Tottenham 0-1 Newcastle: player ratings to the theme of binary star systems

My job is to write about Tottenham Hotspur. That means that I’m supposed to give detailed analysis about the pros and cons of match performances, even when they’re bad.

But you know what? I don’t want to. Not this time.

Because Spurs’ 1-0 loss to Newcastle at home was, without hyperbole, one of the worst performances I’ve seen in the Mauricio Pochettino era. I could spend time detailing exactly why everyone was bad and just how bad they were, but would you really want to read that? Honestly and truly? Writing it would just make me upset, and I don’t like being upset.

So yes, I’m phoning this one in. I hope you can forgive me. Let’s collectively put this in the rear view mirror and move on. Community ratings will be listed at the bottom.

2 stars: All the binary stars

Everyone: This match sucked. Everyone was bad. Even Chirpy was bad, which is actually kind of new and different from him just being evil. Let’s forget this ever happened. On to Arsenal.

1 star: IDK, all the stars that aren’t binary

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as non-binary stars because that’s the bit.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating

Ben Davies

Community Player Ratings

Hugo Lloris (6.1), Kyle Walker-Peters (5.0), Davinson Sanchez (3.4), Toby Alderweireld (5.6), Danny Rose (4.9), Harry Winks (4.2), Erik Lamela (4.2), Moussa Sissoko (4.7), Son Heung-Min (5.0), Lucas Moura (4.7), Harry Kane (3.9), Giovani Lo Celso (4.5), Christian Eriksen (5.0), Mauricio Pochettino (2.9)