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Bournemouth 1-0 Tottenham: Player ratings to the theme of... nothing


Here then,
Form is no other than emptiness,
Emptiness no other than form.
Form is only emptiness,
Emptiness only form.
Feeling, thought, and choice,
Consciousness itself,
Are the same as this.

All things are by nature void
They are not born or destroyed
Nor are they stained or pure
Nor do they wax or wane
So, in emptiness, no form,
No feeling, thought, or choice,
Nor is there consciousness.

No eye, ear, nose, tongue, body, mind;
No colour, sound, smell, taste, touch,
Or what the mind takes hold of,
Nor even act of sensing.
No ignorance or end of it,
Nor all that comes of ignorance;
No withering, no death,
No end of them.

Nor is there pain, or cause of pain,
Or cease in pain, or noble path
To lead from pain;
Not even wisdom to attain!
Attainment too is emptiness.

– From The Heart Sutra, as recited in the Triratna Buddhist Community

5 stars: Emptiness


No Tottenham Hotspur players reached the... oh, never mind.

4 stars: The Nothing (from “NeverEnding Story:)

Rockbiter: They look like big, good, strong hands, don’t they? I always thought that’s what they were. (sighs) My little friends... the little man with his racing-snail. The nighthob... even the stupid bat! I couldn’t hold onto them... the Nothing pulled them right out of my hands. I failed... Listen. The Nothing will be here any minute. I will just sit here and let it take me away too. (Raises his hands again) They look like good. Strong. Hands... don’t they.

Lucas Moura: Watching his shot from the center line drift achingly wide of the left post was, as Michael Caley said, “a real Sliding Doors moment.”

Hugo Lloris: If not for Hugo we would not have had that glimmer of hope in our chest until the 94th minute.

Davinson Sanchez: Defended heroically, right until the end.

3.5 stars: The Void

NGC 1999, photo Wikimedia Commons

Kieran Trippier: Ironically one of his best defensive matches for Spurs in weeks.

Danny Rose: Tried to up his shithouse game in response to Jefferson Lerma, but was humbled by Lerma’s epic performance. Great goal-line clearance late.

3 stars: [null set]

{ }

Dele Alli: Bless him, he tried. Had a lovely header, but straight at Random Teenage Debutant Keeper™. Worked hard, but looked as dead as the rest of the squad after 30 minutes.

Christian Eriksen: Kinda hard to influence the game when you spend most of it playing in defensive midfield.

Victor Wanyama: I feel like I should reward him for having to put in a very capable half-hour shift at CB out of sheer necessity.

2.5 stars: Event horizon

Weir: “Where we’re going, we won’t need eyes to see.”

Son Heung-Min: Hate to put him here after he got shithoused into a red card by Lerma, but you just can’t react that way, and he knows it. He’ll probably get yelled at by his dad for this, which makes me feel even worse.

Moussa Sissoko: Worked hard, but all that effort was of no use in a match like this one.

2 stars: Bottomless abyss

It just keeps going down.

Toby Alderweireld: Terrible. At fault for Bournemouth’s best chance of the match and got destroyed defensively en route to a yellow. Hooked at halftime because Poch didn’t trust him not to get sent off.

Eric Dier: Yeah, folks, I got nothing on this one. Awful.

1 star: The souls of Tottenham Hotspur fans

No Tottenham Hotspur players above this were as bad as the nothingness within the souls of Tottenham fans.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating

Ben Davies, Juan Foyth (YOU CAN’T RUIN THE BIT)