What you’re looking at here is a photo of about a dozen or so athletic mascots for liberal arts colleges and universities in the great state of Ohio. They are posing at the Ohio State Courthouse in Columbus because reasons, it doesn’t really matter. But they’re there.
And they’re GLORIOUS.
There’s just so much going on here. It deserves a player ratings theme. Not just that, it deserves one of our patented Cartilage Free Captain deep dive shitposts, because...
Well, because honestly, just look at them.
Tottenham Hotspur were pretty much crap on Saturday against a team that was playing in the Championship last season. That’s pretty bad! So let’s try and distract ourselves by looking at what are presumably grown men and women wearing foam and rubber suits because college.
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of Ohio liberal arts college mascots. Goooooooooooo TEAM!
5 Stars: Mount St. Joseph University Lion
It takes a special kind of educational institution to make a mascot that looks like he’s completely high on smack. But that’s the Mount St. Joseph Lion for you. He’s not just excited to see you, he’s EXCITED TO SEE YOU RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH I F—KING LOVE COCAINE *SNIFFFFFFFFFFFF*
No Tottenham Hotspur players played as well as a coked-out kitty.
4 stars: Lourdes University Grey Wolf
Plenty of universities have wolves for mascots. Only one, to my knowledge, has a wolf that looks utterly lecherous, like he regularly cruises campus on Friday nights picking up drunk students in his shaggin’ wagon — that’s Lourdes. Don’t get into a car with him, and no you’re not mistaken — that wolf is DEFINITELY staring at your ass.
Son Heung-Min (Community - 7.0): Give credit where credit is due. Most of the team was crappy, but Son was not. His goal was well taken, if somewhat fortunate to both go through the keeper’s legs and also be provided by a Sheffield player. He still would do well to pick up his head more and pass to open teammates. But he’s almost certainly Spurs’ best offensive weapon right now.
Giovani Lo Celso (Community - 6.5): Gio continues to impress, showing a range of progressive passing and a pretty good shot radar as well. I still think his best role in the team is paired with Tanguy Ndombele in a midfield pivot, but right now I’m just happy he’s on the field.
3.5 stars: Denison University Buzzard
Denison University currently doesn’t have a mascot after officially dropping the “Indians” to become the Denison Big Red. Apparently students have unofficially adopted a giant red buzzard to represent them, in honor? appreciation? of the giant vultures that somehow plague this campus in east central Ohio. Meet “Buzzy.” He is terrifying.
Tanguy Ndombele (Community - 5.6): Still the engine of the team, but he did fade in the first half, probably because reports are he picked up a groin injury. Wonderful news!
Dele (Community - 5.6): Dele wants to be the primary creator with Eriksen out of the side, and he’s doing his best. Tried a few things that didn’t work against Sheffield’s (very good) defense but played in attackers a couple of times and was an integral part of the offense, such as it was. A casualty of Poch’s decision to switch to a back three.
3 stars: Tiffin University Dragon
Look at this dragon. It is not scary. It is not cuddly. This isn’t a mascot that inspires loyalty in its students. It is a dragon that exists only because it must, existing in the half-space between fandom and ennui. Take a dragon out of Westeros and into northwestern Ohio and this is what it turns into within a few generations.
Juan Foyth (Community - ): Eh. He was fine. Whatever.
2.5 stars: Xavier University Blue Blob
So this mascot isn’t in the header photo, but it WAS actually there — apparently Xavier’s Musketeers mascot was scaring children so they tried to come up with something a little more cuddly... and made this. Would you let this store-brand Cookie Monster come near your kids? Look into its eyes and see naught but the cold embrace of the void.
Moussa Sissoko (Community - 5.4): Nobody’s ever going to be accusing Sissoko of not working hard, but his job was to link the defense to the front six and he was pretty bad at it. His 91% pass rating looked downright “Winksian.”
Davinson Sanchez (Community - 5.4): Discounting Foyth’s cameo, Sanchez was by far Tottenham’s best central defender on the day, and considering he’s at 2.5 stars that should tell you something. Had some decent one on one defending, but his positioning and football intelligence still give numerous YIKES moments.
Serge Aurier (Community - 4.5): Had one pretty good cross and otherwise looked mostly like the Brain-Fell-Out Serge that we’ve come to love and loathe.
Ben Davies (Community - 4.5): I was hopeful that Ben could produce a solid if unspectacular performance against a recently promoted side, but he left acres of space behind him on the left and you could argue that his failure to shut down that wing led to Sheffield’s equalizing goal.
Paulo Gazzaniga (Community - 6.5): Made some nice stops, but his distribution was uncharacteristically poor, booting the ball out into touch on at least two occasions.
2 stars: Aultman College Great Horned Owl
I see you, Aultman College Owl, creepin’ in the background, trying not to be noticed. Most people would ask why a nursing college needs a mascot at all, as there are literally no sports teams there. Maybe that’s the cause of your shame, so you try and hide in the photo behind a cardinal and what looks like a manitee with teeth. But you can’t hide, Aully. I SEE you.
Harry Winks (Community - 5.0 ): Seriously, what is the point of him? He didn’t progress the ball and Spurs’ midfield looked significantly worse when he came on in place of Ndombele at halftime. I get that Tanguy was maybe injured. but I no longer see how Winks fits in this side anymore.
Harry Kane (Community - 4.0): People will probably blame Kane’s almost total invisibility (he had three shots in the waning minutes of the match) on the illess he suffered last weekend. I think he’s maybe just not as good as he used to be anymore and we should maybe start thinking about a future post-Kane, and sooner than we’d have expected.
Mauricio Pochettino (Community - 3.4): He left Eric Dier on the field for the entire game.
1.01 stars: Walsh University Cavalier
One of only three humanoid mascots in this photo (the rest being anthropomorphic animals or... whatever the Blue Blob is), the Walsh Cavalier looks like all he does is walk around fronting up to people before sticking them with that foam sword. Not going to lie, the Cavalier sounds like a real d—k. Never give mascots weapons. In my fanfic, the University of Findlay Oiler ends up sticking that sword where the sun doesn’t shine.
Eric Dier (Community - 3.5): That was quite possibly one of the most atrocious defensive performances I’ve seen from a Tottenham defender not named Vlad Chiriches. Ponderous, switched off, positionally wayward, awful. How he stayed on the pitch for the full match while Toby Alderweireld stayed on the bench is quite simply beyond me.
1 star: Ohio Northern University Polar Bear
I have so many questions. What is wrong with this bear? Why, when mascot nudity is expected, does it wear a red bow tie? Why doesn’t it wear ONU’s school colors of black and orange? Why is it named Klondike when there are, as near as I can tell, no polar bears in the Klondike? Why does it want to hug-slash-maul you to death? Why does it look vaguely like your uncle Paul?
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Klondike the mascot.
Brutus Buckeye Memorial Non-Rating
Lucas Moura (Community: n/r)