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Fulham 1-2 Tottenham: Player ratings to the theme of observable astronomical phenomena

And remember, keep looking up! (That goes for you too, Fernando.)

Fulham FC v Tottenham Hotspur - Premier League
Harry Winks’ head in a partial eclipse of the stadium light at Craven Cottage.
Photo by Clive Rose/Getty Images

You may or may not have known this, but there was a total lunar eclipse last night across the entirety of North and South America. Not just a lunar eclipse though — a Total Super Wolf Moon Eclipse. Apparently, it was even viewable to people in the United Kingdom early on Monday morning.

When I was a kid, long before I harbored fanciful notions of being a world famous Tottenham blogger, I wanted to be an astronomer. I gave up that notion when I realized that 99% of astronomy was math, my least favorite subject, but the fascination with astronomical phenomenon has continued into my adult years.

So for today’s ratings theme, we’re going to rank the Spurs players to observable astronomical phenomena — the stuff that you can, at least in theory, walk outside your front door and see. The world is a beautiful place when these things happen, especially after Tottenham Hotspur steal a win in a London derby.

Here are your player ratings to the theme of observable astronomical phenomena.

6 stars: Roman Pavlyuchenko shots over the bar

Just kidding.

5 stars: Aurora borealis/australis

There is nothing in the night sky more perfect and awe-inspiring than an aurora. If you are in the northern hemisphere, it’s the aurora borealis. Southern, aurora australis. You usually have to be a fair way towards one of the poles and be lucky to see those energized particles dancing away in the sky, but if you ever do get to see it, then you understand why this is the five star category. Spectacular.

Harry Winks: This is maybe sliiiiiigtly hyperbolic but I don’t care. Winksy struggled a bit defensively in the first half but put in an outstanding second half performance and REALLY came alive when Eric Dier entered the match. 91/102 passing, 72 passes in the opposition half, 11 ball recoveries, and a goal. Plus, did you see that celebration? That’s a five-star performance for me.

4 stars: Total solar eclipse

For the most part, total solar eclipses aren’t DIRECTLY observable solar phenomenon, unless you have some of those fancy glasses. (Don’t stare at the sun, kids.) But they are observable with pinhole cameras and the like. I’ve never been fortunate to see a total eclipse, but we had a partial that went 80% of the way there a couple of years back, and at its peak it was spooky as hell outside. The crickets even started chirping. It blows my mind that the moon is just the right distance away from the earth to perfectly cover the size of the sun so that we can see the penumbra. Science is neat.

Danny Rose: Just a really super performance from Rose, who combined well with Dele down the left flank and was solid defensively. Unlucky that his deflected shot caromed off the crossbar.

Janby Alderweirtonghen: Barely let Fulham get a sniff at goal in the second half and were experienced heads, especially after Spurs went down in the first half.

Dele Alli: Looked (sniff) solid much of the night and (wipes tear) had some lovely runs into the box. He (swallows) looks poised to be the one player who might benefit the most from Kane’s absenc... (sobs uncontrollably)

3.5 stars: Total lunar eclipse

Did you SEE that Super Wolf Moon Eclipse last night? You might not have if you don’t live in the continental USA, but it was SPECTACULAR, turning the moon into something out of a gothic horror novel. The only problem with lunar eclipses is that you usually have to stay up late to see them. I did. I am regretting it at work this morning.

Davinson Sanchez: Had quite a bit of trouble early on against Ryan Babel’s strength and speed (which was surprising in its own right) but did very well to hold Mitrovic at bay in the second half. In fact, their battle was one of the more interesting ones on the night.

Hugo Lloris: Had a couple of really outstanding stops to keep Spurs in the game, none better than his reflex save on Andre Schurrle. A couple of really weird moments with his distribution, though.

3 stars: Sunsets

Sunsets are beautiful things and for most people are indelibly tied to memory, or exist as metaphors for love or death. They can be spectacular. They can also be giant duds that look more like fried eggs on the horizon than ecstasies of color. Giving sunsets three stars for inconsistency. Sort it out, sun.

Christian Eriksen: Maybe it was the smaller size of Craven Cottage’s pitch, but Eriksen seemed to be forcing things. A number of wayward passes and incidents of lost possession. His chip to Dele’s head in the second half was sublime, though.

Eric Dier: It’s not that Dier did anything particularly noteworthy, it was more that his presence (and status as an Actual Real-For-Sure DM) allowed Winksy to shine in a more advanced role. Welcome back, Eric.

2.5 stars: Meteor showers

When I was around 12, I remember my dad taking me out to see my first meteor shower. We drove out into the country to an open field, laid down on a blanket, and stared at the sky four like an hour whereupon I saw a grand total of like 15 brief streaks out of my peripheral vision. Thrilling? A little. Mostly I just got cold.

Erik Lamela: A bad day at the office for Erik. Looked lively at moments, but nothing really seemed to come off for him. Needs to be better going forward, because there aren’t many impact players left.

Kieran Trippier: A pretty good match on the defensive end, but his crossing was wayward and didn’t contribute much going forward.

2 stars: Planetary conjunction

Hey look, there are two bright dots in the sky and look — they make a LINE. That happens about as often as when three stars make a TRIANGLE. I get it, it’s unusual when Venus and Jupiter are within a couple of degrees of each other or whatever, but, like, it’s two bright dots in the sky that look like stars. Seen it.

Fernando Llorente: Tottenham changed its entire offense to benefit Fernando, and he put in an absolute stinker — an own goal, terrible pace, and the touch of a marble column. If he is really the best Spurs can do in Kane’s absence, they will struggle, especially against better teams.

1 star: Sunrise

There are people for whom getting up early and watching the sunrise is a spiritual thing. I understand. It can be beautiful. For me, the sunrise is just nature’s way of telling me that I’m up way too. friggin’ early. I’m going back to bed.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as watching the sunrise.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating

Georges-Kevin N’Koudou: Doesn’t really deserve a ranking due to the amount of time he played but deserves mention anyway because THAT CROSS.