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The Hoddle of Coffee: Tottenham Hotspur news and links for Wednesday, March 20

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Terrible, AWFUL movies.

Southampton FC v Tottenham Hotspur - Premier League Photo by Catherine Ivill/Getty Images

Hi, Hoddlers!

That exclamation point does not actually represent my current mood, but if I can pretend that I’m excited, maybe I can believe it.

Ramble of the Day

I’m going to ramble about something that comes easy to me because I’d like to go to bed on time. In this case, that means I’ve got a question for you: What is the worst movie you’ve ever seen?

I’ll start, naturally. I watched Ridley Scott’s The Counselor upon a recommendation from my older sister. She told me it was really bad, by the way, so bad that I had to watch, so I did. My younger sister and I sat in front of a laptop, plugged in some headphones, and watched. It was the worst movie I’ve ever seen, from the acting to the plot structure and everything in between.

Michael Fassbender has the lead in this as the no-name counselor who says “Jesus” under his breath so much that he’s easy to make jokes about. The character is written as someone who is so in over as a cartel lawyer, but that’s fine. There are way too many parts of the story, to start. Cameron Diaz’s character’s entire existence leaves the audience feeling she’s irrelevant until a twist at the end that wasn’t exactly predictable, but definitely did not balance out all of the nonsense before. Casting Penélope Cruz is definitely a waste of a talented actress, but this might be true of all of them. I actually wonder why any of the famous people signed up for it — maybe a chance to work with Scott wasn’t worth passing up — but none of them put in their best work.

There are some weirdly grotesque scenes, like the one where someone gets decapitated by driving his motorcycle and noticing a very thin wire that was conveniently placed at the height of his neck. All of the details seem gimmicky, and it goes too far from trying to be different, instead being an example of silly filmmaking. It’s the scenes between the scenes with the real plot lines that kill The Counselor, and that’s down to a genuinely terrible script. You don’t end up enjoying how bad this film actually is; you grow tired of it, and breathe a sigh of relief when you get to the end.

I’ll recommend this review, which is better written than my ramble, from Peter Debruge for Variety, because it hits the specifics very well. (It was fresher in his brain than it is in my tired brain.)

tl;dr: The Counselor is so, so bad.

Links of the Day

A deal to buy Bolton Wanderers has been called off the day before club officials are set to deal with another winding-up petition.

Patrice Evra faces legal action after using homophobic slurs to criticize Paris Saint-Germain’s elimination by Manchester United in the Champions League.

Nine different countries have expressed interest in hosting the 2023 Women’s World Cup, a record since the tournament began in 1991.

Cardiff City’s Aron Gunnarsson will leave the club at the end of the season.

David Squires celebrates the 50th anniversary of Swindon Town’s greatest achievement in his latest cartoon.

Today’s longer read: Sean Ingle on Ole Gunnar Solskjær and the German academics who might be able to prove how much certain managers can impact a team’s points total for The Guardian