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Chelsea 2-0 Tottenham: player ratings to the theme of Marvel Cinematic Universe movies

Let’s argue about something else that isn’t football.

WonderCon 2018 - Day 1 Photo by Angela Papuga/Getty Images

Well, that was perfectly awful. Tottenham Hotspur got mired in a defensive battle against Chelsea, didn’t manage a shot on target, and lost to the Blues 2-0 thanks to a Toby Alderweireld defensive mistake, and an infuriatingly bad Kieran Trippier own goal.

After the Burnley match last week, I was accused of setting another fire next to the dumpster that was that match in order to distract everyone into arguing about something else. Well, you found me out. And I’m doing it again! Let’s argue about more movies!

Specifically, the Marvel Cinematic Universe. We’ve all seen them, even if we haven’t seen them all. They’re insanely popular. They also vary widely in quality, which makes it a perfect thing to argue about instead of Tottenham.

Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of Marvel Cinematic Universe movies.

5 stars: Black Panther

No question, this is hands down the best MCU movie made to date. Fantastic acting, wonderful effects, incredible direction, and outstanding blending of fantastic elements with social commentary. It deserved its Best Picture nomination.

No Tottenham players reached these lofty heights.

4 stars: Thor: Ragnarok

After two consecutive movies of dour, grumpy Asgardians, Ragnarok was like a breath of fresh air. A dramatic departure from Thor’s previous film outings, and it was hilarious and fun! Thor: Ragnarok was in actuality the outstanding, fun Marvel movie that everyone thought Guardians of the Galaxy was. (And yes, GotG was also great.)

Davinson Sanchez: Chelsea only managed one shot on target all match and Davi’s play was one of the reasons why that was the case. Spurs’ best defender of the night with a couple of important tackles.

Harry Winks: Another solid, if unspectacular, performance from Winksy, who continues to be a safe conduit in midfield.

3.5 stars: Captain America: Winter Soldier

The thing I liked about Winter Soldier is how it takes golden boy Captain America and turns him into a somewhat gritty antihero who’s ready to take on the now corrupt govenment that made him. Throw in the return of an amnesiac Bucky Barnes (spoilers, sorry) who is his match physically, and baby, you’ve got a stew going.

Toby Alderweireld: If not for one defensive mistake that allowed Pedro to round him for Chelsea’s goal he’d be much higher up the list. Otherwise Toby was quite good, but that mistake was costly and uncharacteristic.

Harry Kane: Bless him, he tried. Probably would’ve scored if not for a miracle Pedro tackle in the box and worked his tail off. If Spurs were going to score on Wednesday, it was probably through Kane, but he needs more quality service and he’s not getting it.

Erik Lamela: Did some great work marking and defending Jorginho but wasn’t much of a factor going forward.

3 stars: Iron Man

The first MCU movie, it set the stage for everything that was to come. As far as origin stories go it’s perfectly serviceable and sets up Tony Stark to be one of the central lynchpins of the entire franchise. That’s fair. Pace-wise it’s a little clunky in places and relies on Robert Downey Jr. to much scenery, but there’s a lot worse out there.

Christian Eriksen: Still Tottenham’s best creative outlet even when he’s not at his best like he was at Stamford Bridge. He can’t carry the team on his back all the time, and I think he really really misses Eric Dier and Dele Alli in Spurs’ midfield.

Son Heung-Min: His second straight anonymous outing against very good defensive units. It almost feels like he doesn’t yet know how to play with Kane back in the side. (This is NOT an argument for benching Kane.)

Moussa Sissoko: Did a good amount of work defensively in the midfield and on the right flank but had the botched header that led to Higuain’s shot off the post and was emphatically meh with his passing.

2.5 stars: Ant-Man

Look, I don’t really have a whole lot of negative things to say about Ant-Man. The movie is... okay, I guess. But if there was a Marvel hero that probably didn’t deserve his own movie, it’s Ant-Man. He’s a total C-list hero, but unless he becomes critical to the Avengers: Endgame plot I really just don’t see the point to this.

Ben Davies: Let Pedro in behind him on a number of occasions and didn’t do much going forward. Welcome back, Ben. Danny Rose is still better than you.

Fernando Llorente: Came in as an impact substitute but didn’t make much of an impact. A couple of headers, a dumb (and probably unfair) foul, and not much else.

2 stars: The Incredible Hulk

I’ll say this about TIH — it’s certainly better than Ang Lee’s take on that gamma-ray infused green giant. But that doesn’t mean that it’s good. It’s decidedly mediocre. I guess considering Hulk’s importance to the franchise that a reboot was necessary, but it feels wasted, especially since Edward Norton left the franchise to be replaced by a (much better) Mark Ruffalo.

Hugo Lloris: Not much he could’ve done on the first goal (as who expects Toby to be beaten like that), but had at least one disastrous clearance straight to a Chelsea player and then his role in the own goal. I don’t think it was his fault exactly, but there was probably more he could’ve done.

Kieran Trippier: If I were to be fair, he had decent moments defensively and a couple of very well placed crosses. But I don’t want to be fair. All you had to do was look up, Kieran! Just lift your head, goddammit!

1 star: Iron Man 2

It’s actually amazing that there was a third Iron Man movie made after this piece of trash. Less a movie and more a means to establish a bunch of other characters and scenarios that would later be expanded on (War Machine, S.H.I.E.L.D, Black Widow), IM2 was almost completely without direction and with a milquetoast villain played by Mickey Roarke that just made no sense.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Iron Man 2.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating

Lucas Moura, Danny Rose