That sucked. If I could do this entire article with nothing but emoji I probably would, but I can’t. Tottenham Hotspur phoned it in on Sunday, losing 2-0 to Leicester at home in a match that not only wasn’t fun to watch, it was actively agonizing. Leicester scored on a Jamie Vardy penalty kick after Serge Aurier barged over Wesley Fofana at the end of the first half, had another deflect unluckily off of Toby Alderweireld for an own goal, and had another goal called back for a marginal offside call.
Oh, and Gio Lo Celso was injured after Jose Mourinho subbed off Tanguy Ndombele for Gareth Bale at halftime. It was a mauling. I don’t want to write this article.
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of emoji. Yes, they’re probably the ones you were expecting.
Hugo Lloris (Community — 3.0): I’m not sure you could ask for more from him. It’s certainly not his fault Spurs lost.
Toby Alderweireld (Community — 2.5): Look, I’ve already successfully blocked most of this match out my mind but I don’t recall him making any significant errors and the own goal wasn’t really his fault.
Pierre Hojbjerg (Community — 2.5): Bless him, he tried. One of the few Spurs players to complete most of his passes.
Gio Lo Celso (Community — 2.5): Got kicked a lot, but also struggled to impose himself on the match while playing on the right. Picked up an injury just after halftime.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.5): A couple of shots on target including one that forced a good save from Schmeichel, and created three chances, but his finishing has cooled slightly and he was a marginal figure for much of the match.
Harry Kane (Community — 2.5): Forced one good save out of Schmeichel but wasn’t himself on Sunday.
Sergio Reguilon (Community — 2.5): Defended well, which is good, but didn’t impact much going forward, which is not good.
Tanguy Ndombele (Community —): Played at the 10, much of what he tried didn’t come off and he tired quickly. Still should’ve stayed on ahead of Sissoko, but that’s a managerial decision.
Harry Winks (Community — 2.0): Man, IDK, he was OK I guess? Just not what we needed.
Moussa Sissoko (Community — 2.0): If you accept the theory that he’s in the lineup to defend, then he failed in that regard on Sunday. If you don’t accept that theory, then there’s no reason to have him there at all.
Eric Dier (Community — 2.5): Had some really shocking moments in defense and his passing wasn’t great either.
Gareth Bale (Community — 2.0): The most significant thing that happened to Gareth in this match was having his man-bun dislodged by an errant ball.
Lucas Moura (Community — 2.0): Came in as an offensive substitute. Was instead merely offensive to my football sensibilities.
Jose Mourinho (Community — 1.5): I don’t blame him for the Lo Celso injury. That was unfortunate. I blame him for not recognizing that Sissoko was giving us nothing going forward, subbing off Ndombele at halftime, and then getting stuck with no passing or creativity in midfield for an entire half. The team played poorly. Mourinho didn’t help them.
Serge Aurier (Community — 1.0): Serge has been good this season. He was not good in this match. That barge into the back of Fofana was one of the most ill-conceived decisions I’ve seen him make in his Spurs career, and he’s made more than one them in that category. Nearly played Maddison onside in the Leicester goal that got called back, too.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as clowns. Clowns are evil.