Dispatches from Bat Country: Real Madrid inquiring about Harry Kane

The January transfer window is always a strange one. Usually there are a lot of loan deals for teams that need depth, especially in the lower divisions in every country. Occasionally you get a big money move whether they make a permanent jump in January or get loaned back until the summer, just like Christian Pulisic’s deal with Chelsea. Then there are the bat country stories, and there are more than we can usually count.

Today’s jaunt through bat country brings us to a story that broke via AS.com in Spain regarding the champions of Europe, Real Madrid. It’s no surprise that Los Blancos are already looking ahead to the summer for revamping their squad, but even this one is kinda dumb. According to the Spanish outlet, Florentino Perez has reached out to Tottenham Hotspur chairman Daniel Levy about Harry Kane. The result? About as hilarious as you can expect.

La respuesta no pudo ser más desalentadora y más disuasoria: 350 millones de euros. Una cantidad que responde a la locura que establece el mercado desde los 222 millones pagados por el PSG al Barça por Neymar y por la necesidad que tiene el Madrid de buscar un goleador que supla los 50 tantos anuales de Cristiano.

Here’s a rough translation of the excerpt:

The answer could not be more discouraging or dissuasive: 350 million euros. This amount is a response to the madness that the market has been established due to the 222 million price paid by Paris Saint-Germain to Barcelona for Neymar and the need for Madrid to find a goal scorer to replace Cristiano Ronaldo’s 50 goals a year.

Funny enough, while Harry Kane is the primary focus of this article, there’s a little snippet in there about Perez inquiring about Christian Eriksen. The price there is a mere €250m (£223.1m) for the Danish midfielder.

The reason we’re stamping this with Bat Country is because it checks all the boxes for it: No quotes, plenty of hearsay comments and sketchy sourcing. While AS isn’t as bad of a trumpeter as Marca is for Real Madrid, they aren’t innocent of it either and certainly don’t have a great track record. You could probably put them on the level of the Daily Star in UK. We all know that Real Madrid and Barcelona are the driving forces in La Liga and two of the super clubs in all of Europe. We know that Real would love Harry Kane, but this seems like a bored reporter trying to get clicks.

If there is a shred of truth to this, I don’t doubt the prices. Levy has a striker and midfielder that just about any club in Europe would love to have, and that’s not even including Dele Alli, Son Heung-Min and others. Could Real Madrid honestly pay that price? Perhaps, and it would just be another log on the fire for everyone who thinks Financial Fair Play is an absolute joke and selectively enforced. (See: Everyone with a functioning brain.)

Harry Kane signed a new six year contract in the summer that ended Tottenham’s original wage policy, paying him £200k/week plus bonuses, effectively paying him around £62m over the life of the contract. Levy holds all the cards when it comes to Kane, and we know Kane is as happy as can be in his role with Spurs. When you add it all up, Madrid may want Harry Kane like any super club in Europe, but any interest in him means dealing with Daniel Levy. That is enough to scare off anyone.

Take us home, Johnny Depp.