Gooooooooooooooooood morning, Carty Free!
That’s right, you get me today. I assure you, it’s for a good reason! It’s definitely not for the rant I’m about to go on, so if you aren’t interested in my mild to scorching hot takes about Halloween candy, you can scroll past it.
Let’s talk about Halloween Candy!
Last week, this came across my Twitter feed and I kind of eye-twitched at some of these choices by the various states in the country. I forgot about it until Monday morning when the image popped up in another Slack channel that I’m a part of.
First off, here’s my cold-as-ice take: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are the undisputed king of Halloween.
They are the perfect candy for the event and no child is ever going to be upset to see that beautiful orange wrapper in their bag. It’s like hitting the childhood jackpot to have numerous peanut butter cups in the bag at the end of the night. If you got lucky, there was always that one house that was awesome enough to have the regular two-cup package. I remember getting one of these when I was nine years old and was so happy. I could barely wait to get home to hammer that thing in my Ultimate Warrior costume.
Yes, there are pictures of this. No, you are not getting to see them.
Anyways, 12 states get this right: Reese’s rule the country. Special shout-out to Utah for the perfectly acceptable Peanut Butter M&Ms that are also awesome and a great selection. I will also say that the regular M&Ms, Snickers and KitKat choices are quite good and fine.
Now we hit the outliers. Pennsylvania and my current state of residence, Ohio, have Mars as the number one selection. This is weird, because Mars was missing for the longest time until a few years ago. I made it a point to look for Mars bars after work on Monday. Sure enough, there they were and the box was damn near empty. There’s nothing wrong with Mars, they’re just not my first choice for a candy bar.
Then there’s the South.
Kentucky? We need to have a talk. Swedish Fish are....fine. They don’t have the stigma of Werther’s Original, but I have never seen a kid get super excited to get a package of Swedish Fish. It’s nothing personal, but make better Halloween candy choices please.
Alabama, Mississippi, the Carolinas and Maryland? Come on, really? Milk Duds? There are so many better options! Hell, Milky Way already does better what you’ve been trying forever. Zoidberg, help me out here:
Then there’s Illinois, my birth state. I am so torn on Jolly Ranchers because I don’t hate them, but they fall into that same category of Swedish Fish. They’re fine. I just don’t want them for Halloween. Also, how many do you give? Do you just have them individually wrapped and let kids take a handful? Do you have them in a separate bag and determine that ahead of time? Keep it simple.
The worst choices by far come from North Dakota, Nebraska and Oklahoma. Heck, let’s toss in Tennessee while we’re at it. Hot Tamales and Red Hots? Really? These four states should be expelled from the country. They can either form their own micro-states or be absorbed by neighboring states with better taste.
Halloween is serious business, dammit.
And now the “news”....
EA Sports vows to fix broken FIFA 20 career mode: Engadget
I finished up my review a week and a half ago and thought career mode was fine, but I had all of two full nights with it and it’s clear I didn’t go deep enough because holy hell are things broken. The PR response I got was “a patch is coming.” Hopefully soon.
California signs bill into law allowing athletes to make money off their likeness: Los Angeles Times
I spent a long period of time covering the Ed O’Bannon & Sam Keller class action suit against EA and NCAA. The NCAA has a real problem on their hand and you can bet they’re going to do everything in their power to fight this.
SmackDown’s Fox Premiere Is A Big F*cking Deal: Deadspin
There’s a new wrestling war that starts this week. All Elite Wrestling kicks off on Wednesday but WWE hits network television on a weekly basis this Friday, which is just wild to think about.
As you’re aware, this site takes a lot of time and effort to manage. Not only do we have to write articles for you to update you on the club, but we have to hunt for sources and decide which ones are worth it before doing the writing. After that, we have to moderate the comments to ensure the rules are followed and this place doesn’t turn into a free-for-all like most sub-reddits. We all have regular jobs and while we would love to split duties between all of us, that just isn’t possible at the moment.
So what’s the obvious solution? We look for more moderators. There are a few factors we have to weigh in before granting the power that we have to hide/delete messages and subsequently handle issues, but at the end of our search we decided on two new moderators.
Everyone, give a shout to Willl and Ray_of_Sonshine as your new moderators here on Cartilage Free Captain! They have already gone through our super secret crowning process (see: a couple of emails by Dustin and me) and granted their roles by adding them to the Masthead!
That’s it from me! Enjoy your Tuesday and let’s beat Bayern Munich.