Rubbish

Let’s simulate the rest of the Premier League season.

Look, it very possibly could get cancelled. Maybe we can at least get some closure?

By Dustin George-Miller@dustingm Mar 15, 2020, 8:00am GMT

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There’s no football right now. Seemingly every professional league except Liga MX, the Indian Super League, and a few in South America have suspended operations thanks to the coronavirus. They haven’t cancelled the season because there’s still some chance that the virus could burn itself out, or at least lessen in severity, by sometime next month.

But maybe it won’t, and Premier League fans need some closure. That’s where we come in! I decided to simulate the rest of the Premier League season as though COVID-19 didn’t exist. To do that, I used an online Premier League table simulator, and another site that randomly generates football scores and stats via a number generator.

Why a number generator? Well, figuring out and simulating the odds based on fivethirtyeight.com’s weights seemed too difficult, I suck at FIFA, and I didn’t want to take the time to organize everything in Football Manager. Plus this has been a pretty damn random season, so why not just roll the dice? It’ll be fun.

So here it is, our 100% accurate Premier League predictions for 2019-20. You can bank on these totally randomly generated results that were made by a computer. I mean, it’s just science.

Week 28/30

There were a couple of postponed matches from two weeks ago that needed a quick sim, and those seemed easy enough to do — Aston Villa 1-4 Sheffield, and Manchester City 4-1 Arsenal (lol). Onward!

The big standout here is the Merseyside Derby, a YUGE win at home for Everton that is not only the first Toffees win over their rivals but also keeps the Reds from winning the Premier League at the home of their arch-rivals. A draw for Spurs against United? Well, we’d all take that, wouldn’t we? Norwich also got a nice win, as did Aston Villa over Chelsea, and Villa are almost out of the relegation zone.

Week 31

Finally! A win for Tottenham to snap a seven game winless streak! Dele scores a garbage rebound goal that breaks his duck from open play, and Gio Lo Celso plonks home a nifty effort from the top of the box. Villa escape the drop, to Brighton and West Ham’s detriment. And what’s this — another loss for Liverpool, their fifth loss in six games! Surely they couldn’t possibly...

Week 32

LOL, of course they won’t. Liverpool clinch the title with six weeks to play thanks to a 1-1 draw against Manchester City, putting them 19 points clear. Meanwhile, Spurs eke out a tough win over Sheffield, inspired by Harry Kane who returns to full training this week, and Villa wins AGAIN, this time over Wolves. Wild!

Week 33

Villa AGAIN! Their fourth in a row, this time over a Liverpool side at Anfield which rolled out the kids because, honestly, why the hell not? Spurs fall at home to Everton (Siggurdson, how could you), and West Ham continue their hilarious slide. Guess you should’ve voided the season after all, hey Karren Brady?

Week 34

The race for 4th/5th continues to heat up as Spurs, Arsenal and United all win this week, and Tottenham seem to have finally regained a bit of their old swagger, despite still dealing with exhaustion and some key injuries. Kane returns to the Spurs bench, but doesn’t come on out of safety precautions. Meanwhile, look at that relegation race, and what’s going on with Wolves?

Week 35

Liverpool clearly don’t give a crap and continue to limp along with their U23s, but honestly, who cares? The real story is the North London Derby at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, an instant classic that features Harry Kane’s glorious return as an impact substitute in the 80th minute (still too early, but who cares, we need him). Down 1-2, Dele earns a penalty in the 88th minute, which Kane cooly slots home for honors even. Meanwhile, West Ham are bottom after Norwich beats them at home (Pukki brace) and I am loving randomly generated numbers. Off-pitch, Son Heung-Min is back in training, wearing a soft cast.

Week 36

Well, now things are getting interesting. Arsenal falls to the Liverpool Kids at home, but Sonny is back (and scores!) for his first match in months along with Kane, who gets a brace in a wild 4-2 win at St. James’ Park, taking Spurs up to sixth, three points behind United with two matches to go. Also Norwich beats Chelsea at Stamford Bridge and holy crap, might they just make the great escape?

Week 37

BREAKING NEWS as UEFA upholds Manchester City’s Champions League ban, and 5th place is now officially in play! Tottenham turn out to be pretty good when they’re actually healthy as a confident Spurs side on a solid run takes apart a Leciester team that already clinched Champions League last week. A header from Toby Alderweireld, a strike from Sonny, and a long-range screamer from Tanguy Ndombele, who turns around and just smiles at Jose Mourinho. Spurs are still sixth and need a win plus United or Sheffield to drop points to finish in a Champions League place. Meanwhile: NORWICH NORWICH NORWICH NORWICH NORWICH as West Ham are officially relegated.

It all comes down to next week. Will it all end in tears?

Week 38

COYS COYS COYS COYS COYS COYS COYS COYS!! I literally shrieked when I generated the final table. A 1-0 Spurs win over Palace (Bergwijn) combined a United draw and an improbable Sheffield loss sends Spurs up to fourth, ensuring Champions League football once again!

Also serious LOLs for Chelsea, who went winless in their last six matches and finished the season in 8th place. Wolves had an even bigger collapse, dropping down to literally mid-table, with Nuno getting the sack just after full time.

But it’s heartbreak for Norwich. One week after escaping the drop they had the misfortune to play Manchester City and got hammered 3-0 at the Etihad. Watford pulled out a huge 4-1 win over Arsenal at the Library (lololol) which is enough to send the Canaries down. Crushing.

There you have it. The Premier League season, scientifically simulated. This is all 100% legit what would happen if society hadn’t slid into coronavirus induced chaos. Liverpool, Leicester, Tottenham & Sheffield makes for a pretty awesome Champions League cadre from England, but you gotta feel good about how everything ended up, right?

Write it down: Tottenham is making the Champions League. You can trust me, I’m a blogger.