eriksen: Worked hard, as usual, but only created one chance, which is a little unusual. Still, he was one of the reasons Spurs looked so good early in the first half, even if his teammates let him down with their finishing. Also had a good opportunity on a free kick that was saved.
Kieran Trippier: That free kick goal was fan-bloody-tastic, full stop. That said, Trips had acres of space to work with all match and was less than stellar with his crossing, successfully completing only 4 of 14 attempts. That was pretty much the ideal match for Bury Beckham, and after the World Cup I expected better. But hey, he scored, and that’s great.
Jan Vertonghen: Extremely tidy with his passing, but had a couple of weird defensive lapses, including letting Sessegnon go in the run up to Fulham’s goal.
3 stars: Nacho Cheese
The original, and still a classic choice. It’s what you think of when you think Doritos, and that’s hardly a bad thing. It’s just that they’re just so... ordinary, you know? You won’t turn them down, but nacho cheese? Yeah, sure, I guess.
Ben Davies: Created three chances for Spurs going forward, more than any other Tottenham player, but got roasted on several occasions by Ryan Sessegnon in defense. That’s going to happen to a lot of players this season, and it’s less important in a back three, but it still highlights Ben’s Achilles heel.
Eric Dier: Did his job well enough in front of the defense for much of the first half, but got pretty overrun in the early second half after Fulham’s adjustment. Was rightfully subbed off for Erik Lamela. Not a bad match, but not a great one either.
2.5 stars: Taco
Man, tacos don’t taste like these things. I don’t know what these taste like exactly, but it’s not tacos, and it’s not especially tasty. Hard pass.
Davinson Sanchez: It’s not that Davinson was BAD exactly — he did the relatively thankless job of being a safe outlet for Hugo Lloris well enough, and passed the ball decently enough. But his stumble kinda directly led to Tottenham’s goal and he got caught out of position a couple other times before getting hooked for Mousa Dembele.
1 star: Toasted Corn
Look, Doritos are good, but they’re good because of the flavored powder they load on top of the chip which is probably terrible for you but which I want sold in bulk. Take away that delicious powder and you’ve basically got a thicker, less tasty Tostito. Which is fine, I guess, but why would you do that when you can just get a bag of Tostitos? There’s really no reason for these to exist.
No Tottenham players were as bad as Toasted Corn Doritos.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
Harry Winks: Came in late, didn’t have an impact. Don’t care, because WINKSY’S BACK Y’ALL.