Curd your enthusiasm: Spurs shred plans for new stadium cheese room

Who moved my cheese? It’s the kind of news that will make even the most mature Tottenham Hotspur fans a little blue: according to the Guardian, the new Tottenham Hotspur stadium is set to open without the infamous VIP cheese room.

Of all the revelations to come out of the numerous delays to Tottenham’s new stadium, this is perhaps the one I’m most upset about. Since it was first announced back in 2017 as part of the ultra-premium Tunnel Club package, the cheese room has taken on an almost mythical aspect of the new stadium.

Sure, the stadium is coming seven months late and several hundred thousand pounds over budget, but dammit, we had our cheese room and what other Premier League football club could claim that? It was something to stand beside (but not behind) and point to. That English fromagerie was to be what the sausage train was to St. Pauli — a point of distinction, the shining jewel in the new stadium’s crown. It was, you might say, legen-dairy. And now after stringing us along for years, it’s gone, lost in the Humboldt fog, like cubes of colby-jack at a church potluck.

We probably should be grateful that we have a stadium at all. Well, queso sera sera — according to the Guardian, not only are Spurs shredding their cheese room plans, they’re even denying that there were any plans to begin with, which you feta believe is marketing trying to cover their rinds.

In the mean time, Spurs fans are left to caerphillly navigate this new dairy free stadium when it (hopefully) opens in March or April. As for this blog, we port-salut what might have been. The cheese may stand alone, but now Spurs fans are also forever provalone. To gruyere is to fondue.